Dolly Mama Strikes Again!

2011 End of Year Meme

2011-12-31T10:47:00.003-05:00

Remember Memes? I don't know if people even do those any more. But hey--this is my 8th year of doing this one. It's a New Year's Eve tradition. Can't stop now!

I do want to thank those of you that still bother to come around here any more. Now that I have facebook for quick updates, I find that I rarely think of my life in terms of blogging any more. At times I have considered shutting down this blog completely, but alas, why should I? It's not like cyberspace is being harmed by the "clutter" of my blog. And, I suppose one never knows when the blogging bug might come back again.

1. What did you do in 2011 that you'd never done before?
Turned 40.
Hired a business coach.
Joined Classical Conversations for our homeschool.
Started a Juice Feast!
Got to have my mom come live near me!

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't remember what my resolutions were, but if they had to do with losing weight or eating healthier, I did not keep up on that. However, I have started a Juice Feast (yesterday was Day 1) and I am looking forward to seeing how that goes and what 2012 brings.

I enjoy making resolutions and goals, so YES of course I will make more.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Several friends from church have had babies this year.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Thankfully, no.

5. What countries did you visit? None, as usual.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
The ability to understand better what foods work best for my body.

More time and mental clarity to complete more of the projects I would enjoy doing.

7. What events from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
My mom and her husband moving from 10 hours away to come live near us is a huge, happy 2011 memory!

I guess turning 40 was memorable, though I preferred to have an extremely low-key day and enjoyed it very much.

Depending on how the Juice Feast goes, that may or may not end up being super memorable.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Joining Classical Conversations and managing to hang on through the learning curve has been an achievement. I love the program and am so glad we decided to give it a try.

9. What was your biggest failure?
I guess I could say that gaining some more weight was a failure, but really I think all of these experiences are learning opportunities more than failure. So, not sure other than that.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Nothing that stands out.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My new imac!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Well, my oldest son graduated from high school, so that was one. My daughter and her marching band went to the state level, and that was awesome. One son played football for the first time this year. My mom and her husband being willing to pick up and move close to us was definitely cause for celebration.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and disgusted?
Not going to get into it, but I do have one that sticks out.

14. Where did most of your money go?
All of the usual locations: bills, living, education, taxes

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Classical Conversations

Mom coming to live near me

Marching band going to state!

16. What song will always remind you of 2011?

Don't really have one this year.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? happier/optimistic
b) thinner or fatter? fatter
c) richer or poorer? probably about the same

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Feeling peaceful and unstressed.
Completing things I would like to do.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Feeling hurried and stressed out.

Feeling sick about people that have been difficult/painful for me to deal with.

20. How will you be spending New Year's Eve?
Today--attending a birthday party for a close friend.
Tonite--Enjoying a glass of fruit/veggie juice, playing games with my kids, and I don't know if we will stay up til midnight or not.

21. Did you fall in love in 2011?
Just stayed in love with all the usual loves of my life. :)

22. What was your favorite TV program?
Dexter and Homeland

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I don't do hate.

24. What was the best book you read?
I barely got to read this year. Just recently started using the kindle app on my phone which is helping me get more read. Nothing sticks out in my mind as being particularly great, though.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Adele, of course. I hope her vocal cords heal up soon! She is awesome.

26. What did you want and get?
A better education for my younger boys.

My mom to live near me.

Help with clarifying some business stuff.

27. What did you want and not get?
I guess more money is always helpful, but really, I'm pretty content.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
No favorites stick out to me. Enjoyed and was inspired by the documentary Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead. Also enjoyed the documentary Dive.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 40 this year. As the time drew near I felt that I really didn't want to have a big bash, as I had been considering. When it came down to it, what I felt like doing and enjoyed was staying home in my PJs all day long, snuggled up on the couch, watching shows or movies on the laptop, and hanging out with my family. Several people who wished me a happy birthday seemed to feel sorry for me that I wasn't doing anything "big," but really I was doing exactly what I wanted to do and I enjoyed it very much. I realize now that any year, "milestone" or not, I can have a huge party if I want to. I can also take a lazy day and enjoy that too. :)

30.What one thing would have made your year measurably more satisfying?
More tangible accomplishments.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
Getting too fat for everything I have. Frustrated. Yoga pants were my friend but now they are getting pretty tight.

32. What kept you sane?
Knowing why I do what I do, and continuing forward with the love and encouragement of my family.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Glad to see Jenny McCarthy continuing to speak up about vaccine safety issues.

Enjoyed the royal wedding (Will and Kate).

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Currently concerned about NDAA, SOPA, food freedom (why on earth is our gov't spending so much effort to stomp on raw milk, gardens, etc?). I have a lot of concerns about the direction things are heading in.

35. Who did you miss?
I always miss my Gram. She is never far from my thoughts.

36. Who was the best new person you met?

Met a ton of great women through our Classical Conversations group, and feel so blessed to have them to do school with and learn from.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.
Not new, but I continue to be convinced in trusting myself.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
Don't worry. Be happy.

Growing Up

2011-10-15T08:56:00.003-04:00

My babies are getting bigger by the day. My oldest is graduated, working now, and last night talked to me about possibly moving out. He's excited, but also nervous and wondering what the coming changes will be like, and what's on the unknown side of life where he isn't a child in his parents' home.

My daughter is in high school and already attuned to the fact that all of her senior friends will be going away in a few months. I remember how emotional that felt.

My third child is off on the youth group camping trip this weekend. Excited and nervous, he told me, "I've never been on a camping trip without Dad before!"

The three "Little Boys" as we started calling them when they were like a pack of puppies, 3 born in under 3 years, are getting taller, more capable, smarter, and looking older every day. I don't have any "little" boys here any more.

When I see adorable wooden puzzles and building sets, my first instinct is that maybe I would want to buy it for Christmas or a birthday. Then I remember that we've pretty well outgrown those things here. Good thing I have nieces with young children.

They are growing up. Life is good. We're doing fine.

Happy Things and Stuff to Look Forward To

2011-07-22T09:36:00.007-04:00

Nearly a month since I surfaced here. Many good things and new things going on and coming up:

1. Last year my husband and I were very nose-to-the-grindstone about homeschooling. We partnered up and split the teaching duties and kept at it all year, which was great. In the end, we didn't have as great a sense of accomplishment as we would have liked. In addition, with every available day dedicated to schooling, the kids had no activities, other than Upward basketball season. I had grown increasingly concerned about their lack of friends and social opportunities, and was plotting and planning about how we could take the time and do the driving to whatever activities, co-ops, or whatever that we could scare up for the coming school year.

As it turned out, I came across Classical Conversations. A friend told me about it a couple years ago when I was in no position to have any interest in it. This time, though, I was ready, and it seemed like it could be a good fit. One day a week for all of us to go to a neighboring town to meet with our fellow CC'ers, the boys will get to make friends, teacher training for my husband and me is built right in because we will stay for the entire day and be involved in classes, and the boys get the nudge of being somewhat accountable to their tutors in their classes. Basically, it addresses all of the weak spots I felt we were having, plus it looks like a very challenging program with a measurable goal for each subject, which I think will be good for us and give us that sense of accomplishment that we've been missing. Looks like CC will replace most of what we've been doing for school, and will change a lot around here. We are ready for a change, so I hope this is a good fit.

