Little Bit Down

It has been about three weeks since the kiddos left.  I have done my best to put myself in a position where I could let go and move forward.

Unfortunately, today I got thrown off-balance a bit when my mom told me that she had been chatting with her sister (their grandmother, where they went to live) and was told a few things that were upsetting/disappointing to hear.  It gave me the strong impression that my concerns and reservations about this sudden re-interest in them having the kids back might not be for the best.  Already there is conflict between the grandparents about things like putting in the effort to take the children to activities, and there is also some flim-flam going on where the children may be allowed to go with their mother for an extended period of time, which I was told would "never happen."  If they have only been back less than a month and there is already insufficient motivation to drive kids to VBS or to keep them safely away from negligent compulsive liar criminals and drug addicts, then I just do not know how this can go well in the long run.

Very hard to hear.

I asked my mom to please just not even tell me stuff like that any more.  It's too upsetting.

Loss

It has been about two weeks since the kiddos left, and in that two weeks I have been kind of detoxing/shaking-it-out/recovering from all of my emotions and exhaustion that accompanied the experience.  For the most part, it has been mostly self- (and family-) preservation, but not that much sad stuff.

And then today it happened--I was going through some of my pictures on my computer, and there were their super cute faces, and I remembered sweet and good things and moments of grace that encouraged me, and I felt pangs of sadness and loss.

My little cuties!  
They were here, and now they are gone.  

I love them. 
I cared for them. 
I tried so hard.  
And they were taken away, lifted from my arms.  


I knew that sooner or later the sadness would come.  And here it is.

Side Trip

The children are leaving.

What can I say?

We got into this believing that nobody else was willing or able to do the job.

We felt that they were put into our path because we were meant to help them.

We did not know how it would all work, but doors opened, things happened, and then they were here with us.

And immediately there were unexpected boulders in our path.

First the sheer difficulty of behavior issues and exhaustion issues and mothering with hyper-vigilance that threatened my sanity.

Next the lawyer reversed every piece of advice she had given us to begin with.  If we had gotten her second round of advice, they never would have come to our house in the first place.  We grappled with the implications of what she was saying, consulted others, and decided to stay the course and follow through with what we told the children they could look forward to in the short term:  Staying with us, being homeschooled, and getting to be in basketball and cheerleading for the first time ever.

Then we found out my husband was sick.  And the lawyer quit on the same day.  That was a special day.

From there we plunged into a month of medical appointments, waiting for diagnoses, worries about lung cancer and lymphoma and open heart surgery.  And my husband took to his bed in exhaustion, fear, stress, and feeling ill.  I soldiered on with the homeschooling, the work, the teaching, and all of the children and their practices and games and meals and bedtimes.

Next, some answers:  A manageable lung condition.  Two in-patient surgical procedures needed.  Open heart surgery needed.

Homeschooling was largely put on hold for a few weeks while we prepared, had procedures and surgery, experienced an 8-day hospital stay, and then the long recovery.

Work was ramped up in a new way, intensifying life yet again.  I have had so many opportunities to ask myself, "How much more am I supposed to take?!"  The answer kept coming:  More.

And now things were starting to level out.  We are past the acute phase for recovery.  CC is done for the year.  Everybody is meshing pretty well.  My husband is about to go back to work.

And there it is:  Now the grandparents want the kids back.

Apparently in their time apart they have been able to reevaluate their level of desire and commitment to raise these children.  Suddenly, with no warning, there it is.

What can I say?  We aren't going to fight them over this.  We took the kids in believing that the grandparents were convinced that they could not do this job.  Now they say they can.

So.

Wow.

I feel like I have spent the past 5 months climbing Mt. Everest with a tribe of people on my back, and now that I have done the work and borne the burden, others are ready to swoop in and reap the benefits of my sacrifice.

Their grandfather has commented on how much improved their behavior is.  YES!  I want to scream now.  YES!  THEIR BEHAVIOR IS BETTER BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN BUSTING MY BUTT FOR MONTHS UNDOING THE CRAP BEHAVIOR THAT YOU AND YOUR WIFE GOT THEM STARTED WITH!

(I can't help but wonder how short a time it will take for them to revert back to business as usual.  Grrr...)

Well, there is a lot of emotion. Of course.  I could go on and on with ranting and raving and commentary and saying stuff that lets you know that I am sad, mad, offended, relieved, confused, hurt, and just plain exhausted of being used up on this mission. Some moments have me wanting to yell WHAT WAS IT ALL FOR?! 

Truth be told, everyone is going back to their regularly scheduled life.  We have lived this out, in all of its good, bad, sad, confusing, lovely, sweet, inspiring, exhausting, encouraging, discouraging, scary, tough reality.  

We did what we did.  We may never know what all the purposes were for us to have gone through this, but at the very least this is one more side trip in life that has taught us a lot of lessons, and that ain't no small thing.

5 Minute Memoir: I Don't Know

It seems that the most commonly uttered declaration I have used so far this year is

I Don't Know.

I didn't know what we were getting into with open heart surgery, a long hospital stay, and a very long recovery time.

I didn't have any frame of reference for what it would be like or how to plan or prepare for it.

I do not know when my husband will be all better.  I do not know when life will seem entirely normal again.  (whatever that would be)

The same is true with our situation with our new kids.

I do not know if we will get to adopt them.

I do not know if the damage done by the loss of their chance at ever living with their mom is greater or less than the damage done if they end up going back.

I do not know if broken hearts are greater or less terrible than broken homes or mental health issues or poverty or patterns of domestic violence.

I do not know if restoration to a very-much-less-than-ideal living situation is preferable to a much-more-ideal living situation, when it's the difference between getting what you think you want, and getting what others think you need.

There are so many things I do not know.  As I told some friends at church last week, this is free-falling with God.

My prayers contain very little by way of agenda.  Helpful friends will say, "I will be praying that you get to adopt them" and I always say, "Just pray that God will make a way for whatever He wants to have happen."  I do not know what that is.

5 Minute Memoir: Full Heart

I got to snuggle with my new little guy for awhile tonite.  He was supposed to be getting into bed, but his roommate wasn't ready yet, and he came out into the living room with his blanket to tell me that he feels really lonely without someone in there with him.  He is often hesitant to let me hold him, so when I sensed an opportunity, I took it.  :)  I invited him up into my chair and onto my lap.  He jumped in right away and cuddled up with me so nicely.  We took a series of pictures together with my phone, too.  It was simple and really good.  Made me feel like a real mom to him, which is a good, good feeling.

Speaking of moms, their mom is supposedly coming to visit us soon.  She has not seen the children in 8-9 months.  Not only does she want to visit them, but she wants to finally meet us, see where we live, and talk about adoption plans. (Assuming she decides that things look good enough here for her to go through with it.)  It will be interesting to see how it goes and what happens.  I feel worried about the kids and how it will be for them.  They seem to be settling in so well here.  They call us mom and dad.  I feel like when their mom shows up they are going to not know what to call us in front of her.  They have been told for years that they would get to go back with their mom, which isn't likely to be possible anytime in the foreseeable future.  I hate to drag up a bunch of stuff for them.  Hopefully it won't be too rough.

This is an unusual and tricky situation as far as adoptions go.  After all the years of looking into adoption, this is one scenario I never expected to find myself in.  However, this family is in God's hands, so I will trust that it will all work out ok, one way or another.  For right now, I have peace in the midst of many unanswered questions and many unknowns.  Thank you, Lord, for that.  And for snuggling little boys that call me mom.

5 Minute Memoir: Good things

I have a job that allows me to still be with my kids, homeschool, plus help my children learn to serve and better understand a person with special needs.  This is cool and awesome and something to be really, really thankful for.  I don't know any other moms with lots of kids that can also do what I do.

Though we have ups and downs, I am having more days and moments of feeling more connected to and in love with my new kiddos.  This process of bonding to each other is not straightforward for any of us, but it is very encouraging to feel and see it happening.

