A Strong Fountation

"I'm starting to kinda freak out, Mom."

It was my oldest.  He's nearly 20, and in a short while he'll be heading off to Texas for a great adventure.  Some of the realities of his plans were starting to seem a little scary to him this morning.

So we grabbed our morning smoothies and sat on the couches in the living room early today and talked about it.

It was going well until he said, "So how do you really feel about all of this, Mom?  You don't really ever say anything about how you really feel."

Yeah.  That.

Well, what can I say?


When I think of you going all the way to Texas, I know you can do it.

I know you are going to be fine, that you can get a job and manage your life and eat decent food and make decent choices.

I'm happy that you are having a grand adventure because I know life will tend to funnel out those opportunities more and more as the years go by.

I know you will make some mistakes, too, but you'll be ok.

You've got everything you need to spread your wings and fly, which is exactly where you should be as a 20 year old young man.

But when I think of you going all the way to Texas, I know that

-I will miss being able to talk to you and work on projects together in person

-you might end up staying longer than expected, or putting down roots and living far away from us for a long time or forever.  This could be a bigger goodbye than just a few months.

-and I think about my little boy that I adored to a level that I didn't even know was possible before he was placed in my arms.  He is the one who brought out the warrior mother in me and changed me forever.  He is the one I never slept without touching for years when he was little.


I won't tell you that the years go by quickly.  If anything, having my oldest being a little tyke seems a million miles away from today.  It's like a distant, beautiful dream that makes me cry just because of the overwhelming amount of pure love and joy that is contained in all of it.

Childhood memories often make me cry.  I think it's because it seems like something has been lost.  There once was a beautiful, curly-haired, spunky little boy who disappeared because he grew up.  It's bittersweet.  Yes, he's still in there, and I love it when I see glimpses of that same fun little character that was my close buddy for so many years.  We have built upon an amazing storehouse of unconditional love, adoring companionship, laughter, memories, great conversations, and much more.  I don't regret a minute of the time I spent lavishing love on any of my kids, and as I am now moving into this stage where they are starting to leave the nest at greater distances and for longer periods of time, I can see even more clearly the value of all the investments I have made as a mother.

You won't regret it, moms.  Your generous, wholehearted love toward your children is what you are building on.  It is a strong foundation.  Build it up.  You can do this.

This Might Just Be the Undoing Of Me

A teenage daughter. That's what.

I see now how lucky I was. My first teenager was my son who is so much like me and it is very, very easy for me to understand him and for us to get along. We are two peas in a pod in many ways.

When he got into the teen years, yes, I will admit that there were tricky times. Overall, though, I was the Teen Whisperer. My husband would be frustrated and bewildered, but I possessed the natural skills to calm the stormy seas between the two of them, and to act as an interpreter when they could not understand each other.

How nice that was.

Now, I suspect it may be my husband's time to shine, because the way things are going so far with my daughter.....clearly I am outside of my skill set.

I would say that out of ten times that I engage in talking to her, trying to include her in something, or in any other way communicate with her, 6-8 of those times will be met with one of the following:

-eye-rolling
-sarcasm
-negativity
-a look of extreme boredom
-rude behavior of some other sort

I am not a parent who accepts getting run over by crap behavior. Although I certainly do understand the hormonal difficulties and other troubles of this age, I also believe that we can choose to have kind behavior to one another.

So I mention it. I coach. I lovingly correct. I discipline. I come down hard when I need to.

But, this is a child with a special strength to her personality. Which is very, very good in many ways. But not good when it results in strong resistance to being corrected.

She seems stubbornly committed to snotty behavior. And it might just be the end of me.

It feels like it has been going on for a long time now. I am not the only victim of her bad attitude. Her siblings deal with it all day long as well, so I have ample opportunities to continue to correct, defend, model appropriate behavior, and so on. (and get argued with, and get eyes rolled at me, and to have her stay in her bedroom as much as humanly possible)

It isn't catching on, people. Not with this one. Not right now.

Logic tells me that she will outgrow this. Experience tells me that this child doesn't always outgrow stuff. (I thought she would outgrow her picky eater stage as a preschooler. She didn't. And now she has serious difficulties with eating normally. It's not fun for any of us.)

Yesterday I took her out to shop. We have decided to let her go to middle school. Monday is her first day. She needed shirts with collars in order to meet the dress code. So off we went, in search of shirts. Which you would think would make a teenager happy.

It was hard to find the kind of shirts she needs. It took a long time. We were wilting. She got snottier and snottier as the day wore on. It was horrible. I was doing my best to hunt down the right kind of shirts and dig out her size and show them to her and of course never (ever!) act like I care if she picks this one or that one because it is a rule for mothers of teenagers to not try to pressure them into dressing a certain way. (thankfully, I really don't care what she wears, so I have no internal struggle on this. The trick is to not let any inflection of your voice make the kid even suspect that you are trying to talk them into anything....)

At one point she had been so rude, unthankful, and unpleasant that I seriously, seriously considered turning right around and marching back to the car and ending the shopping trip. Under other circumstances I would have. Under these circumstances, this was our only opportunity to get this done before she needs the clothes, we live a long way from the mall, and I could not foresee a time in the near future when her father or I could take her back to continue the hunt.

So it went on. With me working at not bursting into tears.

All-in-all, we finally got some shirts, I got a seriously aching back, we got to have a fight in the car on the way home, and I got to cry myself to sleep over this.

Yes, seriously.

I'm sure some psychologist would say that my daughter and I are both afraid of the upcoming changes of her going to school, or of her growing up, or some other thing.

Somebody else might blame it on PMS. (thankfully there are only two females in our household who can synchronize our menstruation, and thus our PMS as well....)

I don't know what to blame it on, but I don't like it. Not one bit.