I've not been interested in the classical approach to education before. All of the books I knew on the subject(The Well-Trained Mind, Teaching the Trivium) sounded so formal and hoity-toity and stuck up, a free spirited gal like me just didn't have even the slightest interest in joining up. This year as I watched the videos and saw a lot of fun, a lot of action, and nothing that looked stodgy to me, I decided it just might work for us.

It is expensive compared to what we've done so far. Thankfully we were able to get the financial end of things all worked out, so it's all systems go for starting in late August. Two of my boys are excited and two don't want to do it. Hopefully it will work out good for all and be a positive year. (otherwise, boy howdy!, we will have spent a lot of money and effort to be miserable for a school year....)

2. My mom is moving to live near me! After 20 years of living approximately 12 hours away from each other, I am more than ready to get to hang out with my mom on a regular basis. We are very excited, and now my kids will have access to even more grandparents, which is really awesome. It was great for me to grow up with grandparents nearby, so I am glad to finally have this chance for my own kids.

3. My husband and I got to travel to IL for the wedding of one of my cousins. I had never gotten to meet any of these family members before, because they are from my mom's birth family that she never got to meet. We've been in touch with some of this new branch of our family tree for about a year now, and I've gotten to be friendly with this one cousin thanks to facebook. It was a very lovely and positive experience to be welcomed into the family and get to spend time with 3 cousins, my aunt and her husband, and the various children and extended family members. Very glad that we went!

4. My husband and I will be celebrating our 20th anniversary soon! Funny how it doesn't seem that long, and also seems like forever that we've been together. Our trip was our opportunity for an anniversary getaway.

5. My daughter is starting high school in a few weeks, and is already busy in marching band. My oldest is done with high school and is now working while he figures out what else he'd like to do. We are looking forward to marching season and all of the contests! Hopefully my mom will be moved here in time to enjoy them along with us.

6. Treadmill: I have wanted a treadmill for a long time, and my husband always pointed out how much space they take up, and how often people get them but don't use them. He would also point out our rebounder and say "You could just bounce!" Yeah, well, I do like to bounce, but not for miles. And as my weight has creeped back on (yeah, creepy!) and my ability to go walking has come to a screeching halt, and as the fitness center in town closed, something had to change. I decided to try out my idea of wanting a treadmill and see if it would work well for me. I put a shout-out on facebook, and don'tcha know, someone offered me a free one! We got it the other day and so far it is providing fun and exercise for all of the kids, one dog, and myself. I used to walk 2 miles most days with my friend Kim. Right now doing a mile feels challenging. So, I've got some work to do. I'm trying to add a tenth of a mile onto my distance each day. With a bazillion pounds to lose, I gotta get crackin'.

Out of time. This concludes today's edition of Happy Things.

Let Them Eat Cake

2011-06-24T12:56:00.001-04:00

For all the people that think I've got it all together

2011-05-22T20:16:00.003-04:00

This post is for all the people who tend to think that I'm always positive and doing well:

This round of PMS has gotten brutal. I've been experiencing a level of self-loathing that is pretty tough. I'm so discouraged about gaining the weight back that I worked so hard to lose. And although I know what I did last time to lose it, so theoretically could do it all again, it feels like too much to take on, especially since I've already seen that my current schedule doesn't feel like it has room in it to do those things. I feel like I'm at an impasse, sitting here, overweight, not fitting into my clothes, and feeling stuck.

Also, just on principle, I feel like I should be able to love myself and be kind to myself regardless of my weight. But something in me isn't letting that happen. Instead, with every jiggle of arm flab and with every awareness of back fat, I'm saying mean stuff to myself. I've got a mean bully riding around in my own head, telling me how gross it is that I have let myself get fat again. Obviously losing the weight could help one part of that, but what the heck is going on inside my head that I'm withholding love and acceptance from myself?! Not good.

The other big emotional plague is that my oldest son is now finishing up high school at home, and everybody else is having all of this extra special stuff like proms and graduation ceremonies and whatnot. And we aren't. Well, truth be told, he could have gone to prom at his former school if he wanted to, but said he wasn't a fan of the prom and was content to skip it. And graduations are boring, I know. I barely even remember mine. And I just suffered through an 8th grade graduation the other day and truly, they are boring ordeals. Still, there are special marking points for the others, and this being my first go-around with having a homeschooled high school senior, these things have fallen through the cracks. We don't have a homeschool group nearby that is doing any of these things, and so time has flown and here I am feeling bad. Yes, we will have a graduation party for him. I just haven't planned it yet. And I guess I could probably scare up a cap and gown if we wanted to go through the motions. He'll hate that, though, because he, like his mother, dislikes all forms of fakery and contrivance.

I think I just worry that he won't feel special or something.

Of course, I'm the girl who ended up not even sending in a photo to the newspaper for when I got married. By then I just didn't care about getting that done. I was married. I was happy. Onward and upward. So...I am probably worrying too much.

A friend invited me to her homeschooled son's graduation at their church, with several other homeschooled kids. Honestly, I felt like crying that there was no official group or ceremony for my kid. I couldn't deal with going to it. :(

In the end, it will all be ok. Today the build-up of negative self-talk and emotional overload has overrun me. I told my husband earlier today that my PMS was working like a wrecking ball, just so he would be aware. I've just done my best to keep my head down, my mouth shut, and get through this, because I think I will feel better in time.

Hormones. They suck.

Older moms, younger moms

2011-05-05T13:40:00.003-04:00

I saw a post on a blog today that partially talked about the way older moms and younger moms relate (or don't), and I found myself replying in the form of a post long enough to be featured here. So, breaking the silence, possibly with something I've said similarly before, here's something fresh:

When I was a new mom I found that the older moms that I knew were too busy for me to get much time with them. The few times that I did get up close with moms I admired were good, but they were rare and I was not able to make close relationships with those ladies, for the most part.

There were some older women who took an interest in me, but in some cases they were ones who were really looking for a disciple, someone to make be like them, and honestly, I didn't like the results that I was seeing they had. They may have felt that they were equipped to lead or teach me, but I wasn't interested in going in the direction they wanted to lead me. (and I can say that even in looking back on it all these years later, I was spot-on in those impressions. These were unhealthy people with an ax to grind.)

Now I am 40, and don't have any babies or toddlers or preschoolers or sippy cups. There are no outward markers to signal to the like-minded moms that they have anything in common with me. I'm not sporting a baby in a sling, refusing to use a pacifier, or tandem nursing to show my true colors. :) Even when I try to encourage a mom who is making choices that I can identify with from my own baby days, I sense their hesitation to trust others that they do not identify as part of their parenting sub-set. I have to overtly identify myself, "I come in peace!" and still they don't seem to believe it fully.

My oldest is 18. I've homeschooled for a long time. A lot of the younger moms I know seem to think of me in an older mom/big sister kind of way, but know what? I am so busy with what I've got going just managing my own life and children and homeschooling, that I really don't have a lot of time to invest with those gals. I don't have any more days with room for play dates.

Also, possibly a bigger issue, I have fewer pat answers than I had when I was in my 20s. For moms who want absolutes, I have few, if any, of those to offer. Doesn't seem to speak their language.

A couple months ago a couple from church asked if they could come over and visit with us and have us tell them about homeschooling. They have four small children and were looking for some wisdom, I guess. Someone to fan the flames of their naiive enthusiasm, perhaps. It was hard for us, not only because our schedule was slammed, but also because we know how long and hard the homeschooling road can be, and at the time we were not feeling particularly positive about all that we were doing or experiencing in regards to homeschooling our kids. What can we say to them, we wondered? Here they were, all stars in their eyes, chomping at the bit to Create All Of Their Own Unit Studies! and have Rigorous Standards from the get-go! and have each of their tiny tots academically advanced and extremely precocious. In the end, I ended up telling them what I really felt at the time: It's hard work. It won't always go well. You will have times when you doubt that you are doing the right thing or doing things well. And in the end, even when you have done all you could, your kids might just disappoint you, scare you, be mean, or make you cry. There are no guarantees that anything you are going to do will give you a particular result. It's a marathon, not a sprint, so pace yourself, young friends. And for goodness sake, take your vitamins, because you are going to need all the good health and energy you can maintain for the next 23 years! I don't think they got what they were expecting, and I don't know if they were really able to absorb it, since of course when your kids are tiny and adorable and practically perfect in every way, how could you really understand how things can develop in the next 15 years or so?

I see the complexity of the whole younger woman/older woman thing differently now. Certainly our societal norms do not make that sort of relationship easy or natural. I'm not sure what the answer is. Moms in my category are probably busier and less available in some ways than moms of babies. Ladies a generation older than me are not often familiar with many of my choices in life, and are looking toward retirement, travel, or careers without the impact of growing children. The internet can be great for a mix of encouragement, but is weak in that we only get to see what the person shows us through their words, and in so many cases people are comparing themselves to a myth, or following the advice of someone that they otherwise would not admire if they could more fully observe their life.

There I go again with no pat answers. Annoyingly real, I suppose.

So today I'm 40

2011-04-15T08:53:00.000-04:00

I have no hangups about this.
Happy to be 40!
And nothing else to report.

Love Wins--prelimary review

2011-03-29T08:59:00.000-04:00

I just finished reading Love Wins by Rob Bell. It was a quick and satisfying read. Rob addresses each mention of hell in the Bible (or so he says--I have not yet personally double checked to make sure), talks about the original language that has been translated as hell in modern versions of the Bible, and discusses how the original recipients of the letters of the New Testament would have understood the content. (an essential ingredient that seems often left alone rather than embraced in churches) He voices many of the same questions, doubts, and seeming contradictions that I have wrestled with for a long time. He points us back to the Bible for the answers.

Many who read this book will be surprised and probably skeptical to learn that the idea that God's love will be so appealing to all people, that they will ultimately choose God is not a new idea, but rather a very old one. Rob did not make up some politically-correct version of heaven and hell for this book.

As I said a few posts ago, the concept of ultimate reconciliation of all to God is not new to me. I've had years to get comfortable with this, though maybe had not been able to have 100% confidence in it. Love Wins gave me new and beautiful things to think about, not only about hell, but about heaven, Jesus, God, and how to more fully be a part of bringing the world more of God's goodness and love.

There was a point toward the end of the book where I felt like things were getting a little murky, but I appreciate the Rob was not trying to give us every single answer since not all things can be known by us. He embraces the mysteries and unknowable things and leaves room for us to not know all the details. To me that is far more honest than cooking up a bunch of details that we just can't know right now.

I would recommend this book to anybody who wonders about heaven, hell, God, salvation, or how to live life. Even if you think you won't agree, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised at how much you do get out of the book.

Love Wins, page 111

2011-03-28T13:26:00.002-04:00

Whatever objections a person might have to this story,
and there are many,
one has to admit that it is fitting, proper, and Christian to long for it.
We can be honest about the warped nature of the human heart,
the freedom that love requires,
and the destructive choices people make,
and still envision God's love to be
bigger,
stronger,
and more compelling
than all of that put together.
To shun, censor, or ostracize someone for holding this belief
is to fail to extend grace to each other
in a discussion that has had plenty of room
for varied perspectives
for hundreds of years now.

~Rob Bell in his book Love Wins

Sadly, what I have seen so far in the online discussions anticipating this book, is that many Christians have no grace at all for anyone who wants to explore the possibility of a bigger, better, and more beautiful GOOD NEWS than most of us are familiar with. I have seen people labeled heretics and false teachers for these beliefs. And most of all I have seen that many, many people seem to love the concept of hell for others and are full of vengeance and hate for non-believers. Which is exactly the sort of thing that causes people to flip their proverbial bird at the concept of being a Christian. And why shouldn't they? Who would want to be like that? Jerk on Earth for an eternity with all the other jerks? No thank you.

Love Wins, page 45

2011-03-27T08:13:00.000-04:00

It often appears
that those who talk the most about
going to heaven when you die
talk the least about
bringing heaven to earth right now,
as Jesus taught us to pray,
"Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven."

At the same time,
it often appears
that those who talk the most
about relieving suffering now
talk the least about heaven when we die.

~Rob Bell in his book Love Wins

Love Wins, page 8

2011-03-26T10:08:00.000-04:00

Do you know any individuals who grew up in a Christian church
and then walked away when they got older?
Often pastors and parents and brothers and sisters
are concerned about them and their spirituality
--and often they should be.
But sometimes those individuals' rejection
of church and the Christian faith they were presented with
as the only possible interpretation of what it means to follow Jesus
may in fact be a sign of spiritual health.
They may be resisting behaviors, interpretations, and attitudes
that should be rejected.
Perhaps they simply came to a point
where they refused to accept the very sorts of things that Jesus would refuse to accept.

~Rob Bell in his book Love Wins

Reading Love Wins

2011-03-25T21:57:00.002-04:00

I've never been on the big Rob Bell bandwagon like so many people I know. I think he seems like he's trying too hard to look cool and edgy, and that grates on me. His Nooma videos didn't interest me and I didn't think they were awesome. Velvet Elvis did speak to me, though, and gave voice to my developing beliefs that there had to be a more reasonable way to understand the Bible than much of what I had been exposed to in my life.

Now, we have Love Wins. You've probably heard about it, because people have been screeching about it all month, even weeks before the book was even available to read. What interested me about this book was the subject matter of hell, and the fact that apparently Rob was going to say some things that would challenge the mainstream notions of hell. I started learning some new and interesting things about hell years ago when my friend's husband actually left his pastorate in the Free Methodist Church after becoming compellingly convinced that ultimately God will save all. He wrote a book and it gave me a lot to think about, and gave me a hope that God is bigger and better than most believers would like to let Him be.

So, I'm not a newcomer to the idea that hell might just not be eternal, and that when we learn that Jesus paid it all, it really means ALL. I'm looking forward to digging into this book. So far there are excellent thoughts and he brings up many of the same doubts and questions that I have had for so long. Hopefully I'll manage to circle back around and share my thoughts on it here.

The Biggest, Baddest Item on the Plagues and Nuisances List is DONE

2011-02-22T14:58:00.003-05:00

Today I started a post talking about a difficult situation that has been waiting for my attention since November. I have felt sick about this situation and felt unsure how to handle it. Today while I was writing about it, I decided that dealing with it could not be worse than continuing to think about it any more. Plus, I had already started forming a comfort level with where I felt I was going with the response.

I got it done. I am satisfied with what I said. I am hopeful that what I had to say will resolve the high-stress of the situation. I am very pleased to be done with that. Now if I could quit shaking things would really be good...

(it usually takes my physical body quite some time to catch up with what I've decided in my brain)

Mixed Bag

2011-02-16T21:53:00.003-05:00

Some people are just exhausting. Thankfully, some can be filtered out of life. Others cannot, and so they remain on the plate we call life, dragging around behind us like so many bricks.

Forward motion on one front means that at least three other areas are laying on their side in the ditch.

Life is overloaded with sweet abundance as well as heavy responsibility. Thankfully we have encouraging days that make us feel like we can keep juggling it all.

2010 Year End Meme

2010-12-29T23:12:00.003-05:00

This is my 7th year doing this meme.....is that a good thing, or just getting old?

1. What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before?
Succeeded at learning to super coupon. (I haven't even gotten around to telling about it here. Does anyone even read my blog any more? Quite possibly, no.)
Went to visit my mom...alone!

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't remember what they were, but if it had to do with continuing to not eat sugar, or not regaining some of the weight I lost, then no, I did not keep them.

Will I make more? Of course!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? My niece had a sweet baby girl.

4. Did anyone close to you die? A couple we know lost their newborn daughter. So sad.

5. What countries did you visit? None, as usual.

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
A greater understanding and appreciation for the different gifts each of us brings to the world.

7. What events from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
-Welcoming our new dog Brandi into our family. She is wonderful!
-Saying goodbye to a long relationship that had stopped being healthy.
-Throwing a super fun 40th birthday party for my husband.
-Getting to go visit my mom on my own to celebrate her birthday. Previous to that I hadn't gotten to hang out alone with my mom....like....since I was a teenager!
-Having hard stuff from the past being dug up and the discomfort and exhaustion that went with trying to deal with it.
-A crappy situation on Christmas.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Juggling my life. And learning to super coupon! I have saved a lot of money from it!

9. What was your biggest failure? Well, I gained back some weight and I'm not feeling very good about that right now. :(

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Nothing that stands out.

11. What was the best thing you bought? The Dressing Your Truth course. It is very interesting and I believe the concepts in it are pretty revolutionary. (I haven't gotten around to telling about that here yet, either.)

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? My husband turning 40! We had a great party to celebrate.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and disgusted?
There were a few, but I'm not going to name names here.

14. Where did most of your money go? Bills and savings and having fun with my family.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Couponing! Dressing Your Truth! Having the means to do some special trips and experiences with my family. And probably many other things, because I am always excited about my many projects and ideas!

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?

Firework by Katy Perry (Love. That. Song.)

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? at the moment, sadder
b) thinner or fatter? fatter
c) richer or poorer? richer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Completing tasks and projects that are important to me.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Feeling stressed. And eating too much of the wrong stuff.

20. How will you be spending New Year's Eve? At a birthday party for someone very special to me, and then at home with my family.

21. Did you fall in love in 2010? Yes, with my dog, and with my iphone. :)

22. What was your favorite TV program? Dexter! My husband and I are hooked.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I don't do hate.

24. What was the best book you read? Sadly, I can't even think of a book I read this year. I missed a lot of my book group meetings and just have not had the time to read very much. :(

25. What was your greatest musical discovery? Katy Perry's song Firework.

26. What did you want and get? The ability to do some fun things with my family members that previously would have not been possible.

27. What did you want and not get? Well, I could say *thinner* except that I think if I really had wanted it, I would have made it happen. So, I don't know. If I didn't get it, I probably didn't really want it. That's my story for the moment, anyhow.

28. What was your favorite film of this year? Despicable Me. It is one of my top 5 favorite movies of all time, I think.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 39 this year and I do not remember much about it. My husband turned 40, though, and *that* was a whole lot of fun! Now I have to decide if I will have a big fat 40th birthday party for myself in a few months. What do you think?

30.What one thing would have made your year measurably more satisfying?
Completing more projects.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
Wearing what I have and buying almost nothing and desperately needing a change. 2011, here I come!

32. What kept you sane?
The patience and encouragement of my husband and children.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I can't think of anyone I fancy all that much. I always admire Oprah, though, and am looking forward to seeing how her new TV network will do.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Politics didn't stir me any more than usual, which is to say--almost not at all. I have been re-thinking some of my beliefs and am finding that my opinions have changed. Interesting process.

35. Who did you miss?
I still miss my Gram a lot. I think of her very often and enjoy having some keepsakes of hers that I use on a very regular basis.

36. Who was the best new person you met? Not a person, but our dog Brandi is a very dear soul and we are so happy we found her and she joined our family! Also, not a person, but my iphone is a wonderful companion and I would not want to have to live without her! Both of these are funny because I used to not really be a dog person, and I'm really not normally a technology enthusiast. We can call these Personal Growth items, then. Can't we?

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.
To continue to be true to myself.
To continue to be honest about the way I see things.
To continue to trust my instincts, since they have almost never steered me wrong.
To continue to try to understand the gifts that each person brings to the world, and to help those within my reach to live within the strength of those gifts and not try to be any other way than how they were created to be.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. Well, it's Firework, of course. It coincides perfectly with what I've been learning through other avenues, and I love the positive, encouraging message.

Cause, baby, you're a firework!
Come on, let your colors burst!

Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon,
It's always been in side of you, you, you,
And now it's time to let it through

Should Color-blindness Be The Goal?

2010-11-04T13:32:00.000-04:00

Back in February a friend of mine described a situation that made her sad. The platform was her Facebook page. The subject was colorblindness, or lack thereof. In relation to race.

This friend is a white woman who is married to a black man from Africa. They have two young daughters. We have been friends with them for probably at least 13 years, since they were just dating. They are lovely people.

The friend described a situation where she had her three year old daughter plus a friend at a play place in the mall. Her daughter accidentally ran outside the boundaries of the play area, and the mom was not aware of it. A man within the area said to her, "Ma'am, is that black girl with you?" (I assume he was trying to alert whatever adult was responsible for the child that was getting out of the safe area.)

So, the fact that the man described her daughter as black caused my friend to be sad, because she thought we were not supposed to "see color" in our country now.

Huh?

She had a ton of comments from people who saw this man's comment as ignorant, cruel, rude, stupid, and many other negatives. They wondered why didn't he say, "Is that little girl wearing purple with you?" or, "Is that beautiful little girl with you?"

Honestly, I thought it was absurd.

Here's a guy in the play place, trying to watch his own kid, and he sees a child getting out of the play area and no adult seems to be aware. He's looking around, trying to figure out which adult goes with the child. He makes a guess, and asks my friend if the child is with her. Except he dares to use the description of her apparent race.

He's a guy, for goodness sake. He's not going to mince words and describe her as "the girl in purple" any more than he's likely to notice her cute shoes or red hair bow. He's not going to risk seeming creepy by describing a stranger's child as "beautiful" or "adorable." This is Kentucky, you know. The guys are pretty down-home about stuff.

I wasn't aware that there was some move in society that actually discourages us from admitting that we can even *see* race. For some reason people OF COLOR are allowed to see race. I read and hear comments from people "of color" all the time that say racially distinctive things like, "For a white boy, he sure can play ball" or "for a white girl, she sure does have soul" or "I'm a strong Latino woman!" And then let's not forget Black History Month, or various black achievement awards. Why are these things ok, but a man describing a child as a black girl a horrible thing?

