Why are women so hard on each other??

Chez Miscarriage has had some interesting posts lately about how it seems women just can't win. We're always bad: did you realize that?

Have a child and stay at home: What? Only one lonely child? And you don't even work and contribute to society?

Have more than one child and stay at home: Don't you know about the overpopulation problem? And why don't you get off your rear and get a job! You're so boring and dowdy staying at home with your kids all the time!

Have children and work full time: You are a selfish, bad person! Why would you have children if you weren't going to raise them?

Have children and work part time: You must be too selfish to stay at home and really devote yourself to your children. OR: You are too into being a mother to be able to commit to your job and do it well.

Normally fertile woman who chooses not to have children: You are too selfish to have children!

Normally fertile woman who chooses to adopt children: Why adopt when you can have your own kids? You are adopting kids that other people who can't have children should have first dibs on!

Adopting a white baby: Why spend all that money just for skin color? There are babies of other colors who need you so much more!

Adopting any child within the USA: Why adopt these kids when there are children in other countries who have so much less hope of a bright future like any child in the USA has?

Adopting a child internationally: Why spend all that money to adopt outside of the country when there are so many children needing homes right here in the USA?

Infertile people going through infertility treatments to get pregnant: Maybe you weren't meant to be parents. OR, You should just adopt since there are so many children needing parents!

Infertile people deciding to get off the infertility treatments and adopt: But how can you love and adopted child as much as one of your own? Maybe you should keep trying.

Breastfeeding mother: Yuk! Weird! Don't do that for too long, it's abnormal. Your kid will have problems.

Bottlefeeding mother: Didn't you even *try* to breastfeed? What kind of a mother ARE you feeding that kid poison??

Co-sleeping parents: Your kids will die in bed because you'll smother them! And if they live, they will be insecure and weird!

Parents who don't co-sleep: Do you think your kid likes to sleep all alone in that prison-bar bed you call a crib?

Homeschool: Your kids will be brainwashed freaks!

Public school: Your kids will be brainwashed, undereducated cogs in the pitiful wheel of society.

Private school: Snobs!

and on and on it goes.

So why do we do this to each other? What is it about motherhood that is so polarizing? What is it about motherhood that makes us see so much that we disapprove about one another?

I have to admit that I actually haven't received that many bad comments over the years. I'm just about 6 feet tall and am generally confident and happy, so I think that may contribute to people mainly saying nice things to me about my kids/life. I've had a few zingers, though. (Like the nurse who brought me towels so that I could dry off after giving birth to my third child. She looked me over (I was getting out of the shower) and said, "You sure haven't lost that belly yet, have you?") So I'm not really bringing this up for myself as much as I am because it seems so prevalent that people do experience this.

Grrl at Chez Miscarriage asked people to write in with some of their best/worst "drive by comments" about their parenting. There are almost 200 right now. Go check it out and be amazed. Perhaps you'd like to add to her list, or possibly share some here.

For me, I think that when I was first a mother I felt so blown away by my mothering instincts, it was nearly impossible for me to imagine that doing things some other way could be just as valid. The way we parented is something that came from our personalities and lifestyle, and is something that we have stuck with pretty much through all 6 kids. Thankfully, I have found that as I have had more children, I've learned a lot more, experienced a lot more, and therefore am so much more able to appreciate the different choices that others will make for their families. Obviously, I still have my reasons for what I do, and if you were to ask me about them I might even seem like I was trying to get you to see things my way. (Do we all do that?) But, ultimately, I believe that children with reasonable, loving parents turn out fine despite all the variables.

What do you think? Have you made rude comments to people? Had rude comments made to you? And what about those of you who seem to want to see every comment as a rude one? (For instance, if you have little kids and someone says, "You sure have your hands full" or "I can't imagine how you do it!" or "Wow! Are they all yours?!" these are not necessarily rude comments. You DO have your hands full! You ARE busy! It IS unusual to see families with many children! Stop looking for abuse where there is none! Smile and say, "Yes, they're all mine! Yes, I am busy! I don't know how I do it either. But, they are so fun!" and keep right on walking. Don't look for abuse where it doesn't exist.)