Saturday, January 06, 2007

Happy Racket and Good Vibes

I woke this morning to the sound of a happy racket. My fourteen year old son bought a bass guitar and amp with his Christmas money, so he was already up experimenting with his instrument. The younger children received recorders (thanks, Mom!) and a real drum set for Christmas. The kids were trying to have a band, so we had toot-toot-toot and thrum-thrum-thrum and rat-a-tat-tat going on.

I guess some parents would not appreciate their day starting this way, but I loved it.

I love it that we've gotten to this point where the kids can all work together on a meaningful project and make some semblance of sense to it all. (My 10 year old daughter was directing her little brothers on how they could make the recorders and drums play "Who let the dogs out" which, if you haven't heard the who-who-who-who part played by off-key squeaking recorders, you haven't quite lived yet...)

Really, I'm just enjoying my kids a lot. A few years ago when I hit a bad patch of depression and drowning I had to go into Save Myself mode to get a grip on life. I was originally a very enthusiastic mother who drank in all the fun and wonder of life as mom. As time went on and things got more difficult, I lost a lot of that joy mainly because I was too swamped to be able to.

Since I've restructured my life and felt much better and more settled inside myself, it has been a little distressing for me to notice that I still didn't feel like I enjoyed my kids as much as I knew I used to. I was still doing all the things that "good" moms should do, but I wasn't feeling as mentally present, wasn't feeling many warm fuzzies, wasn't feeling as connected as I wanted to. I've wondered if that part of my brain was just....broken, or something.

So, it's been a great encouragement to me in the last few weeks to realize that I have had a return of feeling like the mom I want to be. I've enjoyed drinking in cute little conversations, have been able to set aside work more easily in order to be the shoulder to cry on (10 year old girls can be so mean!!), the one to read a book to a little guy, the mom that spent an hour putting together a complicated wooden train formation (much to the delight of my 5 year old), letting little ones paint, goofing off, taking kids on errands and not minding it, etc. It's been so great to know that I can truly feel how precious each day and each moment with my kids is. It's been great to feel the importance of my moment-by-moment investment in my kids and know that all of this adds up to big stuff in my kid's hearts and minds.

I'll probably never be the same great mom that I was in my 20s, but now I feel like it's possible that I may eventually be able to be a better one.

No comments: