5 Minute Memoir: Mother's Day

Tis the season when we see many article decrying the way Mother's Day is handled, and how it hurts those who have lost children, who haven't been able to have children, and so forth.  While I certainly can appreciate this and would hope that churches and other organizations could learn ways to somehow be more inclusive and less upsetting to these women, I have a few feelings about this myself.

For years I have attended a church that does nothing for Mother's Day.  No mention.  No carnations.  No honoring.  Nothing.

And you know what?  It hurt.

I'm a mother of six children.  I have busted my butt for over 20 years to do my job as a mother and do it well.  I have sacrificed greatly in order to take care of my children in a way that seems right to me.

So now I'm supposed to feel bad if my church honors me in some way on Mother's Day?  My church is supposed to feel bad if they want to honor moms and dads on their respective holidays? Does everyone else's loss negate my turn at having something?

And it's not just me that I'm talking about.

I think of my friends who planned carefully for the right time to have a baby, then lost their first baby to a miscarriage that rocked their world. These sweet and lovable people had pretty much everybody that knows them cheering them on as they finally did have a precious baby boy.  I know I am not the only person at church that has cried a little while seeing this couple snuggle and love their little son.  Other than myself, I can't think of a couple I was more excited to see have a baby. This woman deserves the fullness of her Mother's Day, not to have it quietly swept under the rug because someone else might be reminded of their pain.

Motherhood is part pain for all of us.
It may be a struggle to get or stay pregnant.
Many of us have lost babies to miscarriage and stillbirth and illnesses and accidents.
We all have pain to bring our children into the world, whether through our bodies or through even more difficult channels, such as adoption.
Many suffer to breastfeed, or to not, the sleepless nights, the broken hearts (both ours and our children's), the injuries, the hospitalizations, the difficult choices about their educational paths and their futures.
We. All. Have. Pain. related to our journey as women and mothers.  Life is beautiful and life is painful. They go hand-in-hand.

Can we not celebrate and honor those that have something to celebrate and honor?  Do those that have emerged from some pain to have children to show for it also have to give up having some special treatment because someone else is sad?  Can we mothers not even have one stinking day a year where society says, "Way to go!  We could not do it without you!  You are so important to us!"without having someone else make us feel like we have to give something up for someone else?

Yes, I do think that there is a way to both honor mothers as well as not hurt those for whom motherhood is a painful subject.  I'm just tired of seeing so much about Mother's Day turned into a focus that leaves out all the women who do have children.

Completely politically incorrect, I'm sure.  For better or worse.

5 Minute Memoir: A life without myself?

I've been thinking lately about this strange and wonderful trip we call motherhood.

I don't have to list all of the ways that it has been wonderful.  That much should be obvious.

The strange part is that I find myself looking around, 20 years into my motherhood journey, wondering where is the space for ME in my life.

There are 8 more years til my youngest is an official adult, and realistically there will be several more years beyond that where I will be needed as mom.

I look at the things I have spent my life doing for 20 years, and by and large it is all about my children (and husband, to a lesser degree).  Yes, I've had my business ventures, and I'm thankful for that.  But even business is largely impacted and constrained by motherhood and family priorities.  The almost imperceptible growth is all about motherhood.

I know that some women manage to keep themselves in a starring role even while being a mother.  I, however, have not.

I'm looking toward the next decade, both in anticipation of enjoying the final push of my mothering years with my children, but also wondering how I could better take care of myself and make space for myself to do some of the things that I would like to do.  It has been so long since what I would like to do has even mattered, I'm not even sure what that is.  I was watching a video with the kids today.  It was about throwing pottery on a wheel.  It looks so appealing, I found myself wondering if I could take a pottery class somewhere, and then of course How would I have time for this? and on and on with the regular objections that accompany all non-essential possibilities.

I have made a start.  I booked a reservation to go away and visit with a friend.  More daring:  I have only met her in person once, and then have been facebook friends ever since.  She is always posting interesting things and I found myself thinking that she would be a cool person to go hang out with.  I told her so, she thought it was a great idea, and now here we are with a trip planned for the end of June.