CC has been great this year.  I have loved being a tutor.  I have loved the kids in my class.  I have gotten some really nice feedback from the kids and parents and I know that they appreciate what I do for them.  I know I'm doing a good job and that feels good.  Tomorrow I get to proof another Memory Master plus hopefully at least one more student for the Bible memory award.  Good stuff.

I bought a new globe for our home.  We had one years ago and it got trashed.  Globes are kinda pricey, yo, but I coughed up the funds and got one because I thought it was worthwhile and important. Already the kids are enjoying finding places that they have learned about this year.  We do a lot of map work in CC, but all of it is flat.  I'm happy to have a globular version of the earth to share with them as well.  :)

Radio silence ends.

In November we added two children to our family.

In January my husband had open heart surgery.

I am going to try writing for 5 minutes at a time, to get some stuff written down and see what happens.

I may only get around to doing it this once.

I have now wasted one minute of my 5.  So here are some random things I have to say:

Adding children to the family has been harder than expected.  I also did not expect to have this experience reveal so many areas of my character that need improvement.

Has it been a good thing?  Yes and no.  I don't know.  I think it's too early to tell.  It is hard.  Sometimes I think it is too hard.  Sometimes I think it is mostly hard in my mind, where I feel the burden of wondering where this will lead/what will happen/have we made the right choices/will everything be ok?

In reality, days go by and everything is ok.  

Compounding the experience of adjusting to new children with special needs while also having a husband with major surgery and a l-o-n-g recovery time certainly has multiplied the stress level way, way high.  I keep trying to encourage myself that we have been through an awful lot of wacky, stressful, intense stuff in the past 4+ months, so nothing is expected to have been easy.  It'll get better.  Or at least I hope so.

Time's up.

I come from strong women

Once upon a time in the late 1940s there were two families.

One family, a husband and wife, were childless. Unable to have babies of their own.

The other family had a husband with tuberculosis who was living at a sanitarium for his health, two toddlers having to live with relatives in order to keep them cared for, and a hard-working wife working as a nurse and trying to keep her family together as best she could under the dire financial circumstances she was in.

Oh. And she was pregnant.

An extremely tough situation. Ill husband. Living with a mean-spirited mother. Unable to even care for the two small children she already had. Tough pregnancy. Still having to work. Back up against a wall.

They made the decision to allow their baby to be adopted by the childless couple, who they knew and worked with.

This was during a time when open adoptions were not done. Often children grew up not even knowing they were adopted. Yet these two couples were brave. They had to trust each other.

The baby was my mother.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My mom grew up knowing she was adopted. When she was married she found out more about the unique circumstances surrounding her adoption. She was offered the opportunity to meet her birth mother, but due to the various family dynamics and so on, she didn't do it.

Over the years my mom kept thinking about the few details she knew. A last name. Names of her two siblings. General areas where they might live. Remember when the library had a bunch of phone books from all over the country? Yeah. Sometimes she would look up the names she knew to see if she could find her sister or brother.

This spring she got onto ancestry.com and did a little casual digging, which turned up a jackpot of information. Her birth mother Emily passed away several years ago. The obituary listed not only my mom's two full siblings, but six *more* half siblings, plus step-siblings!

Through the winding road of the wonderful world of google and facebook, my mom did her research, and has been in contact with several of her siblings for awhile now. Her mother spoke of my mom often as a part of their family life, so all of the siblings knew about her. My grandparents had sent photos of my mom as she was growing up, so they were familiar with those and compared themselves to her and wondered what she was like.

It has been really interesting to learn more about my mom's birth mother and their life. I am so proud of the two strong women that my grandmothers were. To dare to make an open adoption work in a time when it just was not done....wow! For my mom's birth mother to make such a tough choice in the face of extreme hardships....wow! For her to hand pick a couple that she knew to be good people that she could trust to take good care of her baby....wow! I admire these couples so much.

I've written about my Gram several times. She was such a wonderful grandmother. I still miss her so much. How thankful I am that my mom made her way to the arms that she did. And I'm thankful to her birth mom Emily for choosing well.

