Quiver Full, anyone?

So Chris and her husband over at the Big Yellow House are calling it quits at 7 kids. This reminded me of a recent few blog entries I have read here and there about whether or not the "Quiver Full" point of view is right or wrong. For those of you uninitiated, QF mindset is basically that children are a blessing, that God has childbearing directly under His control, and that using no birth control at all is best because it leaves you open to having the children God wants you to have.

In the past we adopted this point of view...partially. We did not think that it was a concept to be taken to an extreme (such as when someone has an obvious health issue or something that would make more children a great health risk. We knew too many people with too many legitimate reasons to take breaks or stop having kids to think that they were in any way doing something wrong.) but that it is certainly worth remembering what God thinks about children, and to examine our attitude about having them. So often in our society the attitude is that I want X number of children and that is what I shall have. This is what fits into someone's dream family or their car or how many kids they think is right or something. For people that want to glorify God in all they do, shouldn't there also be the consideration and investment of time and prayer about what does God have for us?

So, anyhoo, one spot in the blogosphere recently asked "So if you aren't QF minded, why is that? What possible reason do you have to not have children? Why do you use birth control? Where do you think the QFers have it wrong?"

Unfortunately, it seems that from the extreme QF standpoint there are only two options:

You trust God and want His will for your life, so you will never use birth control.
or
You use birth control because you do not trust God and do not want His will for your life.

A-hem.

See...here is where we never could appreciate the entire QF package. Because, as you may or may not know, there are more possible answers to the QF question than A or B. May I present option C? (some of the rest of you may want to offer options D, E, or F) Here is what I wrote:

We used to generally go along with the QF mindset, and for many years (and 5 children in 7 years) we used no birth control (other than ecological breastfeeding and some haphazard fertility awareness that I now realize failed at least partially because I believe I sometimes ovulate more than once a month). We were up for having lots of kids and things were going fine, so we just didn't worry about it. (We have 6 children total.) It was fine and we were satisfied with our approach (or lack thereof) and so life went on and the family grew.

Our descent from QF-dom happened from a high-risk, dangerous 4th pregnancy and premature baby, to another baby born a little more than a year later, to another one born 20 months later with an "exciting" life-threatening placental abruption at birth. My body was wiped out. My hormones had not been given any chance to recover from all of the pregnancies and post partums, and I was clinically depressed. Our older children were not getting a good home education because their mother was totally wiped out in every possible way. The babies were in front of Blue's Clues videos every day while their mom struggled to homeschool. Little ones' needs were falling through the cracks because I was barely hanging on. Also, our life was constantly overwhelmed by the "baby avalanche" and it was burdensome for the older children, plus they always had to sacrifice their interests in life in favor of us having to stay home because I could not take 3 babies out anywhere.

We felt that to continue to just "be open" to pregnancies as we had been was putting my health at great risk, and not valuing the children we already had. My husband was not willing to have our ship go down all to continue to procreate until menopause, and ignore everything else that he knew we were supposed to be doing.

What we found in the long run was that the QF thing is out of balance. My husband felt that we had to balance our appreciation of our children as gifts from God (Psalm 127:3) , our need to bring up our children in the nurture and admonition of God (Ephesians 6:4), and my husband's charge to take good care of me (aka loving me like Christ loves the church- Ephesians 5:25). (all things that the Bible is even more clear on than whether or not it is ok to prevent pregnancy at times) Some people can do all of these things and have way more children than we have. Some people can do all of these things but for fewer children than we have. The number isn't the issue. The balance is.

We were not willing to say definitely no more children, but we did agree to use a non-abortifacient, very effective form of family planning in order to assure that we gave ourselves 5 years from the birth of the youngest child to regroup, recover, and reorganize. If at that point or beyond we feel that God is asking us to have more children, I am sure we will. (frankly, if we felt called to that now, we'd get on board as well) We've also considered adoption and foster care, but don't feel we're in a position to pursue either of those right now, but there's no telling what the future might bring.

The baby is 2.5 now and we are doing much better. I am slowly working my way back to health, my children get a mother that can actually take them places and play games with them. I am no longer depressed! My husband and I have time for dates and to be in-love and enjoy each other in ways that we were unable to when we were underneath a pile of sweet-but-needy babies.

Babies are wonderful and children are a blessing, but I do not think it is a blessing to myself, my husband, or the children and babies to continue to have more and more of them if it is clear that I am not able to do even the basics, let alone a really good job.

We have been fruitful and have multiplied, we continue to wrestle with this issue and try to be sure we have open hearts to the Lord and what He wants for us, and we are trying to be faithful parents and a solid couple. I think where QF fails is in what the Bible calls "counting the cost." (Luke 14:28) So many people blindly go along having babies and using no birth control, but do not have the balance of financial stability, health stability, skills, or whatever. The road to raising children is quite long, and it is easier than one might expect to get burnt out along the way by overdoing it early on in the race. Yes, God does help us, but He also expects us to count the cost before we start building big families, and to prepare in smart ways.

I'm glad I have the kids I have. They are awesome, and having 6 children is my one great luxury in life that moth and dust cannot destroy. Now that I have survived it, I am even glad that some came in rapid succession--it is really neat to have them be so close and to have instant buddies to play with all the time.

Children are SUCH a blessing--it truly humbles me to think about it for more than a passing moment. My husband and I want to do the best we can with the gifts we have been given, and this is how we see it from here.

**Since I just commented in two discussions on this subject and linked to this post, I thought I would give an update on my feelings on this subject now that it is March 2008. My "baby" is about to turn five in a few days. Though my husband and I do still loooove babies (I got to hold a newborn at church on Sunday--so sweet!), we feel like we made a good call on putting things on hold. As our children have gotten older, we have seen how many more needs they have. When they are all little it is easy to think that their needs will always be so simple. Not true! They need more, their issues are more complex, and older children (mine, at least) don't seem to do well with being ignored, sidelined, or used as free labor to help cope with the needs of younger siblings. My oldest child is 15 now and we are seeing how short the time is.

Counting the cost is an important issue that gets largely ignored in this issue. You can't always take on some huge project without some plans, some supplies, a strategy, some know-how, and expect to be successful. God is apparently ok with this and encourages us to do what we can to prepare. I hope to do some new books and a podcast to help encourage moms in this area. I feel that if I had better training and strategies earlier, that we might not have found ourselves in the tight spot that we were in.