I'm hoping to make myself more of a priority.  I'm not sure that 30 years of living in mom-mode only is good for any of us.

And, yes, I realize that this is in contrast to my recent posts about wanting to take time to smell the roses with my kids, about my enthusiasm for upcoming homeschooling opportunities, and about my desire to pour out my best upon my family.  That's the funny thing about motherhood.  I love it deeply and fully, but I am also needing some space to fill myself back up so I can keep giving, and also so I am not overwhelmed by the demands and sometimes smothering aspects of  constant service to others.  I do not need a lot, but I do have needs.  What can I say?  I want more.

1 Minute Memoir: Mission Accomplished

My Don't Hurry, Don't Worry day was a success.

I don't think I got to sit outside and enjoy the breeze, but everything else that I wished for did happen.

When was the last time I can remember doing almost everything on my To Do list?  Too long ago to remember.

:)

5 Minute Memoir: Don't Worry, Don't Hurry

Several years ago I came up with this saying:

Don't worry, don't hurry.

I am hoping to live that today.

Yes, there is a lot to do, but it will all get done (or not) and life will go on.

I am going to

enjoy my kids

enjoy folding laundry

enjoy having some friends over for dinner

read some more of The Writer's Jungle (which is wonderful and inspiring)

take a shower and wash my hair and just enjoy it and not feel rushed about it

hand wash dishes (because the dishwasher has died) and just enjoy it

sit outside and feel the breeze on my skin (just did that last night and thought to myself that too often we discount the luxuries that nature provides!)

make homemade lasagne for dinner

do what I can and not worry about the rest.

It is going to be a beautiful day.

5 Minute Memoir: Living It Well

I heard it again yesterday.

I was talking to a friend and we were discussing possible times to get together.  "Friday is a possibility for me," I offered.  She then launched into how crazy her Friday would be, since her two daughters would be attending their first prom.  Hair, nails, makeup, and special dresses would be taking up most of her time and attention that day.

And then she said it:  "I just wish it would all be over!  I'm so busy!  It's too much!"

I heard myself in that comment.  I mentioned that to her, too.  This thing that keeps happening to me, where life is going on in the form of birthdays, special events, holidays, concerts, games, and so on, and for some reason we keep finding ourselves feeling strung out, over-burdened, and too busy to be able to enjoy it.

We just want it over.

So we can get on with whatever all that other stuff is that isn't extra special.

Yeah.

I am wanting to find a way to make consistent space in my life for all of the special times.  I am sick of feeling like I just want to get this over about so many things.  My babies are growing up.  One is already out flying in the world, and the second one just turned 17.  The third one pointed out to me, just yesterday, that in a little over a year he'll be driving.  Heck, my 5th kiddo was just asking me, "So in 4 years I'll be driving, right?"  Um.....yes......

In the next 8 years I am going to have 5 children become adults.  I am suddenly in the final stretch.  I want it to count!  I want to live it all and not be so often overwhelmed and unprepared and run down by the demands of life.

We only get to do this life once.  I want to live mine well.

5 Minute Memoir: A new lesson

Today I successfully pulled on my Big Girl Pants and stood up for myself.

I mentioned how put-upon I've been feeling.  Well, I had an "opportunity" to speak clearly about my needs in the situation.

It's funny how even when I'm being completely reasonable, it feels difficult to say no to someone.

Years ago I discovered a valuable thing:  Bad behavior thrives in situations where everybody will pretend it doesn't exist.  When you dare to call someone out on their bad behavior, so often they no longer have the balls to keep up with it.

I am wondering now if this put-upon thing is the same.  If people ask me for stuff that I don't want to do/feels unreasonable/is just too much for me to take on, if I tell them straight-up my limitations or problems with their request, will they try harder next time to think before asking?

I have read that saying about how we teach people how to treat us.  Obviously I have done a great job of teaching people that they can ask for anything without regard for anything else in my life.  I can no longer give to that level.  Time to teach a new lesson, I guess.

And I started today.

5 Minute Memoir: Work in Progress

It's a little bit amazing, I think, that for so many years I have been learning the lesson that I can trust my gut, and yet I am still learning this lesson.

One might think that I would have arrived by now.

