Looks like I'm not the only one having some parenting struggles....

An article at MSN:
The Power of No
It's an unanticipated legacy of the affluent '90s: parents who can't, or won't, set limits. Now a growing number of psychologists are warning of the dangers of overindulgence and teaching how—and where—to draw the line
http://msnbc.msn.com/id/5909207/site/newsweek/?GT1=5100

Funny thing is, I'm not even affluent and I'm having some of this trouble (not so much with saying no to buying stuff as it is just saying NO and making tough enough consequences for disobedience), as you learned in my post "No More Mrs. Nice Mom." I wonder if the issue isn't so much affluence as it is the modern idea that we want to be friends with our kids. I am pretty sure that none of my grandparents gave a rip if their kids liked them or wanted to hang out with them. They didn't give big gifts unless it was birthday, Christmas, or graduation from high school. And I'm positive that none of them allowed their kids to get any sort of input into what their rules should be or what the consequences would be for not following the rules. Somewhere along the line it seems that there is a blurring of the lines between parents and children. A shift has taken place.

On the one hand, I wouldn't like the parenting style of the 1960s to come back into vogue, because the descriptions I have heard seem to lacking in respect for the personhood of a child, and seem to foster the parents not having much of a clue about who their child really is.

On the other hand, it seems like parents today are spineless, and the kids know it. I think it's part guilt (the buy-them-so-much-stuff-that-they-won't-notice-we're-not-paying-any-real-attention-to-them type), part not wanting our kids to feel "different" from other kids (Keeping up with the Joneses), part because so often nowadays having kids is more of a fashion accessory for the parents than anything else, and part having some need for our kids to like us.

I have an 18 year old cousin who is a sad example of the spoiled kid that comes from this kind of parenting. She lived with us for most of a year back when she was 14, so we got to see up close and personal the kinds of things she felt she was due. Both of her parents had always worked full time, which I assume was because they felt they had to financially. Yet this child had more toys, books, games, and stuff in her life as a little kid than seemed sane. I remember when she was cleaning out all of that stuff and she offered it to my little girl. I could not believe how many dolls and toys she had. It looked to me like she had gotten one of everything at the toy store during her lifetime.

As a teenager she thought nothing of expecting the $50 daisy duke shorts and $50 teeny t-shirts from Abercrombie. It had never occurred to her that this might just be too much money to spend on those things, and it definitely wouldn't do to wear something that was the same style but without the same brand tag. She had more shoes than I have owned in 13 years combined, and she had sneakers that once you could tell they had been worn (as in, they did not look store-shelf-white anymore) she would refuse to wear them, yet she would also not give them away to Goodwill or anything like that. But she had to have NEW SNEAKERS...couldn't be seen in those ones that had touched the earth!

When she was 14 what she thought was reasonable was that her father set her up with a bedroom that had a futon couch, coffee table, large TV, VCR, stereo system, cool lamps and accessories, her own phone line (not just phone, but her own phone number), a cell phone, big bed (not twin sized), dorm size fridge, a little microwave, and of course permission to do whatever she wanted to do. She actually thought that having her bedroom set up like her own apartment was reasonable at age 14!!!

What a contrast to my life. I never had a bed bigger than a twin size until I got married. My parents wouldn't let me have a phone in my room and wouldn't let me keep the cordless handset in my room over night. I had limits on how long I could talk on the phone. It never would have occurred to me to get treated like an adult when I wasn't...

This same cousin dropped out of high school in the middle of 11th grade with the approval of her mother. She promptly moved into an apartment with her 23 year old boyfriend, got pregnant, and got married. She now has a baby registry filled with Eddie Bauer baby stuff, and seems to have the idea that her baby couldn't possibly be expected to wear or use anything:
-from Walmart
-from a yard sale
-given to her by a friend or relative that had been previously used
-not Eddie Bauer brand

You get the idea. And the saddest thing of all is that her mom and aunts and relatives continue to encourage and support this mentality. They are buying her all the stuff she wants, throwing her baby showers, and generally convincing her that she can and should only live in high style.

My mom's comment was that this cousin of mine would eventually need to realize that she is not the Queen of Somewhere, but that she is an 18 year old high school drop out with a husband with a sketchy work ethic and a baby, and that she may need to lower her standards a bit like most of the rest of us who have babies when we are young and living on a shoestring. The thing is, this is not likely to happen. Her mom will continue to buy designer duds both for the cousin and the baby. This kid will want for nothing. It will be getting the same kind of material goods that my cousin got, except even moreso because now the mom/new Grandma has more money to blow.

My sister and brother each had to put themselves through college without help from my parents. Our parents divorced after I left home and got married, and my father ditched and never paid child support. So, they were on their own to achieve their goals. They worked. They struggled. They waited. They worked some more. They took out student loans. They did what they had to do to take responsibility for their own lives, and they've done an excellent job. My brother graduated from a prestigious (read: expensive) 4 year college, traveled around the world, and is now a talented musician continuing to make his dreams a reality. My sister not only put herself through college but is now finishing up grad school (and in less time than it is supposed to take!). I am very proud of both of them.

But do you know what they have seen all along the way? Fellow students in their 20s with affluent parents who not only foot the bill for school, but also for their apartments, new car payments, car insurance, plus send spending money!!! If their precious little Junior or Princess does actually get a job, it's either a kooshy one that doesn't pay anything but feeds their soul or is a hobby, or it's something they do because Mom and Pop just don't send enough beer money every month...

WHAT KIND OF ADULTS ARE WE RAISING, PEOPLE????? When you've got a 26 year old son with a college degree, WHY ARE YOU STILL PAYING HIS LIVING EXPENSES? What is going on here?? How can this be good for these children, let alone for our society?

My husband is a professional firefighter and every day he sees grown men who have been so coddled and babied by their parents that they have a very hard time with the idea of WORK. Most days he deals with the same kinds of character issues while at work that I am dealing with at home with our children.

My own in-laws are supporting their overeducated idiot son-in-law who refuses to get up off his rear and make a living. He's 33 years old with both a college and graduate degree and part of his PhD (poor guy had to drop out when life got too real--ie:get a job), and all he's willing to do is teach on a college level. So, he's teaching 2 classes as an adjunct professor at some small college, making some whopping sum like $9000 a year, with a diabetic wife and child to support. He's just not willing to do anything else, though, and for some reason, the in-laws are paying through the nose for it, despite their own need to get things settled for their retirement, which is only a couple of years off. What is wrong with this picture???

I think FEAR is a main motivator in these situations. Fear of your kids not liking you. Fear that your child may have less than others. Fear that your child may have to struggle or do without. Fear that they may suffer a little without your help. Well, guess what? You gotta go through some scary stuff in the adult world. If you never do anything for yourself you have nothing to be proud of. None of this coddling is doing anybody any favors in the long run.

Be strong, my fellow parents! Be strong and give your kids the opportunity to work hard, to fall, to fail, to get strong, and stay strong, too. They need it and our society needs it. But it starts with YOU.