Sunday, May 22, 2011

For all the people that think I've got it all together

This post is for all the people who tend to think that I'm always positive and doing well:

This round of PMS has gotten brutal. I've been experiencing a level of self-loathing that is pretty tough. I'm so discouraged about gaining the weight back that I worked so hard to lose. And although I know what I did last time to lose it, so theoretically could do it all again, it feels like too much to take on, especially since I've already seen that my current schedule doesn't feel like it has room in it to do those things. I feel like I'm at an impasse, sitting here, overweight, not fitting into my clothes, and feeling stuck.

Also, just on principle, I feel like I should be able to love myself and be kind to myself regardless of my weight. But something in me isn't letting that happen. Instead, with every jiggle of arm flab and with every awareness of back fat, I'm saying mean stuff to myself. I've got a mean bully riding around in my own head, telling me how gross it is that I have let myself get fat again. Obviously losing the weight could help one part of that, but what the heck is going on inside my head that I'm withholding love and acceptance from myself?! Not good.

The other big emotional plague is that my oldest son is now finishing up high school at home, and everybody else is having all of this extra special stuff like proms and graduation ceremonies and whatnot. And we aren't. Well, truth be told, he could have gone to prom at his former school if he wanted to, but said he wasn't a fan of the prom and was content to skip it. And graduations are boring, I know. I barely even remember mine. And I just suffered through an 8th grade graduation the other day and truly, they are boring ordeals. Still, there are special marking points for the others, and this being my first go-around with having a homeschooled high school senior, these things have fallen through the cracks. We don't have a homeschool group nearby that is doing any of these things, and so time has flown and here I am feeling bad. Yes, we will have a graduation party for him. I just haven't planned it yet. And I guess I could probably scare up a cap and gown if we wanted to go through the motions. He'll hate that, though, because he, like his mother, dislikes all forms of fakery and contrivance.

I think I just worry that he won't feel special or something.

Of course, I'm the girl who ended up not even sending in a photo to the newspaper for when I got married. By then I just didn't care about getting that done. I was married. I was happy. Onward and upward. So...I am probably worrying too much.

A friend invited me to her homeschooled son's graduation at their church, with several other homeschooled kids. Honestly, I felt like crying that there was no official group or ceremony for my kid. I couldn't deal with going to it. :(

In the end, it will all be ok. Today the build-up of negative self-talk and emotional overload has overrun me. I told my husband earlier today that my PMS was working like a wrecking ball, just so he would be aware. I've just done my best to keep my head down, my mouth shut, and get through this, because I think I will feel better in time.

Hormones. They suck.


~B said...

Oh. Wow. I have been going through a lot of these same things. And I don't think it's PMS.... Is it that we are getting closer to menopause? I have had a hard year too--and the self-loathing is _harder_.

((hug)) ~B

Alana said...

hang in there. I can relate.