(sniff, sniff....) NOBODY LOVES ME!!!

Alright. I'll admit it. It stings a bit. Would you believe that I didn't make it into the final 10 for the Mommy Blogs category in the Best of Blogs contest? Rats, I say!

So, I went to check out these finalist Mommy blogs to see just how good they were. And do you know what I found out? Most of them are funnier than me on a more consistent basis. So, if funny is what you're looking for, these ladies have got it. Here's a little Meme tour of the finalists that I most liked. Check 'em out, and then don't forget to vote anytime Jan 1-14!

Fighting Inertia is a blog that I discovered some time ago thanks to Blog Explosion. I liked it then, and it seems she's gotten even funnier recently. Actually, it's not so much that she writes stuff funny, it's that she just seems to have funny, embarrassing stuff happen to her a lot. She's got no trouble laughing at herself, and I like that. Her turtle logo is mighty adorable, too. She also gets points from me because she lives in Rochester, NY, where I went to college and met my dear hubby. Here's a recent bit from her blog:

Last night, my husband and I had a party to attend.

I was a little more dressed up than usual -- in other words, I wasn't wearing jeans and a bulky sweater. I was wearing high heeled brown leather boots and moleskin slacks with a cream colored sweater.

My carpets had just been cleaned. So my house is feeling nice and sparkly.

For a moment, I feel great. I look nice. My house is neat and clean (ok, relatively). And I'm going to serve dinner to my boys.

I fill two bowls with steaming white rice. No, we aren't Chinese. Yes, my boys love bowls of white rice. I go to carry it over to them.

And, I step and

WHAM BANG BOOM!I catch my heel on the small step down into the family room and fly head first into the newly cleaned carpet. I try in vain to balance the two bowls of rice as I do this, so instead of putting my hands down to block the fall, I basically just fall face first. Imagine a swan dive. Into the ground. And without any grace.

Rice explodes everywhere. Mostly on the newly cleaned carpet. It is hot warm buttery rice. Granted, it could have been Kool-Aid, but it still wasn't exactly what I was hoping to have all over my carpet within 6 hours of it being cleaned.

If only it were videotaped, I'd most definitely be winning the $10,000 on America's Funniest Home Videos. And even after taxes, that amount would probably cover having the carpet redone. Plus a tidy sum left over to compensate me for pain, suffering, and undo humiliation in front of my children.

Yet another example of the infallibility of Murphy's Law.

Fluid Pudding. What can I say? I think she made me laugh out loud 5 times just reading over her current from page. 5 laughs definitely earns a star! Just a little snippet here:

When we attended MC’s eighteen month Well Baby doctor appointment a few months back, we were asked if she has at least a fifty word vocabulary.
Me: Um, no.
Doctor: How many words does she say?
Me: She says Yes, No, Mama, Daddy, Go, Home, and Hi.
Doctor (with her pen on fire in MC’s chart): HHHhhhhhhhhmmmmmm… Bad parents, dumb kid, Division of Family Services…

Frisbee Flingers is written by a mom of a new baby. She's got a lot of cute stuff here, including this little bit of wisdom:

A few things you don't need when you have a newborn:

1. An alarm clock
2. Decaf Coffee
3. Dressy Clothes
4. If you're the dad, an opinion (contributed by Mr Flinger who was kidding, of course, but frickin' funny)

Inland Empress is written by a mom with one kiddo on the outside (or at least that's all I've noticed from my short visit to her blog. Sorry if I missed someone!!) and one on the inside. She's got some pretty funny stuff to talk about, what with her boobs exploding and all.....

Classified ads for my bod

I'm getting rid of my body. The damn thing's useless -- it's sick again. All it's done this weekend is flop around in bed and feel achy.

I'm hoping someone'll take it off my hands.

If I were a car:
'63 Female: Low mileage, only ridden on weekends. Prone to occasional breakdowns and high tailpipe emissions, but headlights work just fine. Sluggish handling, especially in traffic, but good for short hauls over empty roads. Seats one. Perfect for budding mechanic in need of a challenge.

If I were a house:
Handyman Special: This charming fixer upper just needs some lifting, tucking and maybe a high colonic to become your dream home! Fully 5.5 feet of room, plumbing needs an overhaul. Front features big knockers, plus bonus room in the rear. Subject to 9-month expansion project. Owner motivated to sell! This offer won't last!

If I were a pet:
Free to a good home: Non-spayed female, expecting litter sometime in July. Gentle temperament but will bite when tired or hungry. Good with kids. Doesn't shed or pee on carpet. Needs frequent petting. Won't fetch worth a damn.

Kiwords is a momma who seems to write more like I do. Some long posts with more serious stuff to say, but every now and then a darn funny episode to report. Here's one that I enjoyed:

Do you ever feel like you're just not being heard?