We are quite pleased to have a DVD of a serious of interviews with Emily from a few years before she died. She was a spirited lady who loved adventure. I am enjoying getting to know her a bit. What a great thing that one of my mom's sisters could send us a copy of the recording. Each sibling that she has been in touch with has been so welcoming and happy to get to know her. It has been a very positive experience so far.

It is really amazing to think of all the twists and turns that happen in life to get us to where we end up. Isn't it?

Owlhaven Adoption

If you haven't had a chance to get over to Mary's adoption blog, go now! Mary and her husband are currently in Ethiopia to pick up their two new daughters. As always, Mary is such a talented writer, and has some amazing and emotional descriptions of her experiences there.

Hi again,

Just a little update today. Thanks to those of you that have been praying along with us.

The other day I received lists of documents needed and questions to answer for a home study. Never before have I felt so inadequate as a parent! (except for possibly when I was under a pile of babies a few years ago....) These are good questions to be getting asked, but it is quite humbling.

Honestly, after looking at the list of stuff, I'm amazed that anyone ever adopts at all.

We have received some important additional information about one of the possibilities we were looking into that was quite negative. I'm not sure if that's a totally closed door, but it's at least a flashing red light! The thing about what I heard that distressed me more than even the immediate bad thing about it, was that I assume that the people who ended up in a bad situation were probably some nice Christian families just like us that had their hearts in the right place, prayed, had all sorts of stuff fall into place in order for it to even be possible to adopt....and then it all blows up in their face. Where is God in all of that? I don't know. But it scares the SNOT out of me to think that you could somehow jump all the MANY hurdles in an adoption, and end up in a bad, bad, bad situation. Kind of blows that whole if-the-doors-open-it-must-be-God's-will theory right out of the water....

So, you know...plenty to percolate upon.

I did come across an interesting verse that instructs people to help widows and orphans within their gates. So I'm wondering if that specification is important at all....and who counts as being "within my gates." I don't have any widows or orphans at my house, but certainly I do have those people in my own community and at my own church. Just thinking, thinking, thinking.....

It's kind of terrifying, actually, to ask people to pray for you. Especially when it's about a potentially hot-button issue of "Should we adopt more kids when we already have six??"

Today was my day to start asking a few select real-life friends to join us in prayer about this issue. We don't feel like we want to just walk into church and ask everybody to pray about it yet. The potential of people's off-the-cuff reactions (whether positive or negative) feels too heavy to deal with right now. Emotional reactions to the issue of adoption are pretty common.....we've got enough emotions of our own without inviting a bunch more.

After sending out the first "please pray with us about this" email today (to our pastor) I just about burst into tears. I was gripped with fear that they might eventually say to us that they don't believe God wants us to adopt. What if everybody tells me that we're nuts, lowsy parents to the kids we have, and that nobody wants me bringing a bunch of orphaned children around?

Writing it down like that actually helps....because I see the fear for the nonsense that it is. I guess it's just terrifying to try to sort through hearing from God and hearing from everybody else. And when your heart feels like you need to do something, it wouldn't feel too good to have the doors close in your face. Especially when your mission has the potential to save lives....

When trying to unravel my thoughts and desires about adoption, it can be tempting to over-analyze. You can out-think yourself about just about anything if you work at it long enough. When I think about what the Bible says about God's heart for orphans, I have to ask myself, "Why on earth would I doubt that God wants me to do what God's Word tells me He wants done?"

Adoption On My Mind

I've mentioned it here before. We have a soft spot for adoption. We've talked about it and considered it on and off for at least 11 years. Once again we're at a point where we're wondering, "Is now the time?"

Aside from that we're asking ourselves what adoption path to take. There are a lot of possibilities. (kids from foster care, or kids from many nations around the world)

We're asking people that care to pray along with us for guidance on this. Would you like to join us?

Here is Part One and Part Two of an Oprah show about families that adopted kids from Liberia. This is one of the options we're considering. (we had the idea before we knew about the show)