Fried

I have another good post coming up soon, that is sort of a spin-off of my Elusive Balance post from a couple days ago. It's not ready to share yet, so you'll have to settle for this instead.

I'm feeling rather burnt-out today. It's not the cause of one thing, of course. It seems more like a build-up. It's things like

-having had headaches on a daily basis now for weeks or maybe even months (I am getting an eye exam on Tuesday as I think that my eyes may be the cause)

-not being able to sleep well for what seems like an extremely long time. I no longer have the interruptions of breastfeeding or kids in my bed (most of the time), and yet I sleep worse than I have in 14 years. Lack of adequate sleep is always a trigger for me to become an emotional mess.

-women in a new ladies' group that I am in, who want to fuss and fight and gripe about all manner of nonsense

-people who freak about about stuff that they don't understand, rather than try to understand before freaking out

-money stress

-things that are beyond my ability to change but I am stuck dealing with

-Halloween costume mania. While most of the local children will be out in their creativeless shiny store-bought costumes, my little urchins will be sporting costumes constructed of cast aside bathrobes, old karate uniforms, and guns and swords made of wood in the back yard. It's actually the way I prefer it to be, but I remember last year felt kind of humbling to be out amongst the shiny and new. Maybe this year we can trick or treat in the dark so as to avoid social stigma.

-feeling stuck

-needing a break and not being able to have one.

Church today was another multi-sensory worship experiences. I missed much of what the pastor said at the start, because I was having a real struggle to get my 2 year old to accept that he had to stay in his class. By the time I made it into the service I felt so tired, fragile, and burnt out.

We had 4 stations to go to. The first one I went to had unlit candles. We were asked to calm down with some deep breaths for a few moments, and then to focus on God and knowing that we are not alone. We could light a candle and watch it for awhile, as a representation of God being present with us. I found that I had a fairly strong belief that I was indeed very alone. And breathing and lighting a candle did not help.

I prayed about it at my seat for awhile. I went to a couple of the other stations. I found that although it was lovely, I was so drained that I did not feel like I could be reached by any of it.

Periodically I go through times when I feel desperate for a break when everything can stop and I can have enough time to get a grip on what's going on, to catch up on things that are fallen behind, and get some quiet time to get calm, and then have a chance to move forward in a way that might be better. But, it doesn't seem like that opportunity ever comes.

When I grew up there was a beautiful retreat center run by nuns in the town where I lived. I have never been inside and know very little about what happens there. But I can tell you that many times I have wished for a quiet place of beauty where I could go all by myself, speak to nobody, and have the space to think, pray, sleep, dream, plan, and breathe for awhile. By the time I can go, I probably won't need it any more. (and if I do, it'll probably be as a resident of The Shady Acres Home for the Mentally Deranged...)

How is a woman supposed to get what she needs when there are so many things preventing it from happening?

I was at the library yesterday for a few minutes and picked up a magazine to read for a few minutes. I made the mistake of reading what Dr. Phil wanted to tell me about how I could change my life and make it better. I haven't appreciated his advice before, and I didn't appreciate it yesterday. It seems to me that Dr. Phil's advice is lacking something.....like the logical conclusion of what practicing it might look like.

For instance, if a wife does not like it that her husband spends money as he does, Dr. Phil says she should calmly tell him how she feels, and that this is important to her. If the husband also follows Dr. Phil, he will change his ways. If he does not follow Dr. Phil, he will probably continue to do what he has always done. Dr. Phil says that then the wife needs to say to the husband, that has continued to leave his dirty socks on the floor, "Hey, dear, I told you that I did not want you to do that and that it was important to me for you to change your ways." For the husband who follows Dr. Phil, he apologises profusely for forgetting and swiftly picks up his socks. For the other husband, he shrugs his shoulders and gets a beer and goes to watch a football game. Dr. Phil advises the wife to not let this slide, and that there must be CONSEQUENCES for her husband's actions. Uh huh. Just what do you recommend now, Dr. Phil? This is what I have never seen him tell. Is the wife supposed to come up with consequences like "no more sex" or "I am no longer going to cook for you" or "I am leaving you if you do not start picking up your own socks and start living the way I want you to"? All I can see is that Dr. Phil has the completely nonsensical idea that all of these husbands are going to change their behavior because their wife now "values herself" enough to tell him what she wants him to change, and then is willing to nag him about it for the rest of his life or until he decides to see things her way. Frankly, I think guys can ignore nagging very well, and that there are plenty of other women to cook, clean, and warm their bed for them in the world. Unless you have a very compliant husband, this does not seem like wise advice to me.

Sorry, Dr. Phil, but nagging and ragging about one's rights does not a happy marriage make, and a smart woman does not let petty issues encourage her to tear down her own house. Cooking up "consequences" to try to twist the arm of your mate is no kind of marriage that I am interested in. Sometimes I get results with a nice talk. Sometimes I get results by continuing to be as good a wife as possible, and pray like crazy for changes. And sometimes I choose to pick up the slack and be thankful that I have a faithful husband that works hard and comes home to us, who loves his kids and thinks I'm still hot. (sort of like how my husband chooses to ignore most of my glaring faults) That's a heck of a lot better than many women have, and I'll keep mine even if he's not perfect, thank you. I value myself enough to know when I've got a good thing, even if I have to spend 3 seconds per day picking up socks for the rest of my life.

For the cherry on top of tonite's psycho babble, I will share that I have found myself feeling very sad for good times of my past that are long gone and never coming back. I have had dreams that feature me in tears because I can't be in high school any more. I am really, really missing my best friends from high school. That is probably one of the most pitiful admissions I've made here, but there you have it.

I cry in my dreams about my dear friend that is on the other side of the world living as a missionary. She has been gone for over 4 years, except for a brief 6 month break, and she won't be back for probably 3 more years. She doesn't have regular internet access, so although I miss her presence in my life, it's like our friendship mostly goes into suspended animation while she's gone. It's like I don't have a friend in her any more.

Things just feel hard. I feel very isolated. I'm overtired. It's not surprising that I would wish for simpler times.

Alas, reality bites at times. And mine is that I have to get up in 6 hours. Goodnight.