As I recall, my snotty-teenager days were short-lived, and I think ended when I was 13. I had witnessed some very loving mother-daughter relationships at our church mother-daughter banquet, and realized that I could make the choice to just enjoy my mom, who I already realized was a really fun and cool person. While I'm sure I was not a perfect angel for every minute of the rest of my growing up, I know that the choice I made that day stuck with me and served me (and our whole family, I'm sure) very well. It would sure be nice if my daughter could figure something like that out.

My husband had (yet another) talk with her today, after listening to me cry last night. I don't know what he said to her, but she has been trying to be nicer today. It has gone well. Somehow, I feel like a person afraid of getting bitten by a snake. I am thankful that she has been nice, but I am kinda nervous around her.

It's not how I want to feel about my own kid.

(sigh)

"Can't go under it...
Can't go over it...
Can't go around it....
Gotta go through it!"

Pray for me. She's only 14. God have mercy.

It Will Cost You, and Rightfully So

My kids aren't all grown up yet. The oldest is 18, but as far as proof in the pudding and all that jazz, I don't have that much of it. (proof or pudding) Yes, my kids are pretty cool and are doing well in many ways. I'm pleased with who they are. But most of my deeper parenting issues are still in the wait-and-see-how-it-will-turn-out phase.

While I try to have a healthy amount of modesty and self-depreciation about my parenting, there are some things I am willing to be brave about and dare to say how I think it should be. If it turns out I'm wrong, maybe I will post a retraction here on this blog in five or ten years. Tune in to see!

What I want to talk about is sacrifice. Good parenting requires personal sacrifice. Many people think they understand this, but they are not really ready to dig in their heels and continue to sacrifice when it goes in directions that are too inconvenient and costly.

Good parenting requires strong leadership and strong character. If you do not have one or both of these traits, hopefully you will develop those muscles as your parenting journey unfolds. If you don't, I hope that you have been blessed with good-natured, hard-working, stable-minded children who will be able to thrive despite those lacks.

We've had a couple things come up recently that I thought I would share as examples of the kind of sacrifice I have found necessary in order to teach and lead my children in the way I think they will most benefit from.

Our oldest son got his driver's permit when he was 16, but the deal was that he was not going to get his license until he could afford to pay his part of the car insurance. While I do not think this is a must for every family, in our case we thought it was important. I had been encouraging him to seek employment since he was 14 or 15 in order to save money for this time in his life, and he had not done it. So now he had no money and no prospects for earning any. And right away he was saying to me, "I see now why I should have tried harder to get a job back when you were telling me that." Uh huh. Yep.

Reasons why we wanted him to pay his own insurance:
-To connect the privilege of driving with the financial responsibility, as well as the personal responsibility to seek, obtain, and maintain employment

Sacrifices we made to wait it out while he got to this point:
-We were driving him around for 12 months that he could have been eligible for a license, including taking up two days every week of driving him 45 minutes each way to some classes he was taking, and disrupting our homeschool schedule and complicating other schedules. This was happening while gas prices were getting pretty crazy too. It cost us a lot of time and money and inconvenience. It would have been cheaper for us to just pay for his insurance ourselves. But the long term goal was more important that the short-term ease.

Eventually he got some odd jobs and earned some decent money and was in a position to pay for his insurance and he got his license. He now pays us monthly for his part of the car insurance, and has also taken over paying his portion of the cell phone bill. Little by little, we will both encourage him to become an accomplished saver, as well as to take over the costs of his adult life. We're raising a man here, not a boy.

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My new licensed driver got a speeding ticket, going 24 miles per hour over the speed limit. Not cool. At all. He gets to appear in court (the only option was court) to deal with this ticket and whatever consequences there are. He will be paying for the entire cost of the ticket, and it is possible that he might even have his license suspended because he was still a probationary driver when this happened.

Know what? We're not going to try to fix it or make it softer for him. We will go with him to court. We are not angry at him. We will encourage him to accept whatever happens. He needs to experience the consequences of this. If it means he has no license for 90 days, so be it. Then he can see how that will impact his life. Kinda hard to have a job and pay your bills without a driver's license, you know?

I'm not a hard-hearted parent. I love my kids like crazy. I love 'em enough to let them experience the consequences of their mistakes, because I would rather have him fully experience the costs of his behavior now, rather than be an irresponsible husband or father someday because he never had to face up to his actions.

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We have taught our kids for as long as they could understand, about saving, paying cash, and staying out of debt. With our oldest son we are now where the rubber meets the road with this stuff. He is still in his final year of homeschooling, but is 18, so has adult options in the wide world. We will not be buying him a car, but are encouraging him to work and save his money to buy one. What we have done is kept a third vehicle of ours for him to drive since when he works it would be difficult for us to just have two vehicles. We're not giving him the car, but it is available to him on a temporary basis while he gets up on his own two feet with a car of his own.

My husband started considering some other options for what to do about this third car. He was seeing financial benefits to us of selling the third car, buying something adequate for our son with the proceeds, and then letting our son pay us for the car in installments. Later in discussing it together, we realized: this was missing the point. I neither want my son in debt for a car to a car dealership or a bank OR his parents. I think it is important for him to work, save, discipline himself, make a purchase within his budget, and reap the satisfaction of having a completely paid for car that he earned by the sweat of his brow. I believe he will appreciate it more, take better care of it, and more importantly, he will have gotten over yet another hurdle in how to manage his money and make wise financial decisions that will have a huge positive impact on the rest of his life and his own family someday.

What it costs us to live this out:
-The cost of maintaining a third car.
-Also, the third car is a gas guzzler, so that costs my son more to drive.
-The risk of our son damaging the third car (which he already has, mildly) and us losing the resale value even further.

What I believe will be gained by sticking with it:
-A young man who knows how to work, save, discipline, plan, and appreciate what he has.
-A young man who sees that he is capable of doing what it takes to be smart financially.
-Helping him live out what we have taught him is important.