The one thing I can say for myself about this particular case, is that I knew it was happening, but I was afraid to fully trust my gut.  I was so afraid and the stakes were so high that I kept going even though something inside of me said, "No!  Something isn't right!  Something doesn't make sense about this!  This is not going to end well!  You are going to get hurt!"

I have always tried to be a woman of conviction and a woman of my word.  If I commit to something, by crackie I mean to stick with it!  But this time it was almost as if I was having an out-of-body experience; an observer of myself.

On one side, everything seemed right.  The situation.  The prayer.  The opportunity.  The unity.  The answers outside of me kept saying yes, Yes!, YES!  It was as if a force was propelling us toward action.

Inside I felt alone with my questions and cautions and concerns.  I felt like maybe my gut instincts were broken, because I seemed to be the only one that was feeling the No!  Wait!  Caution!

I don't know.  Maybe it was all meant to be this way.  After all, there was earnest prayer, open-minded seeking of counsel, agreement with our path even from those that we did not expect to receive it from.  All of it brought us to today and to a strange and unexpected place.

Except that I knew.

I told my husband a few months ago that I felt something like this would happen.  I predicted it right now to the month.

I was scared to follow my gut all the way.

I am a work in progress.

5 Minute Memoir: Tired of Being Put Upon

I bend.

It must be obvious to everyone around me.

I have these people who don't hesitate to ask for more, impose, and smoosh themselves into the middle of my life without any regard for me or my life or my family.

barnacles

leeches

piranhas

always nibbling, biting, asking for more

And these aren't even the people that I'm actually responsible for!

For so long I have been in the habit of trying to be able to say yes, trying to accommodate, making a way to make others happy, finding a way to suck it up rather than tell someone else NO.

It's not good.

Something has to give, and it has to stop being me all the time.

New skills needed, pronto.

5 Minute Memoir: My Deepest Wish

Way back in 2003 I wrote the Mothering Manifesto I have included below.  It continues to beckon to me and be the cry of my heart.  So much has happened, I feel pulled out to sea.  The idea of being able to earnestly invest in my home and family, to the exclusion of everything else, sounds like an almost impossible dream.

As I examine my situation and the things I would like to disentangle myself from, but feel unable to part with, it always comes back to money.  I do not quit my job because we need the income.  I do not quit business ventures because we need the income and the potential they represent.

I do not know of any way out of this at this time.  I must do my best to find contentment within my situation, and to be aware of the dead weight in my schedule that I could continue to purge.  I do not know it will turn out or when I will make my way back to a more simplified life.  I am reminded that everything is a trade-off.  No job means less money, which means more work and more stress in other ways.  Get a job means some measure of financial ease, but then life has to accommodate the never-ending responsibility of the employment.

Ah, well, this is life.

"Stay, stay at home, my heart, and rest: Homekeeping hearts are happiest..."

--Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

"The ordinary arts we practice every day at home are of more importance to the soul than their simplicity might suggest."

~~Thomas Moore

"There should be a certain amount of order, because you cannot really rest in a disorderly place."

~~Elsie de Wolfe

"Take time for all things."--Benjamin Franklin

"He is happiest, be he king or peasant, who finds peace in his home."

--Johann von Goethe

HOME should be the place where we love the most and love the best. Our FAMILY should get our best attention, love, support, and respect.

I want home to be the place we give our best. Our best love, our best energy, our best creativity, our best patience and attention. I want our home and family to be the recipient of my talents. I want to use my time wisely and pour out my BEST STUFF on my family and those I love in ways that will make a difference both in daily life and in the long run and in eternity. I want to drop the extra stuff and just concentrate on being the best I can be right here in my home and with my precious family.

What to do about the frustration of not being able to make very much progress? Well, let’s see….. Make a way! Be more creative. Ask hubby for help in figuring this out. Pray for the Lord to show me how I can improve. Stop telling myself that this is too hard. Start reminding myself of how much I LOVE MY FAMILY and then ACT on it! Turn my heart toward home!!