The idea that our society should be color blind is, to me, one that hasn't been thought through. It's like the short-lived "African-American" title, which quickly reverted to "black" (since not many "black" people living in this country have ever been African). There's nothing wrong with being whatever race or color that you are. When used solely as a description, there is no stigma or judgment attached to it. Choosing to be offended where none was intended is wrong.

Today a different friend on Facebook expressed her frustration of wondering if we are truly trying to be a color-blind society, why are surveys asking about our race? She was somehow equating this with inequality.

Again, it set off my BALONEY meter. Here is what I wrote:

I have seen people siting that we are "supposed to be a color-blind society" as a reason to be offended when people do still see color. I guess seeing color or identifying someone by color does not strike me as the same thing as not seeing people as equals. I was a part of a discussion about this awhile back and I am still trying to understand the point of view of those that posted there.

In the case of a survey, there are many pieces of demographic information collected such as race, income level, educational level, and zip code. All of these things are used, but I don't find it offensive that someone would identify me as a part of a larger group of people that I have factors in common with. Maybe it's true and maybe it isn't. That's the survey person's problem, not mine. :) Surely some surveys find that there are sharp differences between people that seem to fall along lines of these factors or others. Right? Are we supposed to pretend that people living near a border crossing would not have different opinions about immigration than people living far from the realities of the situation? Of course there is a difference. Same with a lot of other things.

Yes, humans share a lot in common. We also have a ton of variety. The point of most surveys is to understand where the varieties are and which groups of people tend to have which opinions.

The other day one of my daughter's friends at school made a comment, in jest, remarking that she was "such a white girl." We find stuff like that funny, not offensive. (and I felt vindicated that we had yet another example of my belief that Yes indeed, people do point out the whiteness of people, not just other colors or races. This is not automatically a put-down. Noticing the color of others is not a bad thing. I fear that this color-blind agenda is actually causing people to feel less comfortable around people of other colors, because they are not sure what is ok to say, if they constantly have to pretend that we are all the same color, and are unsure if they can ask questions pertaining to racial heritage or experience. I feel like it is a bad move that is not actually in favor of people being united. In this country, part of what our unity needs to be includes accepting and acknowledging differences and various heritages, not pretending they don't exist and don't matter. Each piece of the differences contributes to the whole.

I have no desire to live in a color-blind society. I do not believe that it would be positive or uniting for our society at all. Mutual respect does not mean that we must ignore differences. The end.

Score!

2010-11-03T18:44:00.002-04:00

Today I got some welcome deals. A woman in my homeschool group is preparing to move and is selling many items that they no longer have space for. I got some goodies!

1. A picnic table for $20! We have wanted a table for the back yard for awhile but hadn't gotten around to getting one. Great price, and it is wood and metal, all one piece, so the kids can't drag the benches all over the place, and the wind won't be able to blow it over like the plastic table we used to have.

2. Large bouncy exercise ball for $1! I used to have one (Back then it was a "birthing ball." The kids destroyed it in the back yard.) and I really love to sit and bounce on those. Good for your back, and bouncing is good for your health. And kids playing with a huge bouncy ball upstairs makes for a few hours of relative solitude for this mother. Yay!

3. An entertainment unit (to house our TV, etc.) for $25! We have a tall armoire that does this job right now, but we want to rearrange the furniture, etc. and because of the amount of windows in the family room, we have few options for the placement of the armoire. We wanted a lower storage option for keeping the TV and it's electronic cousins organized, and here it was! It's nothing flashy, but it's sturdy and will get the job done.

4. The most exciting purchase of the day is a new desk for just $20. My mom was kind enough to give me an office desk a couple years ago when I needed one, and it has been helpful. However, it is very, very large. (3 big sides, 18-24" deep) It takes up a fourth of our family room. And, sadly, although I was very excited about all of the space I would have, what it has turned into is a place for lots and lots of clutter to reside. Plus, because it is so big and dark, many things end up in the dark recesses of the underneath and seem to breed down there. So, between those issues, and the fact that we need to re-organize our family room, make more space, kill off clutter areas, etc., I was wanting a smaller, more efficient desk for my computer and all business stuff, and there it was! It is a light colored wood and pretty much just what I was hoping for, so I am very excited. The next two tasks will be to de-clutter the surface of the current huge desk and the drawers, and to find someone to pass the desk to. Between Craig's List and Freecycle, surely we can find a happy recipient.

Did They Have a Good Time?

2010-11-01T22:31:00.002-04:00

Yes they did!
I'm so glad I thought of offering the second day at the cabin as an adventure for my husband and the kids. It worked out great. :)
(I love it when a plan comes together)

There's No Place Like Home

2010-10-29T18:59:00.004-04:00

My husband sometimes thinks up ideas for us "getting away from it all" together. Often his suggestions have not been possible for a wide variety of reasons. And that bums him out. "You never say yes when I try to take you on a trip."

So this time when he asked me, I said yes. Right away.

The plan didn't have any of the usual hiccups. All of my usual reservations were already taken care of.

"Yes, darling! Let's go! And not only that....I'll raise your offer and suggest that we go for two days, not just one!"

The guy was pretty darn excited.

So we made our reservations and waited three weeks til the appointed time to go.

Bye kids! See you in a few days! Be good!

And then we got there.

We knew it was going to be a cabin in the woods. We knew it was a short hike to get to it. What we didn't know:

-the hike was up a steep mountainside and the trudging up there made my thighs feel like jello

-the photos showed two loveseats, but when we got there, there was only one. And it wasn't that comfy.

-we knew there was a loft for sleeping. What we didn't know is that you had to access it by ladder. Which isn't all that nice for someone like me that often gets up in the night to go to the bathroom, and has back troubles that make regular walking a challenge, let alone scaling a ladder while also trying to balance an iphone to use as a flashlight. (if I had dropped my iphone, boy oh boy that would have added severe insult to injury!)

-we hadn't realized there would be No Phone Service. No WiFi. No TV. We had brought books. We forgot to bring playing cards. We made a camp fire. We had some good conversations and went out to eat. But then 9pm came and we had done everything and for the first time in my life I was living what it means when they say "bored to tears." I cried. Literally.

-we hadn't realized that the bathroom would be of the bare essentials variety. Shower so narrow you can't bend to shave your legs. World's smallest toilet. No sink in there. You had to go out to the kitchenette for that. And the bathroom was stocked with toilet paper so thin, you might as well not bother. Oh. and the bathroom was, of course, located about 4 feet away from the single loveseat in the place. "Attention please! I am about to use the bathroom! Please be sure to hear every noise!" ugh.

-the water temperature was also ridiculously low, so no hot showers were possible

-we were not given enough towels to live on, but the trudge down the mountainside to ask for more was so unattractive that we just dealt with it

-we didn't know that the little dorm-sized fridge would actually turn out to be a freezer and make the food that we brought rather difficult to eat. Guacamole cubes, anyone?