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Tonite was a new one, this time from my 12 year old son. Back in June we were at a Christian music festival, and a speaker was recruiting new sponsors for Compassion international. My 12 year old was moved (maybe manipulated) into raising his hand, and eventually standing to his feet, to take on the responsibility of sponsorship for a child in Ethiopia. After discussing it ourselves, my husband and I talked to our young son about the cost of sponsorship ($38/mo), and what we were willing to do to help him take this on (we would pay half), and what we were willing to do to help him do his part (provide extra chore opportunities that he could earn money from). Basically, if our son works for 15 minutes a day for 19 days in a month, he will have earned his part of the money.

He was all for it.

We paid for the initial payment.
His birthday money paid for his half of the second payment.
And in three months he has never once asked for an extra job so he could earn money. And I have been waiting to see what would happen when this month's money was due, because I knew it would be crunch time for him.

This child avoids work more than any of my other children, and is the least likely to take the initiative to earn money through work. This has been his tendency for as long as I can recall. So I felt that this was a wonderful opportunity for him to have to work, as well as having to be generous.

Well tonite it all caught up with him. He came to me, starting to cry, because he felt overwhelmed at the thought of being financially obligated to this child in Ethiopia. He was sad because he does not have money to do fun things, and had recently experienced having no pocket money to do something fun that his siblings did have money for.

While I can really appreciate how he was feeling, I pointed out to him the strength and ability he has to rise to the obligation and to be able to bless and care for a child who needs help. While he could agree that he is certainly able to work for 15 minutes most days, the bottom line is that he doesn't really want to any more. *Now* he feels the fruit of emotional manipulation (which I will rant about some other day) and wants out.

Well, I'm not giving him a way out. I am going to provide him with an opportunity to grow and be strong and overcome some of his lazy tendencies.

What this will cost me:
-$19 a month to do the half sponsorship
-coming up with extra jobs for him to do that he can earn $19 a month
-dealing with him doing jobs that he might not do well (either because of attitude or ability) with grace and continue to encourage him and guide him even though I might really prefer to have someone else do the job, or do it myself
-helping him remember to write letters to his sponsored child and taking the lead for all such efforts
-listening to him cry, be sad, feel misunderstood, or whatever for as long as it takes

What I believe we will get for our efforts:
-a child in Ethiopia getting an education, health care, and more
-a son who will learn to work even though he does not like to
-a son who will hopefully come to value his ability to bless others through his strength and heart
-a son who will be wiser in the future when emotionally manipulative speakers try to sway him (he is an easily influenced child), and who will hopefully learn to think clearly and logically about decisions
-hopefully the other kids will see the example of this, and honestly I hope that they all decide to sponsor kids through Compassion. I would go halfsies with each one of them and help them do jobs around the house, too, if they could catch the bug for service, sacrifice, and hard work

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I think it is important to remember the big picture, long-term stuff when it comes to parenting issues.

It is important to take the blinders off as much as you can, and see the character strengths and weaknesses that your kids have, and be willing to work on what needs work.

It is important for parents to be able to muster the emotional, physical, mental, and financial STRENGTH to do what is best for each child, even when it comes at a high personal cost. The best things in life do not come for free. When it comes to preparing our kids for the rest of their lives, it's true even moreso.

Good luck to all of my fellow parents! Whether you have one child or a whole bunch, it is a job that demands (and deserves!) the very best we have to offer. Phew!

I Think We're Over It

Our oldest son turned 18 this week. What he wanted for a party was a headbanger concert. So that's what we had.

We've done a few of these shows. He gets in touch with some bands and arranges for them to come play, and we parents secure a place to have the thing, organize the food, security, and hang around providing drinks and snacks and supervision and reminders to smoke outside and stay til the bitter end to make sure the place is cleaned up and every kid has gotten a ride home.

We like to support the interests that our kids have. We like to be fun parents. But this time, I think the experience has about done us in. Since it's nearly 1am now I won't promise anything, but the two little words I've been thinking for the past several hours are Never Again.

We set the timing of this thing to be 7-10, even though he was wanting 6-11. Yeah, um, no thank you. He always does this thing where he plans it for too darn long, there is a ton of down time in between bands setting up and taking down, and it just wears out the welcome, you know? not to mention, after listening to loud, screamo, growly music for hours, we are pretty much ready to get it over with.

So we were being smart, you see, going for just 3 hours. (plus it's a school night, so probably most kids can't really stay much past 10 anyhow)

Unfortunately, there were technical problems. Big ones. That meant that although the party started at 7, there was no music until 9:15.

Yeah.

And we had three bands lined up to play.

So, you can imagine the rest of the story.

Band number one, very good.

Band number two, pretty good. Crowd dwindling.

Band number three gets set up, and only a few exhausted headbangers linger around the edge of the room, many kids are out in the parking lot packing their cars and vans full of music equipment. Including my kid, clueless that band three has begun. So even he missed listening to this nice guy and his band play for his party.

Frankly, I was horrified. So rude! So thoughtless! So failing to truly appreciate what others had done for him.

It was the back-breaking straw for this camel, I'll tell ya.

Yes, I guess he didn't actually know that the other band was starting. But I know my son, and if it was a band that he was really, really excited about, he would not have missed it. no way.

The thing went very late. we just got home a few minutes before midnight. I think I have already earned my Cool Mom Badge, and now I can stop being this cool.

(*My husband was cool and did a little moshing tonite. Someone else was even cooler. That person did a back flip. and while he was doing it, my husband turned just in time to get the flying feet to the face. The poor guy was pretty wrecked. But at least some teenager came and asked him "How old are you?" Dave tells him, "40." Happily, the kid says, "40! and you can mosh like that? wow! That's awesome." So, you know, not a total loss...)

Swirling: Update

Well, the boys made it through their trip to the dentist, and nobody even asked if I was going, nor complained because I was not there. So.

Financial anxiety compounded by $400 dentist visit. Man, teeth are expensive!

Realized that I was given two sets of sheets that I thought I would not like, so planned to give them away. Decided it was a better plan to put them on the bed and give 'em a try, rather than have to go searching for new sheets and pay for 'em. Decision: the news sheets are just fine. Will be keeping them. Cross sheets off the list! (apply the money that would have been spent on the sheets to the dentist! Yes!)

The kids pitched in to help clean up the house, so things are somewhat better now. The trick is keeping it this nice and making it even better consistently. ha.

(yes, I can spin that plate, but then some other plate will not be spinning)

Today we have just a few things going on. Like, taking 1 cat to the vet (1 drop off, 1 pick up), dropping off some of the kids to spend time with their grandparents, and making a party for our 18 year old's birthday happen tonite. (complete with 2 bands and a glow dance/rave....I will be ready for bed tonite!)

I-think-I-can-I-think-I-can.......

Swirling Around in My Noggin

Today has been a bit of a melancholy day. I guess I might be able to blame my gloomy thoughts, fears, and sadness on PMS, though it doesn't really help to do so.

Fears about the children and how will we get this, that, and the other done for them for school.

My new 18 year old got a speeding ticket that is going to cost him a pretty penny, and other consequences from it will be following him for awhile in the form of increased car insurance, and possibly a change in his license status. I really am ok with him dealing with the natural consequences of his actions, but now we also have to consider whether or not he should be losing some driving privileges as well. He just had a fender bender a couple weeks ago as well, so this is not sitting well for my husband and I. (sigh)

I realized that three of my little guys have to go for dental work tomorrow. I hate dental work! (for all of us) I have concerns about the Novocaine, the laughing gas, and most every other aspect of the process. (sigh) It is going to take several hours to get the three of them through their processes, and my husband has volunteered to take them. Which is wonderful of him, and I certainly have plenty to do here, so it's practical. but....I can't help but feel kind of like a cruddy mom to not accompany them. As one of my other kids once told me about this issue, "Moms are more comforting." (while tears welled up in his eyes...) So, side dish a Guilt, please! (the ones that are going tomorrow have not asked if I am going yet, so my guilt is purely self-inflicted at this point)

Had some financial anxiety today, which is interesting because it wasn't based in reality. I think I have spent so many years of my life in some level of financial anxiety (like, 38 of them...) that even now that we have a much better financial situation and are not needing to worry about juggling and suffering with our money, I still have moments of panic and fear that somehow we are going to run out of money and I will have to go back to the way things used to be. I knew it stunk while I was going through it, but at least I was used to it. With some space, and my unique form of financial PTSD, I see that it was more damaging than I realized. Don't. Wanna. Go. Back.
Ever.

The house was a mess. Seemed like everywhere I turned I was faced with a zillion undone things, and chore areas that have not been well-done by children of any age. With 8 able-bodied citizens living here, I think it is reasonable that this house should be kept up better than it is. The trick is in the enforcement, which can be it's own career because of the time and dedication required. I busted around dealing with some of the issues that had been nagging at me and felt some better. I made lists for all the kids to accomplish while I was at work. They did fairly well and things are looking much nicer this evening.

I fell into reading some heavy stuff that got into my head and just contributed to making me sad. It was one of those can't-look-away experiences, even though I could tell that it was getting me down. Eventually I did get away, but then within a day or two seemed to be faced with a few other contentious groups/web sites that also bummed me out. Clicked them off and walked away today. Life's too short to deal with other people's toxicity.

Speaking of toxic, I have at least one toxic person left that I am going to have to deal with. I have set it on the back burner for now, but it is still there, bringing weight. Don't like that. don't know how to escape it. (or like the bear hunt song: Can't go around it, can't go under it, can't go above it, gotta go through it!)

Have been feeling discouraged about my weight. I lost that 30 pounds last year. This year I have probably gained back 5. or so.... Yes, I know how I lost the weight. Careful diet and consistent exercise. I also know that for the most part, it is mighty hard for me to live that way all the time. I have so many responsibilities, and then there are my human frailties....I do not know how I can realistically fit in trips to the gym, or early morning walks, when I have homeschooling taking up the lion's share of every day, work, and of course, everything else. I can see that I am losing some ground on my weight, and I do not want to go back any farther, but I also do not want my schedule to be more slammed than it already is. I understand now why people try so many weight loss tricks and pills--we are all too darn tired and busy to lose weight the honest way!

3 kids needing braces. 3 Pets needing to go to the vet. 3 people needing glasses. New sheets needed(current ones are finally beyond threadbare). Organizing art classes. Coorindating homeschool activities for my kids so they are happy, or at least less unhappy, as the case may be. Getting a ballroom dance class series going in my town. Oh yeah--somewhere in here I supposedly run a business or two. Fill the minds of my offspring with great and mighty things. Learn how to get the most out of my new iphone. Things I want to help people with or told them I would help with but then ran out of steam.

So much stuff! Some days I feel like just saying no to everything beyond home and school and work, and just try to re-spin those plates really well. but, you know, time stops for no woman....if it did we would all buy that app!

No, it doesn't get easier

Lies!
They tell you lies, I say!

All of the people who look at you sweetly when you are hip-deep in babies and toddlers and preschoolers and they say, "It'll get easier, honey. Don't worry."

Well, I beg to differ.

Yes, it's true: you won't always be wiping noses and bottoms and cleaning up duplo blocks and spilled milk.

But what are you trading it in for? Pre-teens and teens with:

Attitudes.

Broken hearts, both romantic and by friends that didn't turn out to be very good friends after all.

Body odor and poor personal hygiene.

Eye rolling.

Hormones.

Lots of emotions out of control: happy, sad, tortured, frustrated, angry.

Learning to drive. And the letting them drive. And then the inevitable fender benders. (I hope a fender bender is the worst you ever deal with.)

Whether or not they accept or reject what you have taught them.

