The Goddesses of Kitchen Avenue

I have just finished reading this wonderful book by Barbara Samuel. Wow! Rich characters dealing with issues that touched me so deeply......

Some of the themes in this book that I identified with were things like
-being true to who you really are, even if it makes other people uncomfortable, even if it costs you
-being brave. Brave enough to be true to you.
-faith in love and life and oneself

This year I have been on a personal journey, of sorts. After 10 years of being an at-home wife and mom with little money and time, homeschooling, having 6 babies, basically pouring out myself for others all the time and having precious little being poured back into me, I was dry. 2 years ago I hit bottom with depression and it took some serious changes to pull me out. Once I was able to get up out of the depression enough to think straight, I realized that I had to start feeding my soul, even if it meant I had to be as persistent and growly about it as I would be to get one of my children something they desperately needed. My husband loves me very much, but I think it has been quite a challenge for him to deal with a Real Woman. (meaning: a woman who has needs and wants and dreams and is going to go ahead and start taking action to get those things met, rather than just pretend she doesn't have any). Before this point I had been giving-giving-giving all the time, cheerful, optimistic, thrifty, uncomplaining, resolute, determined to make things work. There was no balance. I didn't think I could *afford* the luxury of balance. Of feeding my soul. I was so hard on myself that I would only read books for information (had to make productive use of my time, you know!). I would not allow myself to spend money on extras that weren't really necessary. I rarely had any breaks from my 24/7/365 gig as mommy. My husband and I rarely went out on dates. It costs a lot to hire a babysitter for 5 or 6 kids, and I guess it just didn't seem affordable.

All of this caught up with me in a powerful way, and I realized that I wasn't willing to go on living that way. Yes, there is a lot of work to do when you are the mom of 6 kids. Yes, I want to continue to stay home and love my family and nurture them and make our home a haven. So many of the things I like to do and want to do are directly tied into homemaking and family life. But, also YES I am going to take breaks even if I'm not at the end of my rope. Yes, I'm going to read something just because it's fun. A "lite" book is not going to make me a lazy loser. Now when I catch myself telling me "No" about something I want, I usually force myself to go ahead and have or do that thing, because it's time I got a lot more Yeses in my life. We put the kids into public school. This year 4 of mine are there, with the 5th soon to follow. (4 and 5 are in preschool, so only gone for half the day 4 days a week, but still....) It's giving me a chance to breathe and grow and recover and enjoy the baby and other good stuff like that.

I'm soon going to start a course to become a Certified Natural Health Professional. It's a first step toward something that has interested me for along time. If all goes well with that first step, I would like to go on to becoming a Doctor of Naturopathy and have a natural healing practice. I long for measurable accomplishment. I long for something that proves I know what I'm talking about in some area of my life! I long for new thoughts and challenges that are outside the realm of bad attitudes and potty training dilemmas.

Sometimes my husband seems threatened by my wishes to spread my wings and fly. I think he is afraid that I will fly right away. It's not that he's actually *against* me doing these things. I think it just scares him. Also, I'm sure it isn't easy for him to spend money on my education when we have so many other things that we could put the money toward. (But you know, there will *always* be things "more important to spend money on!) I'm sure it isn't as nice for him when I say, "Sorry! I am going to have a break today. Goodbye! See you in a few hours." and walk out even though the baby is screaming for me. (And if I was never going to leave if someone was unhappy about it, then, uh, I'd be stuck in the house for a loooong time....) The time has come. I have to have more, for ME. To be whole. To be able to *breathe* and think and really love. It hurts me to not feel like I've got a cheerleader behind me, happily releasing me to the fullness of life. But, I'm going to go on and continue to love, and continue to do what I must and what I can to be able to love fully. I think he'll be proud of me in the end. But, you know what? I need to be proud of myself, too. I think I already am.