5 Minute Memoir: Wildly Subversive Thoughts

What if I could just

stay home

feed my children and husband

homeschool my kids

clean, organize, decorate, garden, and make a home...

and not blog about it

not instagram about it

not pinterest about it

not write a book about it

not teach anybody about it

not speak at retreats about it

not monetize it.

Just

be.

5 Minute Memoir: Pruning

I recently watched a documentary called Back to Eden.  It's about gardening.  In it is mentioned that God prunes (cuts away) in order to have greater productivity, and that nature works the same way, though mathematically it seems as though it should not work.

I immediately thought about my life and wondered what I could prune.

I am over extended.

Too many things feel like they are dragging me down.

I feel tired and like life is not as enjoyable as it might have once been, or at least not as enjoyable as I would like it to be.

And so I am thinking about this and wondering what I could prune.  What things detract from the better stuff in life?  What things are weighing me down and don't deserve even a spot around my neck?

I have been making some lists.  I took one step today.  More will follow as clarity comes.

5 Minute Memoir: I Don't Know

It seems that the most commonly uttered declaration I have used so far this year is

I Don't Know.

I didn't know what we were getting into with open heart surgery, a long hospital stay, and a very long recovery time.

I didn't have any frame of reference for what it would be like or how to plan or prepare for it.

I do not know when my husband will be all better.  I do not know when life will seem entirely normal again.  (whatever that would be)

The same is true with our situation with our new kids.

I do not know if we will get to adopt them.

I do not know if the damage done by the loss of their chance at ever living with their mom is greater or less than the damage done if they end up going back.

I do not know if broken hearts are greater or less terrible than broken homes or mental health issues or poverty or patterns of domestic violence.

I do not know if restoration to a very-much-less-than-ideal living situation is preferable to a much-more-ideal living situation, when it's the difference between getting what you think you want, and getting what others think you need.

There are so many things I do not know.  As I told some friends at church last week, this is free-falling with God.

My prayers contain very little by way of agenda.  Helpful friends will say, "I will be praying that you get to adopt them" and I always say, "Just pray that God will make a way for whatever He wants to have happen."  I do not know what that is.

5 Minute Memoir: Full Spectrum

My husband commented to me that I had been "growly" to him lately.

It's true.

There was the day that he placed a huge crock pot full of 3-day old non-refrigerated cooked beans on the deck and let the dogs eat them, and then left the house, and the dogs proceeded to come in and puke all over the floor.

And we were out of paper towels.

There was the day that I had to be gone til 4pm and asked him to pre-cook some chicken before I got home, and he assured me that he had it all under control, but then I got home and found that it wasn't cooked and the casserole that was to be made (for company!  for a birthday!) was set back by 30 or 40 minutes.

Yes, I was growly.  Sue me.

While it is true that I probably would not enjoy it if he growled at me for something I did, I feel like growling about bone-headed nonsense is a reasonable response.  Don't you?

I thought about how often I am reminded that people don't really want to deal with a full spectrum person.  Society tells us (especially women) all the time that there is an acceptable range of emotions, attitude, or responses that are ok.  If you step beyond that boundary, you are a bitch or irrational or have PMS and are to be ignored.

In talking to my daughter yesterday about a problem she had with a friend, it was revealed that she did not feel free to speak truthfully to this girl, even about something as simple as, "I would like it if you would not bring your TV and single-player video games to my house when you sleep over for my birthday."  She did not feel that she could tell her friend, "I would like to go out shopping with my mom alone."  She has learned what all of us learn--it is too risky to be honest.  People may ---e gads!--- think you are a *bitch* if you do not appease them.

Heaven help me break this cycle for my daughter!

I have sometimes had to remind my husband that if he wanted a robot for a wife, he made a wrong turn long ago.  You got yourself a full-spectrum woman here.  With the same voracity I can cook up the bacon, fry it up in a pan, bounce a baby on a hip, run a business, manage a home school, and never let you forget you're a man, among other things.  So, yes, after 4+ months of the pressure of trying to adjust to having new children, after 3+ months of caretaking and doing a huge, HUGE job while tending to a sick, in-hospital, recovering-open-heart-surgery-patient, YES it is true that some things may cause me to growl.  Yes, sure, it is not nice.  Because guess what--nice is not all I have to offer.