Helping them make big decisions, and hoping that you have earned enough influence with them to have your guidance matter to them.

Eventually they will be making their decisions without you, and you can no longer protect and guide them. You're a captive audience to whatever goes down, good or bad.

And then shake all of this up with 2 or 3 or 4 teenagers or preteens, and you've got a perfect storm, my friends. A hot mess some days. Yep.

(Did I mention that kids get a whole lot more expensive as they get older? Well, they do that too.)

It's true that eventually you will be able to walk out the door by yourself and leave the kids home to make their own dinner and entertain themselves for the evening.

It's true that eventually you will be able to sleep in without all hell breaking loose around the house.

It's true that it won't always be like it is when they are little.

Eventually, it will get harder.

(*I guess I will have to admit that even though the stakes are much, much higher with my teens and pre-teens, I still enjoy them. In some ways the baby days *were* indeed harder. Physically it was harder for sure. But some days when I am navigating the Big Issues of life with my older kids, I think that making a little sandwich, taking a little nap, and playing with the train set would be a whole lot easier than what's going on in real time. It's all good, but it ain't easy. But then, nothing worth having ever is.)

Q&A

Today I had this question in my inbox about the post about teens. I thought I would share my answer here:

Hello Erica,

You said: "he is very loving with us and the other children..."

I was wondering if you had any wisdom or tips related to this statement. Our oldest is 13b, and while he is loving at times, he is almost downright mean at others. I don't know what I might do differently to cause (all of them, actually) to be more loving toward each other.

Thanks for any tips you can offer.

Emily

Hi Emily,
First of all I would say that when he was 13 he was *not* loving toward the other children. He had quite a few years (probably from about 12-15) that we refer to as his "sullen years." He was grouchy, wanted everybody to stay out of his stuff, and kept to himself a lot. I now have a 14 year old daughter kind of in that mode, and a 12 year old son who seems to be headed toward it. So, I just want to let you know that, since it would be easy for some people to assume that my kids are all so loving and always have been. :) We have some junky attitudes here from time to time, for sure.

I'm not really sure what I can attribute his loving attitude toward, but I will give some guesses. We have tried to maintain our love and affection for him consistently, even when he has not been all that friendly. I have never lost track of the fact that he is still the same boy that we loved so deeply when he was a baby and all through growing up. We are crazy about our kids! :) We are very accepting of him and transparent with him. I think that since we are respectful of his growing independence and that we are supportive and excited for him (rather than nervous, suspicious, or trying to hold him back) he is a very comfortable person who has no "gripes" against anybody, us included. In the areas where there are differences in beliefs or whatever, we are very loving while also open (in times when it gets discussed) about the reasons we have decided to live or believe as we do, but we do nothing to get him defensive or cause any walls to be built up between us. Basically, there is nothing for him to fight against. Not that we let him have everything he wants or that there are no boundaries, just that we have an ability to be both friendly, open, honest, and firm when needed that seems to stir up together to make good things happen :)

As far as it goes with his siblings, from the sullen years the youngest kids were actually kind of scared of him and there was a real separation there. In recent years when he has been happier I have encouraged him at times to remember how much it means to be a young kid and have an older kid take an interest in them, etc. He tries to be pretty encouraging to them, tell them that he thinks their latest Lego creation is really cool, etc. :) I encourage the younger kids to go show him stuff that I know he will be able to appreciate. I guess I just do a little bit of stirring the pot to encourage everybody toward each other.

Also, around the sullen years beginning we had a lot of chaos in our home with 3 little ones born in less than 3 years, and many things were out of control. Things are a lot better now and I think that it is more enjoyable for all of us, including the older kids. We do a lot of outings together, go fun places, etc. and our oldest is still happy to go along and is content to hang out with us during those times. (He is also very social and spends a lot of time out and about with his friends, taking classes, working, etc. so it is a good balance for him although we often miss him some since he is spending more and more time away from home, which is normal but still an adjustment for all of us.)

We have gone through some hard things together and he has seen that we will stick together and do whatever needs to be done to help one another, and I think that has been a powerful glue in our relationship as well.

Overall, we're a very open, affectionate, accepting family, and I think that our kids are generally like that, according to their personalities, of course. They say more is caught than taught, so I hope that is true with our other children. I do have many days when I am amazed at the mean words, selfishness, and anger that will come out between them since I feel like they have a lot of consistent examples of generosity, forgiveness, happy attitudes, etc. It can be discouraging and I do feel concerned about it sometimes. I keep plugging away and hope that our children will turn out to be a credit to God and all of us as they grow, but sometimes I think it is more in spite of us than because of us if they do. :)

I hope this helps!
~Erica

How to treat older teens

Recently on one of my egroups a woman wrote in asking for advice on how to treat her 17 year old son. She was unsure how much to direct him about how he was eating, how much time he spent on the computer, his "standards" which she considered to be "lower" than hers, etc. This is part of what I wrote in response:


I have a son that is turning 18 next month. He is our oldest, so this is my first go-around with an older teen, however I can tell you that it is a fun time in our lives and we are doing great.
For us, we believe that we are raising these people to become adults. As they get older, an increasing amount of responsibility and personal choices need to become their job, until eventually they are taking full responsibility for their decisions and life choices which seems to me should be somewhere between 18-20 or so.

A wonderful resources that I highly recommend to all parents every chance I get is a DVD and book series called Parental Guidance Required. You can check it out and buy it here. This site also has $1 downloads of the MP3 sessions of this class. We did this study with some friends from church quite a few years ago. It is an excellent resource for talking about key elements of setting your relationship with you middle year children up for an ongoing good relationship as the children grow into older teens and young adults. It talks about the importance of "dialing in" and "dialing out" the right or wrong kind of people in your child's life, the importance of other trusted adults to be a part of your child's life who will be a friend to your child who will also continue to point them in the right direction, and the importance of the quality of your relationship with your child for the long haul when we have no more control but we can still have the ever-crucial opportunity to influence our child--which is something they will either willingly let us do or they won't. (it's not something you can require) Anyhow, wonderful information and encouragement for all parents. Please get it!

Certainly a child's maturity level, choices they have made, etc. should have a bearing on what parents choose to still try to work on with the child and what they back off about. I know that some parents seem to fear that if their child ever does anything that they do not want them to do (music choices, hair or clothing styles, etc.) that all is lost and the kid is ruined. For us, we believe that it is normal for each person to have to figure out for himself what they believe and how they will live. In our family, these are not deal breakers and I am not going to allow these things to damage my relationship with my child. I am passionate about my children and I will continue to be, regardless of the stages they go through. I always strive to try to be open, to listen, and to understand where my 17 year old son is coming from. We have had talks sometimes when he shares a music choice with me, and sometimes I have listened and said to him, "This sounds so negative to me. Tell me what you like about it. I don't understand." Since I am coming at this with real love and an open attitude where I really do want to hear what he has to say, and I'm not just trying to turn it into a chance to tell him to listen to something else, it is a fruitful conversation, and he is willing to let me have some influence on his thinking. Does this mean that he changes everything to what I think? Nope! And that's ok. He has to stand on his own and will continue to. I should not be micromanaging him and will not even try.

As far as things like junk food, you know, if you do not have these things in the house they will not get them from you, and then you save yourself the trouble of feeling that you have to police it. :) I have tried to set up our home over the years to be what I call an all-you-can- eat-buffet of good things both for food, as well as educationally, etc. What I mean by this is that basically there are no bad choices. Food-wise, there is no (or very little) junk food, but we have plenty of good fruits and veggies and whole grain breads, etc. to choose from. Now, my son does eat some junk when he's gone from the house, and that's his business. (esp. since he pays for it himself) Largely, over time, he has come to realize that he does not like to eat junk food and that he does not feel well after eating or drinking certain things, so now he chooses to eat pretty healthfully on his own and even influences his friends to eat healthier. This is exactly the thing I had hoped for--he has made his choice, seen the evidence in his own life--and does not need me to tell him what to eat when he's on his own. As far as things to do at our house, we have no TV but we have books, games, a pool, a very fun back yard with lots of things to do, Legos, computers with good filters set on them to make them safe to use, pets to play with, art and craft supplies, music, musical instruments, dress up stuff, etc. I guess the one "junk food" thing we have is a game system, which they are only allowed to use on Saturdays. (and most of the time they forget about it) So, even in their spare time my kids only have choices that are good ones. I don't have to spend my time fretting about what they are doing, so I set up the environment to be as good for them and easy for me as possible. That translates over to the teens as well.

I used to have a friend who complained about how her teens were spending all of their time "plugged in" to electronics and she did not know what to do about it. She was struggling to try to set up schedules and enforce them to try to make the kids do other things. Well, you know what? She and her husband had created an environment at their house where being plugged in was the only stuff for their teens to do. Although she had started out with no TV, lots of books and puzzles, etc. when he kids were little, by the time the kids were older they had one computer per person (or something very close to it), all the kids had cell phones with unlimited texting, they had satellite tv, they all had ipods that they used and further isolated them from the rest of the world, game systems with no limits, there was nothing to do in their yard, some of the kids had no interesting outside-of-the- home activities or friends, etc. Basically, they had created a situation where computer/music/tv/gaming was the only stuff to do at their house, and they were not willing to change any of that. So, you know, the kids are going to respond to the environment you create and nurture.

I do think that it is harder to pull back from stuff than to just set things up the way you want them from the get-go, but it is possible to make changes if you are strong and wise.

Getting back to some other thoughts I have about older teens: Respect is important. There are many ways to choose to live, many ways to apply Biblical concepts, and many things that are not issues that should be allowed to damage a relationship. Realizing that our children are growing up to be people who will (and should) make their own choices is worth your respect. I can tell you as a person with people in my life that do not respect other people's choices that are different from their own, it damages relationships when you do not have respect from others. And even if you don't say it, people can feel it. Fer shur. So, to me, starting at 14, 15, 16, 17 to back off of peripheral issues and respect that your child is learning to make choices is the right way to go. Save your panic button moments for stuff that really, really matters a lot. :) If you panic too often they just think you're getting crazy and you can lose your ability to influence.

In the end as our children become adults, aside from what they have accepted from what we have already taught them, influence is the only hope we have of being able to help our children. (aside from prayer, of course) They will either welcome our influence or resist it. I know which side I want to be on, so I use a fair amount of strategy into my parenting to try to position myself to where I want to be.

Obviously, this is all still a work in progress. I can tell you, though, that we have a very enjoyable relationship with our 17 year old, that our son is doing great at making decisions and learning from the choices he makes, he is very loving with us and the other children, and we continue to look forward to what is to come with him and our other kids. I believe very strongly that the investments we make in tying heartstrings and building trust and happy relationships with our kids from the time they are born has a great bearing on how things go later on in their lives.

Control is not the goal

Happily, Saturday brought a peaceful resolution to the schooling decisions for our oldest child's upcoming school year. It was important to me that my husband, son, and I, could all find a way to be unified in the choices being made. I was very happy to see that happen quite easily.

Today I got my Brave Writer newsletter and in it she had written about not needing to have "control" over family members, and I identified strongly with what she had to say, since I've been living it out for quite some time now.

Although it may take more work or be less convenient than families that run their homes like boot camp or with "benevolent dictatorships," I'm quite happy to continue to maintain a family where each person is respected, and their opinions about their own life get the appropriate weight. Family is forever, after all. Keeping the big picture in mind helps me stay focused on the right stuff.

I've been rocking at Ichthus!

