Growing Pains and Melancholy Holidays

In the past I've talked about how I'm not going to be one of those empty nesters that lives in the past and bemoans their kids growing up. It's true. I'm not! But every now and then something happens and I realize: this is one of the things I will miss. Recently I realized a thing that I am already missing. When kids get older, you don't get to touch them very much.

When they're little you carry them, hold them, nurse them, help them, dress them, hold their hand, snuggle, snooze, and are generally in close physical contact with your kids. Once they are 14 or 10 or 8, like my three oldest kids, the natural opportunities to touch them are much less.

A couple weeks ago I had this sudden, painful realization that my son (14) is growing up, and I almost never got to touch him. I actually forced him (playfully--he was laughing) to sit with me and let me hold him a little bit. Interestingly, though he pretended to struggle away from me, he seemed to like getting to be near his mom for a few minutes. I think he probably needs that stuff still but is at the stage where it's not cool to get it on your own.

One morning a few days ago my 10 year old daughter gave me a hug in the morning. It was only because she did so that I realized how rarely she reaches out to me in this way. Wow. I loved it. (I asked her "A hug! What's this for?!" Her answer? "I just realized I hadn't hugged you in a long time.")

Since then I've been more purposeful about reaching out to my older kids, making sure there are plenty of hugs. I have shared some little stories from their babyhoods with them, to let them know how greatly loved and adored they are and have been for their whole lives. I guess it's just given me a new appreciation for the time we have with our kids, and a good reminder to make the most of what we've got.

I think that if all my kids were big and not hugging me or sitting near me any more, I would probably be ill from hug deprivation. We need hugs to be healthy and happy! I believe it! My hope is that with the age spread I've got here, that I might be a grandmother and have little grandkids to love on before my youngest kids stop wanting to hug me....

As for the melancholy aspect of this holiday season, I've not yet recovered from my funk after reading Captivating. It was a good book in many ways, but for my current situation the book's message felt like one more "this is how you should be" book. You know, I can't be all deeply relating to people that don't exist or don't want to deeply relate to me! Sometimes it feels like there are just no people available to be real friends with. And that really stinks. I've been greatly tempted to just hibernate, stop going to parties, small group, or anyplace with people that could potentially make me sad. I am only continuing on with these activities because of head knowledge that I have to keep trying, to take chances, even if people let me down. It would be easy to stay home and isolate myself. I like being home! But, it's probably not the best policy for having a meaningful life.

We are planning to spend Christmas with my mom and her husband, my grandmother, and my sister. I am so glad that we are going to get to do this. I have not seen them for 18-24 months (except for one day that I saw my sister while attending my grandfather's funeral). My brother is out of the country so will not be able to be with us, which is a bummer. My grandmother lives with my mom and has Alzheimer's, so I am so glad that we are going to be able to visit with her while she mostly still knows who we are. But it's so sad to know how fast her memory is fading out, and that this might be the last time that she is really the woman I have known for my whole life. Maybe it's selfish to want those that you love to know you. I don't know. All I know is that it feels sad and hard to have your loved ones slip away, whether by death, by distance, or by choice.

I guess I'm just feeling a little hard-hit with loss right now. Despite the fact that I have a lot to be thankful for. I'm feeling stuck in a rut and can't seem to find my way out.