I Don't Know Why She Swallowed The Fly, Perhaps She'll Die... -or- The Marriage Article that has REALLY TICKED ME OFF!!!

Parenting and marriage advice from Michael and Debi Pearl (the founders of the Christian ministry No Greater Joy), is often controversial. Some people love 'em, some hate 'em, and a few like me alternate between those, usually hoovering somewhere in between. Today, I'm experiencing general disdain.


No Greater Joy sends out a free bi-monthly publication filled with parenting and marriage advice, homeschooling tips, and various Christian living articles. Although I don't agree with all of what the Pearl's teach, I usually do enjoy the magazine. Well, this month's issue arrived today, and I am not happy.


Debi Pearl has written a book to women entitled Created to be His Help Meet. Included in the article about the new book was an excerpt from Chapter 8 – Wisdom to Understand Your Man.
http://nogreaterjoy.org/index.php?id=25&backPID=2&tt_news=211

Where to begin...where to begin....so many things I hate about this article....

First off, Debi has decided that there are three basic types of men, and this of course directly correlates to God's three main personality traits and the Trinity. Never you mind that this is all made up by her and that there is no factual basis for this....it's the stuff that chapter 8 is built upon, and that is all that matters.

Yes, well, getting right to the three types of men:

1. Mr. Command Man

2. Mr. Visionary

3. Mr. Steady

Mr. Command Man is of course very dominating. A natural leader, if you will. Debi says, "They are known for expecting their wives to wait on them hand and foot. Most of them do not want their wives involved in any project that prevents them from serving him." Sounds great, eh?

What's a girl to do if she's married to one of these diamonds-in-the-rough? "A woman married to a Command Man has to earn her place in his heart by proving that she will stand by her man, faithful, loyal, and obedient. When she has won his confidence, he will treasure her to the extreme."

Yes, that's right gals...you have to EARN YOUR PLACE IN HIS HEART by being as faithful and loyal and obedient as a German Shepherd, and then you will have WON his confidence and your husband will treasure you! Good girl! Good girl! (pat-pat-pat and a scratch behind the ears for you!)

Debi also shares that "If you are married to a king, honor and reverence is something you must give him on a daily basis if you want him to be a benevolent, honest, strong and fulfilled man of God. He has the potential to become an amazing leader. Never shame him, and do not belittle him or ignore his accomplishments."

I guess he's only strong and capable as long as his wife is bowing low before him, never daring to do anything outside of his perfect will for her. Of course, it would all be the bad wife's fault if this man were to not meet his full potential.

"A Command Man who has gone bad is likely to be abusive. It is important to remember that much of how a Command man reacts depends on his wife’s reverence toward him."

You see that his success or failure is dependent on her, don't you? And how he treats her depends on her as well.

Basically, Mr. Command Man has great potential to either be a fabulous leader or a giant ass, and it all depends on you. Better get your servitude on, wifey.

Mr. Visionary is a "shaker, changer, and dreamer" that Debi parallels with the Holy Spirit. Here are a few of the things that Debi has to say about these guys:

"These men have tunnel vision, tenaciously focusing on single issues. They will easily pick up and relocate without any idea of what they are going to do for a living at their new location."

"If they are not wise, they can be real jerks who push their agendas, forcing others to go their way."

"Most will just sit around the house and complain, but in their souls they are Visionaries."

"They are often gifted men or inventors."

"If you are married to one of these fellows, expect to be rich, or poor, rarely middle class. He may invest everything in a chance, lose it all, or make a fortune, but he will not do well working 8-5 in the same place for 30 years, and retire to live the good life. If he works a regular job, he may either not show up half the time or he will work like a maniac 80 hours a week and love every minute. He may purchase an alligator farm in Florida or a ski resort in Colorado, or he may buy an old house trailer for $150.00 with hopes of fixing it up and selling it for $10,000.00, only to find out that it is so deteriorated that it can’t be moved. He will then have the wife and all the kids help him tear the top off and carry the scraps to the dump, saving the appliances in the already crowded garage, and then making a farm trailer out of the axles. Now that he has a farm trailer and no animals, expect him to get a deal on three old sick cows, and…. He may never be rich in money, but he will be rich in experience."

Now, I am imagining that there are many desperate wives of over-the-top visionaries out there who will read Debi's words and be blessed to find a way to cope with her situation and manage to stay in some semblance of happiness. I won't minimize the value of that. Whatever it takes to get you through, sister.

Some of her advice includes:

"Every Mr.Visionary needs a good, wise, prudent, stable wife who has a positive outlook on life."

"The wife of Mr.Visionary should be just a
little bit reckless and blind in one eye if she is going to enjoy the ride."

"Learn how to be flexible, and learn how to always be loyal to your man. You will be amazed at how much happier you will be and how much fun life can be if you learn to just go with the flow–his flow. Life will become an adventure."

"The Visionary man needs his woman’s support, and he will appreciate it when it is freely given. Without her, he feels alone."

"Someday, when her husband is assured that he can trust her with his heart, he will let her be his navigator—and still take the credit for it."

"Over time, this type of man will become more practical."

So, once again, it's the wife's job to pave the way for her husband's behavior, good or bad, and eventually what she can hope for is to have earned his trust, and that he might be more practical as he ages. Lucky girl, eh?

The Steady Man is paralleled to God and Jesus. "God is as steady as an eternal rock, caring, providing, and faithful, like a priest—like Jesus Christ." He doesn't make snap decisions, isn't prone to controversy, is hardworking, quiet, and content. He doesn't tend to stray from his wife. He puts no undue pressure on her and creates no strife. On the down side:

"You may be discontent because he is slow and cautious to take authority and make firm decisions. Bossy women can see their husband’s lack of judgment and call their Steady husbands “wishy-washy”. His steadiness makes him the last to change, so he seems to be a follower because he is seldom out front forming up the troops. There is no rapture in him, just a slow, steady climb, with no bells or whistles. You wish he would just make up his mind, and that he would take a stand in the church, or that he would be firm in child discipline. He seems to just let people use him. There are times you wish he would boldly tell you what to do so you would not have to carry all the burden of decision-making.

Some women equate their husband’s wise caution and lack of open passion as being unspiritual. His lack of spontaneity and open boldness may look like indifference to spiritual things. He is like deep, deep water. The very depth makes the movement almost imperceptible."

"The trials he seems to cause you are really your discontented responses to what you consider to be his shortcomings. If you didn’t attempt to change him into something other than what God created him to be, he would not cause you any grief."

There it is again: If you're unhappy, it's your own fault! Women, you hold all the keys to your happiness, simply by turning a blind eye, giving up your hopes and dreams, capitalizing on your husband's good points, minimizing his faults, and putting on a happy face.

Watch out, you wives of Mr. Steady:

"When a woman is married to a bossy, dominant man, people marvel that she is willing to serve him without complaint, so she comes out looking like a wonderful woman of great patience and sacrifice. A woman married to the impulsive Visionary Man who puts the family through hardships, will stir amazement in everyone. “How can she tolerate his weird ideas with such peace and joy?” She comes out being a real saint, maybe even a martyr. But if you are married to a wonderful, kind, loving, serving man, and you are just a little bit selfish, then you are likely to end up looking like an unthankful shrew. He helps you, adores you, protects you, and is careful to provide for you, and you are still not satisfied. Shame on you!"

Yep..shame on you. There we are with the German Shepherd thing again. I wonder if the husband gets to smack us with a rolled up newspaper, too.

sigh....

sigh....

sigh....

I believe that Debi Pearl is trying her best to be true to what she sees as instruction to women in the Bible. Admittedly, her goal is to instruct women, not men, so it is no surprise that this chapter does not ask the men to take any responsibility for themselves.

I will agree that there is much to be said for understanding one's husband and for doing all you can to make your marriage a happy one. I've turned a blind eye many a time and done mental gymnastics to help myself "get happy" when things were not to my liking. It actually works quite well (on a limited basis), and in a large way I can credit my 13 year marriage holding together and still being happy to much of this type of thinking. So, I don't mean to discount everything in this excerpt. As is common, there are some worthwhile nuggets of gold in there.

HOWEVER, what I am really, truly weary of is the way that so many female Christian writers so openly share their belief that women are so dreadful and so powerful. Women are to blame for their own problems. Women are to blame for their husband's problems. Women's desire for security, love, tenderness, friendship, intellectual pursuits, and most of all respect, are what cause problems. We just want too darn much. What we should be doing, it seems, is grasping that by simply being born female and for getting married, our main purpose in life is to become nothing. I have observed women who have actually turned this sort of thinking into a religion. The one who can think less, work more, put out more, turn a blind eye more, do without more of every creature comfort..... is the winner. These women seem to embrace all of this as being all of what God wants them to be. And it's mighty convenient for the husband who is low on personal responsibility, too.

The power aspect is that while we are doing all of this pretending and dying to everything outside of this role, we are the main influence shaping our marriage and our children. The whole "hand that rocks the cradle" thing, you know. While I think there is a lot of truth to that, does the entire responsibility of the human race rightly fall on the shoulders of women?

I also think that this line of thinking is an affront to men. I realize that many a man, perhaps even most, would greatly enjoy being coddled and covered-for all the days of his life, never having to face up to his shortcomings in the form of a wife who would dare to bring it to his attention. But, really, aren't there men who possess such strength of character and security in their manhood that they want more out of a marriage than a wife who is a glorified dog? Aren't there men who find this message that they are so inept and likely to be derailed from their full potential by any directive or criticism from the one who knows them best and shares their bed insulting? Is it somehow un-Christian for a man to desire an equal relationship with his wife?

Is it to be ignored that women also have been made in God's image, and that the traits that are common to our femininity are from God and just as much a part of His personality and vision for us as well as that which is masculine? Is it to be ignored that the Bible tells us that we are considered equal by God? Is it to be ignored that Jesus reached out to women in his ministry, showing no disdain for them, or that women played key roles in the early Christian church?

Where is the relief for every wife who is losing hope because she is miserable having to turn her brain off every day of her life? Where is the redemption for the longsuffering woman of an irresponsible man? Where is the motivation for weak men to grow up and stand strong within their own masculinity? When will women stop being looked at as Evil Eves and Scheming Jezebels? Where is the balance?