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Illustration of a Little Girl Scolding a Cat
It never ceases to amaze and dishearten me, the messages given to and from women today. In popular media the messages are:
You should be thinner!
Your should be prettier!
You should have bigger boobs, fewer wrinkles, better clothing, and more money!
In short, you are not good enough!
In Christian circles certainly we would expect values to be placed elsewhere, and they are. But, with the same message of our basic lack:
You should be happier!
Your should be more modest!
You should not want to do anything outside of your home!
You should not care if your husband is thoughtless, rude, or selfish. Nothing about you counts!
I have noticed this kind of thing many times over. It is amazing to me how women will line up in droves to buy books that tell them how lowsy they are. My belief is that women that are in unhappy situations that they feel powerless to change will turn to anything that tells them that they are their own worst problem, so that they can think for awhile that they alone can fix their unhappy marriages and unhappy lives. There is great optimism in thinking that if we change ourselves everything else will get better.
Recently at a blog I sometimes visit a young married woman wrote in with her dilemma. She is newly married and is enjoying being a homemaker. She was brought up in a family where her mother did a wonderful job keeping the home cozy and welcoming, and she was hoping to do the same for her husband and family. The problem she was experiencing was that her husband does not seem to appreciate the work she was doing, and when he came home she felt that he basically undid all that she had worked on for the day within 20 minutes of his arrival.
Not surprisingly, all of the responses that she got (except for mine!) gave her a written slap on the hand and told her that she is basically just home to serve her husband, that is doesn't matter if he wrecks everything she has accomplished all day long. Basically, the messages was: It's not about YOU, babe. YOU and your work don't count for anything. But you are still supposed to be happy and content and feeling all snuggly in your role as wife and homemaker.
Nice! (pass the prozac, please)
I was the only person to actually offer her some strategies on how she might arrange her home to kind of build-in neatness and cleanliness. Ways to kind of work around her husband's tendencies so that her work sticks for longer. She has commented here and on her blog and on that original post that she really appreciated what I shared with her.
Why is it that women are so prone to tell each other how wrong they are, rather than to say, "Hey, babe, that stinks. Let's figure out some ways to outsmart that messy man. " ;)
In no way would I want to encourage this woman to allow a grudge to build up against her husband. In now way do I want her to get fixated on "her rights" or whatever. What I want to do is encourage her in ways to creatively solve this problem, plus let her know that young men aren't exactly known for appreciating and upholding household loveliness. (they do age and improve, usually)
Interestingly, there seems to be plenty of positive encouragement written for Christian women that work outside of the home, choose to get divorced, or have their children in school or day care. But for women who stay at home, who homeschool, who have a lot of children, instead of there being that encouragement written in the spirit of "gently leading those with young" as God describes Himself as doing in the book of Isaiah, there seems to be the choice between mean, meaner, and meanest resources to keep kicking the butts of these women to keep them "where they belong."
WHY?
If this is truly "where we belong" why do people feel the need to scold and vilify women?
I have often felt that Nancy Campbell of Above Rubies was the lone encourager of these women, but in recent years I've even felt her piling on too many shoulds and shame-on-yous than I could take. (Her article on what a shame it was that women don't wear aprons any more just about did me in. I had no idea wearing an apron could make or break me as a woman and homemaker! Give me a break....)
Women choosing to be at home, to practice the art of homemaking, to lovingly care for their children and to educate them at home, are women swimming upstream. They are living a huge goal, in a society that is in no way making it easy for them. To have your own team fighting against you is senseless.
Do we really need to hear how horrible we are because we want some love and respect? I honestly suspect that people giving out these hand-slapping messages cannot be very happy themselves. Happy people do not automatically see the bad in you.
Homemaking, childrearing, loving your husband are all good enough to warrant our best loving encouragement and creative ideas so that we can all succeed. Hand-slapping should not be the first resort.
Monday, June 12, 2006
The Hand-Slapping Culture of Conservative Christian Womanhood
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5 comments:
Good post! Very good post.
Aprons?? I'll put that on my list right next to ironing sheets...
Yes, Amie--get your apron on! Without it you are lost in your role as a homemaker. We won't let that photo of you at the sewing machine lead us to believe otherwise. ;)
Abundance,
My heartiest recommendations are to read fewer marriage books and blogs. :) What you've seen is what you will continue to see. find a few that really encourage you, and stick with those. Between the Bible, your obvious love for your husband, and good old fashioned common sense and love and respect, you will be much better off.
If you find yourself really in need of marriage help, look outside of the ultra-conservative Christian realm. Within it is too extreme and dangerous and weird.
You probably already figured all that out, though. sorry for giving unsolicited advice!
I read the blog that you are talking about; I read that letter as well. I didn't read the replies because I KNEW what was going to be said. :-/
Excellent post.