5 Minute Memoir: Sentimentality

For years I have chafed at the poems, articles, and various confessionals written by parents who can't seem to cope with the fact that their children have grown up.  Just the other day I heard a poetry recitation on this subject that left me feeling like this is yet another area where a mother of many is different from others.  While a mother of two children that are just a few years apart will likely experience a sudden empty nest and a long wait until the chicks return to the nest with spouses and children of their own, the mother with six or eight children, spanning 10 or 14 years will not.  For this mother, one is an adult, employed, dealing with life's big questions and challenges, plus there are teenagers, pre-teens, and then little ones who still need help learning to read and do their math.  By the time the youngest one has flown the nest, I'll have children in their 30s.  I certainly do not expect to have an empty nest syndrome at any point in the next many decades, thanks to this.

Also, having had so many children, I feel like I have done every stage A Lot.  I do not cry over leaving the stages.  I did each one so many times and for so long that I have paid all my dues and don't have a whole lot of care when we move out of them.  Onward and upward!  Enjoy where they are at and don't be sad about what is done.

But every so often, like today when my daughter turns 17, and yesterday when my preemie turned 13, I get a little sentimental.  I think the one thing that does grab at my heart is when I think of them as little tykes, and although they have been transformed into older, bigger people, it feels like a loss.  It feels like that little cuddly stinker has dissolved into thin air.  I will admit, I get teary thinking about it.

5 Minute Memoir: Full Heart

I got to snuggle with my new little guy for awhile tonite.  He was supposed to be getting into bed, but his roommate wasn't ready yet, and he came out into the living room with his blanket to tell me that he feels really lonely without someone in there with him.  He is often hesitant to let me hold him, so when I sensed an opportunity, I took it.  :)  I invited him up into my chair and onto my lap.  He jumped in right away and cuddled up with me so nicely.  We took a series of pictures together with my phone, too.  It was simple and really good.  Made me feel like a real mom to him, which is a good, good feeling.

Speaking of moms, their mom is supposedly coming to visit us soon.  She has not seen the children in 8-9 months.  Not only does she want to visit them, but she wants to finally meet us, see where we live, and talk about adoption plans. (Assuming she decides that things look good enough here for her to go through with it.)  It will be interesting to see how it goes and what happens.  I feel worried about the kids and how it will be for them.  They seem to be settling in so well here.  They call us mom and dad.  I feel like when their mom shows up they are going to not know what to call us in front of her.  They have been told for years that they would get to go back with their mom, which isn't likely to be possible anytime in the foreseeable future.  I hate to drag up a bunch of stuff for them.  Hopefully it won't be too rough.

This is an unusual and tricky situation as far as adoptions go.  After all the years of looking into adoption, this is one scenario I never expected to find myself in.  However, this family is in God's hands, so I will trust that it will all work out ok, one way or another.  For right now, I have peace in the midst of many unanswered questions and many unknowns.  Thank you, Lord, for that.  And for snuggling little boys that call me mom.

5 Minute Memoir: Good things

I have a job that allows me to still be with my kids, homeschool, plus help my children learn to serve and better understand a person with special needs.  This is cool and awesome and something to be really, really thankful for.  I don't know any other moms with lots of kids that can also do what I do.

Though we have ups and downs, I am having more days and moments of feeling more connected to and in love with my new kiddos.  This process of bonding to each other is not straightforward for any of us, but it is very encouraging to feel and see it happening.

CC has been great this year.  I have loved being a tutor.  I have loved the kids in my class.  I have gotten some really nice feedback from the kids and parents and I know that they appreciate what I do for them.  I know I'm doing a good job and that feels good.  Tomorrow I get to proof another Memory Master plus hopefully at least one more student for the Bible memory award.  Good stuff.

I bought a new globe for our home.  We had one years ago and it got trashed.  Globes are kinda pricey, yo, but I coughed up the funds and got one because I thought it was worthwhile and important. Already the kids are enjoying finding places that they have learned about this year.  We do a lot of map work in CC, but all of it is flat.  I'm happy to have a globular version of the earth to share with them as well.  :)

5 Minute Memoir: Blessings

Tomorrow my mother-in-law is hosting dinner for the whole extended family in our area.  She is always willing to host, plan, cook, and clean up for these big events, and I sure do appreciate it.