We were driving along on our endless route to…somewhere or another, when Raphael turned to Max and said, “Way to GO, chicken.”

I may have mentioned that it’s NOT my job to understand them.

Anyhow, Max reacted with predictable furor.
“HE CALLED ME A CHICKEN! HE SAID WAY TO GO CHICKEN! MAMA!”

Because you know how searing to one’s self esteem a moniker like that can be.

“Raphi,” I said, “knock it off. Don’t call your brother a chicken.”

“Ok,” he sighed, “ah’m sorry. Max, ah’m sorry ah called yoo a chicken. Ah’m sorry ah said, ‘way to go, chicken.’ Ah’m sorry ah said chicken to yoo.”

Max reacted with predictable furor.
“HE DID IT AGAIN. HE CALLED ME A CHICKEN!”

I was only half listening, as I was trying to puzzle out the lanes under a new layer of snow on the road.
“Raphi, I said don’t call him a chicken,” I muttered back.

Raphael was INFURIATED at being misunderstood.
“AH WAS SAYIN’ SORRY! AH DIDN’T CALL HIM CHICKEN! AH SAID SORRY FOR SAYING CHICKEN!”

“Oh, right. Sorry, baby.”

He was writhing in his car seat, contorted with rage.

“AH SAID SORRY! AH AM SOOOO MAD AT YOOOOOO! AN’ AH AM NOT A BABYYYYYY!”

“Ok, Raphi, settle down. It’s ok.”

“NOO ISSS NOT! AH’M SO MAD AT YOOO!”

“Yeah, you mentioned that.”

“Ah’m DONE WITH THIS.”

And he proceeded to glower out the window for the rest of the car ride.

More Christmas cookies, anyone?

Suburban Bliss, whose subtitle is "Birth Control via the Written Word" is a blog I go to fairly often. But....I can't exactly tell you why. She seems pretty sad and angry. She writes a lot of hilarious-but-negative stuff, with a lot of quite bad language. The only blog I can think of that is more angry, negative, and offensive is dooce, who seems to be loved the blogosphere over. I often ask myself, "Why do I keep going back here?" It's one of those blogs that I go to with one eye covered....but she must be doing something right, because I keep going back. Here's something funny she wrote today about one of her New Year's Resolutions:

*I'm going to stop acting so horribly awkward when people hug me. I have come to appreciate warm people who embrace you just because they're happy to see you. I used to hate it and think it forward. But now I've become more continental and I like the hug. But I hug like a retarded and grandmotherly robot. Plus, I do this really annoying back tap while I hug. Tap-Tap-Tap.

Very Mom is one of my very favorite blogs, as you all know if you've been coming 'round here very long. From her Great Poop Battles of 2004, to moving to per-ta-ter country (Idaho), she keeps me laughing and is the one I have voted for as my fave Mommy Blog. Here's a funny from VM's life (This is only part of it. Go here to read the entire post):

Cable Customer Service Person: May I help you?

Me: Yes, I have some questions about how to order Pay-per-view movies.

CCSP: [Launches into sales pitch]

Me: No, I don’t think you understand. We already have cable.

CCSP: Phone number, please?

Me: 208.555.5555

CCSP: Hmmm. Shanon Boswell? It looks like you’ve already ordered PPV movies, I’m showing “Dirty Cindy Does Texas” and last month, “Cinderella’s Anal Ball".

Me: Uh, that’s not our account. We’ve only been here three weeks.

CCSP: Address?

Me: 123 Booneyville Street

CCSP: Nothing is coming up. Name?

Me: Well, it’s a new house, just built… my husband called from Utah before we moved to set up our account, his name is Eric Wiseman.

CCSP: Weisman?

Me: No, Wise - Man.

CCSP: Weirman?

Me: No, just like the three kings, W-I-S-E-M-A-N.

CCSP: [Starts singing We Three Kings] Nope, nothing. When you moved in, was cable already in the apartment?

Me: No, this is a brand new house, we built it. The cable guy came four days after we moved in and set it up.

CCSP: So you’re already a customer.

Me: Well, we’ve been watching cable for three weeks now.

CCSP: Cable One?

Me: Yes, you are the only cable company that services Rigby, Idaho.

CCSP: So you already have a box.

Me: ???!!?

CCSP: I found it! It’s spelled wrong, W-I-S-E-M-A-N!

Me: No, that’s the correct spelling.

The other nominees for Best Mommy Blog are:

Miss Zoot

The Cheese Stands Alone (Elizabeth Dunne)
This Full House

Frankly, I have gotten very tired of looking through these Mommy Blogs, although they are all quite enjoyable. So I am sorry to say that if you want to know about these last 3 you will have to go check it out for yourself. If I wait til I have time and patience, the voting will be over.

Go vote for somebody....there are real prizes and everything. Some momma is gonna be very happy. And you know, if momma ain't happy.....