I've looked forward to taking my kids to Ichthus for years, and I finally got to do it! I went with our youth group (and my 2 teens) Thursday and Friday as a chaperone for the girls. I always love a good opportunity to boogie and re-live my teenagerhood, so this was right up my alley. Some of the highlights:

My daughter and I enjoyed an indie group called The Great Transparency. Lots of fun, full of personality, and good music.

Thursday night we saw Hawk Nelson and Family Force 5. Both were lots of fun.

Hawk Nelson: Fun Young Canuks!

Here's some FF5 fun for you: UGLY PEOPLE, PUT YOUR HANDS DOWN (mine were up! up! up!)



We saw a very interesting group, The Psalters, do a drum circle. This group is like a combination of Rastafarian-gypsy-hobo-somethingorother. They play a lot of different types of ethnic styles of praise music. Very cool, different, interesting, and I enjoyed them. You can listen to some of their tunes here.

Kutless gave a great performance. Really enjoyed it! I also saw Delirious and Skillet, both of which I didn't love that much, so went on to some other stuff.

Had a blast with a friend doing our rapper hand stuff to GRITS (and after that you just have to talk to each other like, "Where you be at?" and stuff like that....). Plenty of group dancing too. (to the left! to the left!.....to the right! to the right!.....move it back now......)

My husband and I saw Israel Houghton and the New Breed last night and that was really fun worship music. While we were waiting for them to set up the stage we got to do the Cha Cha Slide with the crowd too. :) I love to Cha Cha....


I enjoyed Alabaster Box, whom I had never heard of before. I really enjoyed it that they had great music with a clear, encouraging spiritual message. Lots of energy, too!

On our way out of the grounds my husband and I saw (and heard) the throbbing music from the techno stage, and it drew us right in. We had a lot of fun dancing, and --oh! how I love teenagers! They have so much ENERGY (still jumping and dancing after midnight after 3 whole days of the same), and I love seeing the trust they give (and keep) when they crowd surf and just cut loose with dancing. I see so many wonderful, good, encouraging things in the teens I get to be around. They make me believe that good things are in store for the world. :)

Keep It Real Campaign

This year my son and his friends entered the video commercial contest for the Keep It Real Campaign, which works to discourage underage drinking. Last night we had the fun experience of attending the Kentucky version of the Oscars, where the video my son and his friends made received the top honor of Best Picture! Here's the video:


My son created and played the music for the background, and helped with the ideas and production. His friend Parker Young is a really talented young filmmaker who has walked away with the Best Picture award at Keep It Real for three years in a row now. We have been so pleased to have our son get to learn about filmmaking, as well as be a part of a positive thing like the Keep It Real campaign.

From a Proud Mom,
~DollyMama

Music To My Ears

Either because of or in spite of the fact that I spent my teenage years dating and being boy crazy, I have always discouraged my kids from this. I'm not interested in jumping on the courtship-betrothal bandwagon with all it's various weirdness, nor am I going to pretend that I can control whether or not my children have extra special warm-and-fuzzy feelings for other people. My approach has been simply to explain my position again and again, let them make their own decisions, and let life teach them whether what I say has merit or not.

My oldest is 16 and he's had a few girlfriends so far. Several months ago there was a big break up with his longtime girlfriend, and it was a split that was many months in the making. The situation was especially tough on the girl and it has been a source of concern for our family to know that she is hurting so badly. Since the breakup I've had several little conversations with my son, reiterating that it seems a terrible waste of a good friendship to sacrifice it for a "girlfriend." In the end these kids just get hurt feelings, broken hearts, and a relationship that's usually too strained or broken down to be able to continue.

In a world where good friends are hard to find, it makes no sense to me to toss out good, healthy relationships for these ridiculous, contrived boyfriend-girlfriend situations.

My second child is 12 and at her age the thing we have run into is that the boys and girls that are friends don't feel like it is ok to talk on the phone if they aren't "going out." So, she's had a couple "boyfriends" who were nothing more than friends she could talk to on the phone. Since she doesn't go to school with these kids any more, phone calling is the only social link she's got. So, a pretty important thing in her life.

The recent boyfriend has proven to not be a real positive thing for her. My daughter had come to me several times to talk about it and ask my opinion. My honest advice was to break it off, just be friends, and stop with all of this boyfriend nonsense. (I say it a whole lot more diplomatically to her)

In the car the other day she and I were talking about this again and my 16 year old piped in to tell her, "Honestly, I've been following Mom's advice for quite awhile now, and it's really a good thing."

High praise!! What a thrill!! Definitely blog-worthy!

That night about an hour after tucking my daughter into bed she came out to give me another hug and tell me she loves me. This is not a common event for her. I wondered if she had appreciated what I had told her. (This is a child who will typically fight me on issues that she doesn't want to deal with or hear about, but later on is able to tell me that she is glad I stuck to my guns and kept doing what I felt needed to be done. A wonderful thing for me to know, since I regularly hear her complaints about oh-so-many of the things I am doing "for her own good.")

The next day she broke up with the boyfriend in the kind way I recommended, and so far things seem to be going well.

Tonite she and I were folding laundry together and talking and she shared some of the breakup details with me. Then she said that once she had a chance to let my words sink into her head, she realized that it made perfect sense.

!! Gotta love moments like that!

I don't have any delusions that my two oldest kids are going to forego boyfriends/girlfriends until they are ready to look for a spouse (though I would recommend that!) but it was good to know that they are hearing me, that what I'm saying is helping them and making sense to them on some level, at this time.

Another Rock Star Momma moment for me. I'll take 'em wherever I can get 'em.

A Fun Video

Several weeks ago when we were experiencing high winds from the hurricane in Texas my oldest son decided to try out what he called Land Surfing. Not sure if that's the best name for it, but I enjoyed recording this evidence that he's very much the same kid that he was when he was 8. :)

It's That Time of Year Again...My Kids Just Keep Getting Older

My oldest...he's 16 today! Wow. You can read his birth story over at The Baby Boutique Blog.
You can read about his 15th birthday here, his 14th birthday here, and the quite amusing and interesting saga surrounding his 13th birthday in Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, and finally, Part 7.
(**Oh my goodness. I haven't looked at my archives for a really long time. I have seriously amused myself with reading my own writing tonite! I think I am my biggest fan....)

