Ssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

Guess what I'm going to do tonite?

Sleep in my own bed.

ALONE!

Hubby is at work, and all kids are tucked into their own beds. If my Sleep In Your Own Bed For Crying Out Loud plan pays off, maybe all of them will stay where they are til morning. I seriously Do Not Know if I can successfully sleep in my bed alone, but I am going to give it a try.

Oh, and, yeah, thanks for asking. The New Job is going just great. I am less tired today, which is a help. My laundry is caught up, my meals are organized, the house is picked up (mostly) and stuff is getting done. I like my new plan, like feeling that I did a good job and actually have something to show for it at the end of the day. I like having some parameters set for my own stuff without letting those get totally overboard. I like glancing at the clock and then my little schedule to see what's next and getting it done. I like having time to do Flylady chores. And what I like even better than that is when my house already is beyond needing the chore she assigns!

I know it's completely dull, but this is a big part of the life of a stay at home woman. Clean. Organize. Tend. Plan. Balance.

I was thinking about my little crying session with my red pencil from grade school and wondering what all was behind the tears. One thing I thought of was just seeing my original last name. I wondered if, for me, or maybe even for all people who change their last name when they get married, if there is a loss there that is at least a little bit painful. To give up Your Name. To give up the way people have identified you for your whole life up until that point, and to take on the name of a person that did not exist before. In some ways I guess this is a nice thing, or even a beautiful symbolic thing about marriage. I have never taken issue with the whole whether-or-not to take your husband's name thing, but also never really understood the "I don't want to lose my identity" thing. I wonder if maybe I understand a little better now.

For me, I got married when I was 20. Basically, I was never an adult before I got married. So, getting married (and changing my name) created a line in my life between childhood and adulthood. I never really got to ease into adulthood or be truly independent like I thought I would. It was just one day I lived with my parents (or in my college dorm) and slept in the same twin bed I had had since childhood, and another day I was married and moved 12 hours away and my life was completely different. I was away from family, friends, everything I ever knew, all the places I knew how to get to, all the memorable spots of my growing up years.

In some ways the moving away was good. We got the space and pressure we needed to have to stick together and figure out how to be our own family unit without interference. It was also good in that I was just removed from any ties that might have made it hard to move on. It was just completely new territory, and no map to follow. Whether good or bad, it definitely forces you to work!

So, anyhow, back to my pencil.... (because it's All About the Pencil, can't you SEE??) maybe it was just the surprise of seeing my old name and mourning the loss of that old friend. Interestingly, when I was IMing my mom earlier today I asked her if she read my geeky confession of crying over my red pencil, and she said yes and that even *she* cried. (she also said she didn't know why) I mentioned the name theory to her and she said that every now and then when she is writing her name she will write her original last name, which she hasn't gone by in 36 years or something. So maybe this is a common phenom. Or maybe it's hereditary. ;) I don't know. But, by crackie, I'm loving my pencil and have used it all through the day. A little piece of my past to acknowledge through the usual routine of my life.

But, enough about the pencil. I'm seriously going to lose readers if I keep up with this theme.

(hey! there's an idea. If the knitters can blog, maybe I can create a blog all about the pencil. Imagine it! Pencil memories. Best pencil ever. What I wrote with my pencil today. Hey---maybe I could have my pencil go on adventures with me and write to the blogosphere from the perspective of my little red pencil. I mean, heck! This pencil has been with me for probably 25 years..it's been around! It's seen a lot. You think of flies on the wall, but a pencil....that's....something!)

Alright. I'm stopping. Honest. It's all this working around the house that's got my brain in a tailspin. Well, that plus PMS plus having my husband gone basically all week long.

Other than that, I am issuing myself a challenge to not visit any of the blogs I dislike for the next 24 hours. I have found some that really rub me the wrong way and all they make me want to do is argue and point out how completely narrow-minded, illogical, cliched, and pitiful they are. And then there are a few that are just so boring that I could almost cry. (probably like most of you suffering through this post feel right now) I need to refrain from going to blogs that I go to just to scoff at. Although, you know, when one is in a scoffing mood, it is better to go scoff at a lame blog than to scoff at a real-life lame person. I may start a favorites folder specifically for "blogs I love to hate." Then when I'm in a MOOD I will know just where to go and privately pooh-pooh.

I'm not perfect, but I do appreciate that the internet allows me some more socially acceptable ways to deal with my flaws.

Goodnight!