-we didn't know how dependent we have become on the white noise of a fan in our bedroom. The dripping sink, 3 varieties of special noise from the ceiling fan, weird noises from the cabin itself, and of course the coyote howling outside the cabin (yes, seriously) would make it very, very hard to sleep. I am sure that I spent about 9 hours through the night with my face stuck in expressions that I would *not* want it to freeze in.

-we didn't know that the heater for this place would be utterly inadequate.

-we didn't know that simply using the coffee maker would short out the electrical circuits in the place.

-we didn't know that the water would taste weird and make the coffee taste horrible

-we didn't know that the utensils drawer was not very deep, and had no stopper to help you not pull it out all the way, sending all of the contents onto the floor. Then I got to hand wash every. single. item. Yay!

What we had really been hoping for on this trip was some time for serious rest and relaxation and of course some good time together as a couple. With just one not-very-comfortable place to sit, not enough heat, the ladder leading to and from the bed, and everything else, it definitely wasn't cutting it. The only thing keeping us there through the night was the fact that it would have been too treacherous for us to try to get down the mountainside in the dark. It was probably the longest night of my life.

It wasn't that it was a totally bad place. It was clean and didn't smell too weird and there were no bugs or mice in the cabin (that I saw). So, by most cabin standards, I guess pretty good. This place had been recommended to us, and we had heard glowing reports about other cabins there. What we learned was that the one we got was the one that hasn't been renovated in a super-nice way like the bigger ones have. Lucky us.

We ditched the place as soon as we could in the morning, but came up with a way to turn it into a win: My husband went back this afternoon with two of our boys, who have been wishing for a camping opportunity. I hope they have fun.

As for me, I was reminded all through the night of what I should have already remembered about myself:

-I do not like contrivances. (I even hate picnics because I think it's a stupid pain in the rear to take my food someplace else instead of just eating it at home.) I like real life much better.

-Taking a bunch of my stuff from the place where it normally is, to another place that I am unfamiliar with, rarely (if ever) results in a relaxing thing for me. I like to be home. I would have been happier using the money to improve something on the house, or pay someone to come do some deep cleaning. I like to spend time doing home improvement and then enjoying it forevermore. Trips to other places don't usually excite me. I have no travel bug whatsoever. Hopefully we can save ourselves some money and some frustration and remember this for the next time when one of us gets some crazy idea that we need to "get away" from our regular life.

This one's for you, Alana :)

2010-10-13T23:49:00.007-04:00

My we-go-back-a-long-way, real-life-friend Alana left a comment after my last post. Part of it said:

As someone who is no longer part of the protestant world, phenomena such as Vision Forum and the patriocentric movement are things I'm just now learning about and quite frankly, from where I sit, they astonish me. Part of what astonishes me is how very very fringe and "out there" these movements are when they are compared with 2000 years of Christian history. Same definitely can be said for the Pearls and the Above Rubies stuff. I'm glad I got out of where I was when I did.

I have been turning this comment over in my mind for a few days since first reading it. I'm surprised to hear you say this. Our time getting familiar with conservative Mennonites certainly gave us a new perspective on both a heavily patriocentric form of Christianity, as well as fringe beliefs and practices.

Since you're the one that has done all the heavy lifting in terms of learning the ins and outs of church history, I'd be interested to hear more about what your perspective is on how the historic Christian church has handled issues such as women's rights and family dynamics. When I read what you had to say in your comments, what I thought of was this video and all of the quotes from history about the attitudes and beliefs about women in Christianity. Knowing that it was even a matter of debate at one point in history as to whether or not women had souls is enough to shake me from thinking that there has been some excellent, fair-minded perspective on women in 2000 years of church history. I believe there was serious tinkering going on with the translation for the King James Bible as well, thanks to people with an agenda that wasn't exactly God's word.

From my perspective, it seems like Jesus was a revolutionary feminist, but once he was off the scene, women were treated like crap for most of the last 2000 years, and in many cases still are today. So, tell me what you know, girlfriend. :) I could use some good news.

I have seen this video many times, and it grips me each time. What woman would want to sign up to follow a religion like this? (clickety-click on the video to go watch it in the right width at youtube. Much better.)

**Post Edit: Alana generously shared her response in the comments. Please check them out! Thank you, Alana. I appreciate you taking the time to share. I'm going to look all of this over and think about it. Maybe it will result in a future blog post. :)

Escape, FLDS, and some parallels

2010-10-09T20:03:00.005-04:00

Today I finished reading Escape by Carolyn Jessop. This is her story of living in the FLDS and finally escaping it with her 8 children. It is a compelling story that kept my attention even though it wasn't as well-written as it might have been. Carolyn does a good job of telling stories that explain the extremely unhealthy situations she was in, including abuses that are truly mind-blowing.

When I finished reading today I spent some time thinking about the many parallels I saw between some of the FLDS beliefs, and that of things being taught by people like Michael and Debi Pearl, Above Rubies magazine, Vision Forum, and others.

The greatest parallel I saw was the one about a woman's place of total submission, total turning-off-her-brain-in-all-ways-not-approved-by-her-husband, and for the man, complete control along with lack of accountability. I think that any system that requires total submission by one person and total control by the other person is a situation inviting abuse. While not all men would turn abusive in a situation like this, many will, and even in the more mainstream Christian community, the message to women is that they aren't doing enough of the right things:

Debi Pearl is quite vocal in teaching women that they are the cause of all of their unhappiness. Her book Created to Be His Help Meet drives home the point, letting women know that putting on a happy face and having sex with her husband as often as possible are the answers to a happy life. In Debi's world, like the FDLS situation described in the book, sex is the main currency that a wife has in a marriage.

I watched a video by Debi Pearl the other day. She was talking about how it is important for a couple to discuss all of their differences before getting married, because once you are married, there is no more give and take; the husband's way will be the only way after that point. In a nice relationship with a benevolent man this might turn out ok. But what about the guy who takes advantage of knowing how his future wife has been raised, so he tells her what she wants to hear before the wedding, and then goes his own way after the deal is sealed? I can't help but think that must happen at least some of the time. According to Debi's teachings, the wife is stuck, and that's ok. Smile! More sex. Accept. The end.

Nancy Campbell uses her magazine Above Rubies to encourage women to embrace even the worst situations for health, sanity, and safety with faith that God will come through for them. The magazine is often filled with stories of the fortunate minority that survived extreme circumstances related to childbirth or their marriage, held up as encouraging examples for the rest of the world. What about the great majority who will not survive their similar circumstances? We do not read about those in Above Rubies.

Doug Philips of Vision Forum decided to take a strong stand earlier this year against women getting medical attention for tubal pregnancies. Yes, that's right. According to Doug it would be better for a mother to die from having her fallopian tube rupture than to have the tubal pregnancy removed. Considering that his followers are commonly not using birth control and having lots and lots of kids, I fear for the many women who will find themselves in a life-threatening situation and feel that they must give up their life for a child that will not be able to live regardless. And what about the faithful men who will feel pressured to encourage their wives to sacrifice their own lives? He gets left with no wife and a house full of young children without a mother. Easy for Doug to say. What an abominable person he is.

Tonite I re-read my posts from April-June 2008 (you can find them through the Current Events category) about the FLDS situation where the YFZ ranch was raided and the children taken into foster care for months. After reading in Escape about the grievous situation that this group was in, I wondered if I would feel differently about anything I said then.

Well, I don't.

I still think it is very complex. I think it is not a good idea to try to prosecute cults based on their religious beliefs. Yes, I am in favor of getting after them for illegal behavior (and it seems that wackos usually have illegal behavior going on in addition to their religious teachings), but I think it is mighty subjective to start saying that the government has the right to interfere with whatever people think is the right way to live. I can think of so many groups that have "survivors" who would say they were damaged by the teachings of their religion. Most are considered pretty mainstream and normal. In a nation where we have religious freedom, unfortunately, that sometimes results in groups that believe and practice things that we do not like or think are healthy. I would still prefer religious freedom over the alternative.

I think that if anyone really wanted to help those people at the YFZ ranch, they should have made efforts to get helpful information to the women and children about resources for escape, options for education or birth control or whatever else they may have felt they needed. In a raid situation, this group had to stick together even tighter than ever, no matter how bad their situation might really have been.

Escape is worth a read if you have an interest in the subject or just like a compelling story. It certainly gives some interesting things to think about. If you are a fan of Big Love, you will see many similarities to the Juniper Creek group. And if you are watching TLC's new show Sister Wives, Escape will be quite a contrast.

I come from strong women

2010-10-03T07:27:00.000-04:00

Once upon a time in the late 1940s there were two families.

One family, a husband and wife, were childless. Unable to have babies of their own.

The other family had a husband with tuberculosis who was living at a sanitarium for his health, two toddlers having to live with relatives in order to keep them cared for, and a hard-working wife working as a nurse and trying to keep her family together as best she could under the dire financial circumstances she was in.

Oh. And she was pregnant.

An extremely tough situation. Ill husband. Living with a mean-spirited mother. Unable to even care for the two small children she already had. Tough pregnancy. Still having to work. Back up against a wall.

They made the decision to allow their baby to be adopted by the childless couple, who they knew and worked with.

This was during a time when open adoptions were not done. Often children grew up not even knowing they were adopted. Yet these two couples were brave. They had to trust each other.

The baby was my mother.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My mom grew up knowing she was adopted. When she was married she found out more about the unique circumstances surrounding her adoption. She was offered the opportunity to meet her birth mother, but due to the various family dynamics and so on, she didn't do it.

Over the years my mom kept thinking about the few details she knew. A last name. Names of her two siblings. General areas where they might live. Remember when the library had a bunch of phone books from all over the country? Yeah. Sometimes she would look up the names she knew to see if she could find her sister or brother.

This spring she got onto ancestry.com and did a little casual digging, which turned up a jackpot of information. Her birth mother Emily passed away several years ago. The obituary listed not only my mom's two full siblings, but six *more* half siblings, plus step-siblings!

Through the winding road of the wonderful world of google and facebook, my mom did her research, and has been in contact with several of her siblings for awhile now. Her mother spoke of my mom often as a part of their family life, so all of the siblings knew about her. My grandparents had sent photos of my mom as she was growing up, so they were familiar with those and compared themselves to her and wondered what she was like.

It has been really interesting to learn more about my mom's birth mother and their life. I am so proud of the two strong women that my grandmothers were. To dare to make an open adoption work in a time when it just was not done....wow! For my mom's birth mother to make such a tough choice in the face of extreme hardships....wow! For her to hand pick a couple that she knew to be good people that she could trust to take good care of her baby....wow! I admire these couples so much.

I've written about my Gram several times. She was such a wonderful grandmother. I still miss her so much. How thankful I am that my mom made her way to the arms that she did. And I'm thankful to her birth mom Emily for choosing well.

We are quite pleased to have a DVD of a serious of interviews with Emily from a few years before she died. She was a spirited lady who loved adventure. I am enjoying getting to know her a bit. What a great thing that one of my mom's sisters could send us a copy of the recording. Each sibling that she has been in touch with has been so welcoming and happy to get to know her. It has been a very positive experience so far.

It is really amazing to think of all the twists and turns that happen in life to get us to where we end up. Isn't it?

Waiting for the other shoe to drop

2010-10-01T00:40:00.003-04:00

I wrote a difficult email the other day. It was to my father. It contained some hard things that I felt needed to be said, and the worst was that I felt I had to decline his offer/request to come visit us.

My relationship with my father has been a difficult one. We went without any communication for over ten years. Since I made the effort to reconnect with him 7 years ago it has been ok, though odd and uncomfortable at times. In the last few months he had told me things that have been downright disturbing. And then he wanted to come visit us.

There is no way I can do that right now.

It is hard to explain a lifetime dysfunctional relationship in a single blog post. And I am certainly not going to attempt it in multiple posts. So, you will have to realize that there are a whole lot of things that are being left out of this story right now.

I am not the only one with issues with my father. Neither of my siblings have any contact with him, and for them it is going on 18 years or so.

My father was not a child molester. We never saw him beat my mom. He was not an alcoholic. I believe he tried to do better for us than his parents did for him. He did many good things for us and with us. He was proud of his kids and enjoyed watching us grow and accomplish things.

But he also brought a lot of pain, sadness, and other negatives into our lives.

Over the years I have asked myself what exactly it was that has kept us all at a distance from him. I know that there are lots of people in the world with crappy fathers, and they still talk on the phone, go help him mow his lawn, and invite him for Thanksgiving. So what was different for us? I could not put a label on it. Recently my brother said the perfect word:

Toxicity.

My father's behavior is inherently toxic. He would choose revenge and bitterness over forgiveness, even to the point of his own destruction. The past 18 years of his life are a perfect example. He went from not consistently paying child support, to not paying it at all (for my two dependent, minor siblings at the time), to saying that he would rather go to jail than pay one red cent to my mother, and then he got his wish and spent about six months in jail for non-payment. And from there he proceeded to live a hard life of trying to exist without a driver's license, and with under-the-table jobs so that he could avoid having his wages garnished by the state to pay the child support. He has been homeless, jobless,penniless, and hungry. All to keep "winning" at his game of revenge.

My siblings got to see that there was no unconditional fatherly love available for them. He prized his anger over everything else.

In the meantime my mother was struggling as a single parent of two teens, trying to get through nursing school so she could support herself and her kids, and having a pretty hard time financially. My younger sister actually put herself through our Christian school for her senior year thanks to her part time after-school job, because she didn't want to have to switch schools for her senior year.

Both of my siblings went on to college without the benefit of any fatherly support, either financial or otherwise. They went without cars, worked a lot, saved a lot, and in short basically had a tough row to hoe for everything they ever achieved, which was a lot. (1 degree for my brother plus world travel and more, and 2 master's degrees for my sister)

It is interesting to me that even back in the 1980s and early 1990s, although there was no mention (that I recall) in popular media about 'eliminating negative people from your life' like there is today, each of his children (and his wife) instinctively knew that this toxic relationship could not be maintained. He played a role in this, too. His toxic behavior worked to distance himself and alienate those that were close to him. In the end his own (toxic) mother did not even want him mentioned in her obituary, and the (toxic) extended family went on to "honor" that wish.

It's some baaaad joojoo. That's what.

My father has told me several times since we have been back in contact, that he is not the man he used to be; that he is damaged badly; that he is mentally damaged from the years of hardship he has endured.

I believed him. I really did.

But recently I have seen and experienced some examples of this that really drove the point home for me.