Back to the issue at hand: I now have a 16 year old.

I don't fear the driving. He's going to do great. I am looking forward to all of the fun of teaching him how to drive.

What I want to say to you is what everybody says: They grow up so quickly.

For me, what I didn't realize about that is how early they start to grow up and away. It's long before they turn 18. Long before 16, too. I thought I would have a lot more time, but I've had much less of it than I expected to.

Children *should* be growing up and out and onto their own lives. I don't regret that. It just really does go quickly. And when I see my child turning into an ultra-cool person, I don't want him to go up, up, and away too fast. You know?

Another Jewel in My Crown

I've shared with you about my Rock Star Mom status in the past. Today I got another jewel in my crown. Behold:

My oldest started 10th grade today. He came home with a pile of papers for me to sign. His instructions were something like, "Just sign these and don't even bother looking at them because they are stupid and don't mean anything."

So of course I took the pile of papers so that I could read every one.

Carefully.

In his Algebra 2 class the teacher had a survey for the kids to fill out. Smart woman, methinks. She asked questions that would help her know more about the kids and their personalities.

One of the items was: The person who has had the most influence on my life is ________

My kid's answer? My Mom

Woo Yeah! I love that. :)

Of course, this is the same child who also gave the following answers:

The best move I've seen recently is: Brokeback Mountain

My favorite movie of all time is: My Little Pony Island Adventure 2

My favorite TV show is: Sex and the City

Are there any medical conditions/allergies that I need to be aware of in the classroom? Tourettes

Isn't he a gem? Don't you wish you could get a kid like this of your very own?!

Since my son is oh-so-very witty, I have given him a dose of his own medicine. Not only did I sign the bottom of this survey, but also included a little note for his teacher:

I would like to assure you that my son has never watched Sex and the City OR Brokeback Mountain. But My Little Pony Island Adventure 2 is definitely one of his favorites of all time. In fact, we will probably show it at his 16th birthday party, which is coming up soon! If my son's music career doesn't work out, he can always be a professional comedian. Wouldn't you agree?

Have a great year.

P.S. He doesn't have Tourettes.

Conundrum

I've had a conflict with my oldest child tonite. He had done wrong to someone and I told him that he needed to apologize for it. He felt justified in his wrongdoing and does not want to apologize. "It would be lying to say I'm sorry." I suggested that he could honestly say, "I want to apologize for my behavior. It was wrong, and I will not do that again."

On and on the conversation went. I calmly expressed to him multiple times that feeling justified does not make our wrongdoings less wrong. He is a fine young man and I am not going to just let things like this slide by. I believe that by requiring him to make an apology it will make an impression on him, and hopefully in time he will appreciate something meaningful from the experience.

He was quick to tell me that by requiring him to apologize for this thing he has done, he would avoid telling me stuff in the future. I realize that he can certainly do that. Of course, I do not want to do anything to get him to talk to me less. But, I'm not going to let his threat intimidate me out of doing what I can to help him do right and be a good man.

At this age, nearly 16, I realize that the bulk of my ability to teach and guide him is done. I cannot control his thoughts or beliefs, nor would I truly want to. But there is something quite difficult on days like today when you see your child resisting doing right. Although you can require right behavior, you do not have the ability to make their heart or mind embrace it. These days are just a huge faith walk--I hope I've done enough. I hope he has a good enough foundation. I hope that his spirit is tender enough to be open to the humility required to be teachable and make changes.

The wild love I have for my children seems both amazing, and completely inadequate.

Adventures With Teenagers

OK, first the back story:

My husband and I got cell phones awhile back, after doing without them for a few years. (yes! it's true! You can truly survive without cell phones in the 21st century. Who knew?!) Then after several months of the two of us having phones, my husband decided to take advantage of a free phone offer if we added another one to our account. We gave this one to our 15 year old son to use. It has come in very handy so that we can know when to pick him up from school activities, find him when we are in a large, crowded place, or if I'm just too lazy to walk down the stairs to tell him to do his chores. Most, if not all, of his friends, are on this same cell phone plan, so they can all talk to each other without it using up any of our minutes. Plus we have minute rollover, and we never use all the ones we have. So, so far, so good.

About a week ago he comes to me, delighted!, because he has discovered that he can do text messaging on his phone. I told him that I know he can text message, but we do not have that service on our plan, so he should not send text messages or they will cost us lots of money. (I know it probably wouldn't cost very much to add text to our service, but really, honestly, we just don't care about texting. I have no interest in it and don't need it.)

He had sent the first text message and then checked our account balance through his phone (which, I believe, requires the company to send him a text message, which we would then be paying for). For several days he would check (after texting), and find that no additional charges had been placed on our account. So he's been texting. Quite a bit. And today was his day of reckoning. Because he found that SURPRISE!!!! there were now some charges for the texting. As in, like over $100 worth.

Ha! Aren't teenagers fun?!

Like the good kid that he is, he came to me to tell me what had happened. He apologized and told me he would work for us to pay off his debt. Ironically, I had just trained him on how to do some business work for me and he had already been doing that, so he was well on his way to making his first $10. (it is now up to $20, I think, so he's actually doing pretty well)

So now I have an indentured servant! My businesses are getting busier all the time and I have been badly in need of an assistant, so now at least I've got him doing quite a few tasks that will be a help. Plus, I'm having him clean obscure areas of the house that really needed attention, but simply won't ever be likely to reach my top 10 list of things to try to get done in a day.

Honestly, he's a good kid, and I know he'll learn from this. If a $100 mistake is the worst thing he does, I'll consider myself very relieved.