Monday, February 25, 2008

Time for another battle....

To my longtime readers...

You've been with me through The Potty Wars.

You've been with me through day and night weaning.

You've been with me as I've gotten kids to sleep in their own beds.

Now, the time has come. It is time for my youngest child....

to learn how to wipe his own butt.

I've been wiping butts (and noses, and chins, and faces) for fifteen-and-a-half years now. The youngest kid in our tribe is about to turn five. It's past due. Time to end this once and for all.

I made some attempts to sell him on wiping his own butt by the time her turned four (oh, about 11 months ago), and then when that didn't fly, the deal was that he had to learn to wipe his own butt before school started last August. (you don't want to have to ask your teacher to come wipe your butt, do you? He simply vowed to never, even poop while at school. I suspect that he has been successful with this resolution.)

Well, I'm done. I'm ready for this to be over.

So today while he's perched on the pot, he calls to me to come help him with the aforementioned wiping. I went in and handed him some toilet paper. He objects.

Kid: But I want yooooooooou to do it!

Me: Nope. It's time for you to wipe your own butt. You're almost five, for goodness sake. You can do this yourself.

Kid: (sighs. rolls eyes. knows I am right but doesn't want to admit it.)

Me: (hands him some toilet paper)

Kid: (refuses to take it)

Me: (trying to be jovial) C'mon buddy. What are you? A man, or a mouse?!

Kid: (sensing which answer will lead to which conclusion) A mouse.

Me: (takes one square of toilet paper and folds it neatly until it is about the size of a quarter) Here you go. Use this to wipe your little mouse butt.

Kid: (smiles) I don't have a mouse butt! I have a human butt!

Me: Ok then. Here's a human butt amount of toilet paper. Get crackin'. (pun intended)

Kid: (wipes butt. does just fine. tells me that he's still rather have me do the deed for him. too bad.)

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