Oh my-did this remind me of my days of seminars, books, tapes etc on how to be a proper Christian wife. I will never forget one where the speaker was talking about a woman who washed her dishes at a sink looking out into the backyard where a boat with another woman's name painted on back. This speaker said he had encouraged this woman to just keep on loving him and doing the "right" things and that he would eventually see the light and all would be well. After you hear enough of this you can become convinced that indeed you (the woman) are the culprit in any and all problems in your marriage. Submission was the big key. I think God gave us brains to use and it's a pity that many of these authors and "experts" make women feel like idiots that they can't fix their marriage. I like what Chuck Swindoll said-any woman in her right mind would submit to a man who loved her as Christ loved the church. Unfortunately, I fear there isn't alot of that going on. There's certainly nothing wrong with wearing an apron if it suits you or wrapping yourself in saran wrap when your husband comes home as Maribel Morgan advocated YEARS ago. Just remember ladies, the WHOLE message to the family is that the husband is the head of the home but without the other parts he is nothing.
"It never ceases to amaze and dishearten me, the messages given to and from women today. In popular media the messages are:
You should be thinner!
Your should be prettier!
You should have bigger boobs, fewer wrinkles, better clothing, and more money!
In short, you are not good enough!
In Christian circles certainly we would expect values to be placed elsewhere, and they are. But, with the same message of our basic lack:
You should be happier!
Your should be more modest!
You should not want to do anything outside of your home!
You should not care if your husband is thoughtless, rude, or selfish. Nothing about you counts!
I have noticed this kind of thing many times over. It is amazing to me how women will line up in droves to buy books that tell them how lowsy they are. My belief is that women that are in unhappy situations that they feel powerless to change will turn to anything that tells them that they are their own worst problem, so that they can think for awhile that they alone can fix their unhappy marriages and unhappy lives. There is great optimism in thinking that if we change ourselves everything else will get better.
Recently at a blog I sometimes visit a young married woman wrote in with her dilemma. She is newly married and is enjoying being a homemaker. She was brought up in a family where her mother did a wonderful job keeping the home cozy and welcoming, and she was hoping to do the same for her husband and family. The problem she was experiencing was that her husband does not seem to appreciate the work she was doing, and when he came home she felt that he basically undid all that she had worked on for the day within 20 minutes of his arrival.
Not surprisingly, all of the responses that she got (except for mine!) gave her a written slap on the hand and told her that she is basically just home to serve her husband, that is doesn't matter if he wrecks everything she has accomplished all day long. Basically, the messages was: It's not about YOU, babe. YOU and your work don't count for anything. But you are still supposed to be happy and content and feeling all snuggly in your role as wife and homemaker.
Nice! (pass the prozac, please)
I was the only person to actually offer her some strategies on how she might arrange her home to kind of build-in neatness and cleanliness. Ways to kind of work around her husband's tendencies so that her work sticks for longer. She has commented here and on her blog and on that original post that she really appreciated what I shared with her.
Why is it that women are so prone to tell each other how wrong they are, rather than to say, "Hey, babe, that stinks. Let's figure out some ways to outsmart that messy man. " ;)
In no way would I want to encourage this woman to allow a grudge to build up against her husband. In now way do I want her to get fixated on "her rights" or whatever. What I want to do is encourage her in ways to creatively solve this problem, plus let her know that young men aren't exactly known for appreciating and upholding household loveliness. (they do age and improve, usually)
Interestingly, there seems to be plenty of positive encouragement written for Christian women that work outside of the home, choose to get divorced, or have their children in school or day care. But for women who stay at home, who homeschool, who have a lot of children, instead of there being that encouragement written in the spirit of "gently leading those with young" as God describes Himself as doing in the book of Isaiah, there seems to be the choice between mean, meaner, and meanest resources to keep kicking the butts of these women to keep them "where they belong."
WHY?
If this is truly "where we belong" why do people feel the need to scold and vilify women?
I have often felt that Nancy Campbell of Above Rubies was the lone encourager of these women, but in recent years I've even felt her piling on too many shoulds and shame-on-yous than I could take. (Her article on what a shame it was that women don't wear aprons any more just about did me in. I had no idea wearing an apron could make or break me as a woman and homemaker! Give me a break....)
Women choosing to be at home, to practice the art of homemaking, to lovingly care for their children and to educate them at home, are women swimming upstream. They are living a huge goal, in a society that is in no way making it easy for them. To have your own team fighting against you is senseless.
Do we really need to hear how horrible we are because we want some love and respect? I honestly suspect that people giving out these hand-slapping messages cannot be very happy themselves. Happy people do not automatically see the bad in you.
Homemaking, childrearing, loving your husband are all good enough to warrant our best loving encouragement and creative ideas so that we can all succeed. Hand-slapping should not be the first resort."
This was taken from the blog of a Titus woman!
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