Long Time No See

So I've been quiet here lately. It's been part illness and part life funk that has kept me away. Although in some ways my blog can serve as a diary, when there's an audience there is some pressure to not bore one's readers.

I figured out that I've spent at least 2 full months of 2005 being sick. That makes me feel weak and like I'm falling apart. Couple that with my recent more-than-a-week-long illness, the fact that my ankle is still not right, and more feelings of being run-down.....well, it's not a pretty picture.

Everything feels like I'm falling behind, and like I can't catch up. There is an overriding feeling of failure in my mind. Part of what I dislike about homeschooling is how it never ceases to make me feel like I haven't done well enough yet. I find myself looking forward to the next school year, and wondering if I will feel like less of a failure without home education nagging at me.

The one bright spot recently was part of my sermon at church on Sunday. My pastor talked about several examples of people in the Bible (Moses, Abraham, David) that were called by God to do big things, but then went through very long periods of time when they were in the desert, or in danger, or suffering in some way, while they were being prepared for what God had for them to do.

I can strongly identify with the idea of being in a "desert phase" in my life, and although I have had a small glimmer of realization that God is at work even in the midst of that, it was very encouraging to hear it from someone else. I think that there can be a lot of pressure from within (or without) oneself to find a way to "snap out of it" when you're in a funk. It may be ok to have a little funk once in awhile, but not to be in one for an extended period of time. If it was so easy to snap out of, I would have exited a long time ago.

I do have a sense that a lot of me is "under construction" or something, and so I am trying to be humble and wait and do what I can while I feel confused and often useless. Knowing that being in the desert doesn't make me worthless to God is a good thing to hold on to.