I have two children with birthdays next week.  My preemie will turn 13, and my oldest daughter will turn 17.  As cliche as it sounds, it is hard to believe.

I had my husband by my side on this beautiful spring day while we hid dozens of Easter eggs for our children to find.  Two months ago he was just coming out of the post-surgery fog after having open heart surgery.  I remember feeling very alone at the time.  I am thankful that he is recovering so well.

7 of our kids hunted high and low through the yard to find eggs.  It was so nice that even my almost-17-year-old wanted to participate.  I am already thinking of ideas for a grown-up egg hunt for future years.  :)

My husband and I got to go out to buy some special cupcakes, some area rugs, and a few other items today.  We ended up stopping by my mom's house.  I am so thankful that she and her husband now live close enough for us to see them often and share support through all that life brings.  With new children, multiple surgeries, chemo, car accidents, and many other things going on between both households, support and comfort of family is a blessing.

5 Minute Memoir: Attitude

So I have been doing quite a bit of thinking about mindset and attitude lately.

Several things in my life can feel quite overwhelming, scary, and frustrating.  When I find myself getting upset and feeling down about it, I am reminded of the ideas presented in the book The Power of Now.  Is anything happening right now that is a problem?  Typically the answer is no.  Nothing is happening right now that is bad.  Most of what I am feeling upset by is the what-ifs.  I don't know what will happen in the future.  Some difficult stuff has happened in the past and maybe it will happen again.  Maybe it will be worse next time!  

When I feed those negative voices they grow in strength and soon they are strong enough to pull me down into a funk.

Mission:  To feed positive voices.  To starve negative voices.  To be more present and less worried about things that have happened in the past or might (or might not) happen in the future.

5 Minute Memoir

Good things today:

1.  I actually read a book for pleasure today.  As so often happens, I randomly plucked a book off of my shelf and got into it, and serendipitously found that it addressed some of what's happening in my own life.  The message I got was a confirmation that I am not alone in feeling conflicted about some of the things in my life, that putting words to them is not shameful, and that feelings can grow and change.

2.  This children played well together today and were less clingy than some recent days.  It was a helpful respite from recent family dynamics.


Bad things today:

1.  My husband had made a crock pot full of soup beans a few days ago.  He forgot to put them away, so then they sat out.  His disposal method?  Set the crock of old beans on the deck.  Where the dogs would eat it.  And then they would vomit.  Repeatedly.  In the house.  And there were children waking up who didn't know what was going on, who would see the dogs by the back door and would let them back in, and then they would barf again.

And did I mention that we were out of paper towels?

This was not a nice way to start the day.  Though it is very nice that I now have several children who are old enough to clean up dog barf without assistance.

2.  One kid peed their bed last night, which resulted in quite a bit of laundry.  This kiddo needs to not only be reminded to pee before bedtime, but you actually have to stand outside the bathroom door to listen to be sure he actually goes.  Good times!

Radio silence ends.

In November we added two children to our family.

In January my husband had open heart surgery.

I am going to try writing for 5 minutes at a time, to get some stuff written down and see what happens.

I may only get around to doing it this once.

I have now wasted one minute of my 5.  So here are some random things I have to say:

Adding children to the family has been harder than expected.  I also did not expect to have this experience reveal so many areas of my character that need improvement.

Has it been a good thing?  Yes and no.  I don't know.  I think it's too early to tell.  It is hard.  Sometimes I think it is too hard.  Sometimes I think it is mostly hard in my mind, where I feel the burden of wondering where this will lead/what will happen/have we made the right choices/will everything be ok?

In reality, days go by and everything is ok.  

Compounding the experience of adjusting to new children with special needs while also having a husband with major surgery and a l-o-n-g recovery time certainly has multiplied the stress level way, way high.  I keep trying to encourage myself that we have been through an awful lot of wacky, stressful, intense stuff in the past 4+ months, so nothing is expected to have been easy.  It'll get better.  Or at least I hope so.

Time's up.