So now I see a little more clearly. And I can't have him visit us.

I don't want to deal with the severe drain of stress that an extended visit with him would surely bring.
I don't want him spending an extended period of time around my children.
I have serious concerns that he might not even be safe to have staying with us.

And although I know those things clearly, it is still very hard. Hard to think it, hard to tell him, and hard to live it.

When I have had to witness his toxicity, it really shakes me up. It is deeply sad. My father is a man who had a lot of potential at one point. Seeing his life wasted as it has been these past 18 years is a real shame.

Some people got great dads that dote on the grandchildren and give wise advice and help out when times are hard.

Not me.

There was a certain amount of peace for the years that there was no contact. I had no idea where he was or if he was alive. I was busy. Life flew by as I was raising six children.

But I never felt completely at ease with the way things were. What kind of example was I setting for my own children, to have no relationship with my own father? How could I live out the command to honor your parents with a decade of silence for one of them? I could never reconcile those things. So I took a chance and reached out. Some of the results have been positive. Much has been neutral. And recently, quite a bit of hard stuff.

So here I am.

One of these days I will get a return email from him with his response to what I had to say. I did my best to be kind, but honest, about how shaken I have been by his recent behavior, and how I feel unable to handle having him come visit us.

I feel sorry for him getting an email like that. He seems to not have much positive in his life, and I hate to take away his dream of coming to visit us. It makes me feel ill, really, to deal with this, even though it is clear to me what I needed to say.

Every time I check my email I am bracing myself. This is one of those heavy stress items that gets dragged around behind me all day and all night, wearing on me, poking holes in my energy and causing it to leak out.

It stinks.

Quota

2010-09-28T21:18:00.000-04:00

My youngest asked what else we were having for dinner. I told him veggies. He said,"veggies?! Veggies! I've had, like, a thousand veggies in my life! How many more is it gonna take?!". I guess he thought we were trying to meet a quota.

Poetic

2010-09-25T13:04:00.000-04:00

Overheard my 7 year old say to his brother:

"A bunch of snot was unleashed, and came running out of my nose."

wow.

Berf

2010-09-24T13:05:00.001-04:00

Earlier today I had a yogurt that my youngest wanted.

Youngest: "why do YOU get one and I don't?"

Me: "because I'm special."

Youngest: "why are YOU so special?!"

5th child: "because she's the mother that gave us birth!"
(which sounded like "berf")

Yes. I am the berf-er. The end.

Solution!

2010-09-20T08:35:00.001-04:00

About a month ago I agreed to do a postcard exchange among members of one of my email groups. I thought it would be neat for my kids to get postcards from all over the place.

But I wasn't thinking about how many people might sign up to be a part of this, or the cost of postcards and postage.

Oy.

50 people signed up. So....that's going to get a little pricey.

And then I couldn't find postcards anywhere that I thought sold them.

Ugh.

I found one place online, and it was going to cost over $40 to order the cards I needed. And then of course I would have to address and write about our state on every. single. card.

Plus pay to mail them.

Oh lawsy.

As I was about to bite the bullet tonite and fork over $43 for the postcards, I thought of vistaprint.

Oh vistaprint, how I love thee.

Thankfully, it was not too hard to find a postcard in stock there that had horses on it, which is one of the things Kentucky is famous for.

I found that vistaprint offers a service where they will mail your cards for you.

Bingo! I designed my own Kentucky post card, had our message with interesting trivia about Kentucky printed on the back, and entered all of the addresses of the recipients. For just $2 more than I was going to spend on *just* the cards, I am getting the cards, the printed message, the postage, AND the whole thing FINISHED AND NEVER COMING TO MY HOUSE TO WAIT FOR ME TO DO IT.

And I like that a whole bunch.

Now I have learned my $45 lesson to never sign up to do this again.

But we are enjoying the postcards that are coming to us from all over. Very cool!

I Feel a Need for the List

2010-09-19T20:14:00.002-04:00

I'm feeling very overwhelmed by the amount of things still on my To Do list today, so have decided to make one of those wonderful lists of good things I have done today:

Single-handedly got the kids to church today, participated, visited with friends there, coordinated one social outing for a teen, plus kept the four youngest kids longer than anybody else their age, in order to help take down all of the chairs and equipment. It was a good opportunity for them to serve.

Resisted the impulse to buy pizza on the way home. Instead pressed on with four hungry boys and ate lunch at home. Managed to make it fun, too!

Had a phone call with the husband discussing some issues that needed to be dealt with. Tiring, but ended up good.

Had my afternoon hijacked by an unforeseen problem that required me to drive an hour, spend an hour, plus take up a lot of physical and mental energy, but did it anyhow and managed to have a good attitude about it.

Fed all children and pets. And self.

Endured a conversation with one of my children about a recurring theme, and stuck to my guns, did my best to strike a fine balance between encouragement and tough love. Did not go bonkers like I actually wanted to.

Had kids do some chores even though they are not being very cooperative and I am tired. I could have let it slide, but things are getting pretty messy here, so I had to get *something* accomplished to beat back this mess.

Good deeds that remain to be done this evening:
-completing middle school paperwork for tomorrow morning
-helping new middle schooler pack her lunch and backpack
-hopefully going to bed at a decent hour

The End

This Might Just Be the Undoing Of Me

2010-09-18T23:03:00.004-04:00

A teenage daughter. That's what.

I see now how lucky I was. My first teenager was my son who is so much like me and it is very, very easy for me to understand him and for us to get along. We are two peas in a pod in many ways.

When he got into the teen years, yes, I will admit that there were tricky times. Overall, though, I was the Teen Whisperer. My husband would be frustrated and bewildered, but I possessed the natural skills to calm the stormy seas between the two of them, and to act as an interpreter when they could not understand each other.

How nice that was.

Now, I suspect it may be my husband's time to shine, because the way things are going so far with my daughter.....clearly I am outside of my skill set.

I would say that out of ten times that I engage in talking to her, trying to include her in something, or in any other way communicate with her, 6-8 of those times will be met with one of the following:

-eye-rolling
-sarcasm
-negativity
-a look of extreme boredom
-rude behavior of some other sort

I am not a parent who accepts getting run over by crap behavior. Although I certainly do understand the hormonal difficulties and other troubles of this age, I also believe that we can choose to have kind behavior to one another.

So I mention it. I coach. I lovingly correct. I discipline. I come down hard when I need to.

But, this is a child with a special strength to her personality. Which is very, very good in many ways. But not good when it results in strong resistance to being corrected.

She seems stubbornly committed to snotty behavior. And it might just be the end of me.

It feels like it has been going on for a long time now. I am not the only victim of her bad attitude. Her siblings deal with it all day long as well, so I have ample opportunities to continue to correct, defend, model appropriate behavior, and so on. (and get argued with, and get eyes rolled at me, and to have her stay in her bedroom as much as humanly possible)

It isn't catching on, people. Not with this one. Not right now.

Logic tells me that she will outgrow this. Experience tells me that this child doesn't always outgrow stuff. (I thought she would outgrow her picky eater stage as a preschooler. She didn't. And now she has serious difficulties with eating normally. It's not fun for any of us.)

Yesterday I took her out to shop. We have decided to let her go to middle school. Monday is her first day. She needed shirts with collars in order to meet the dress code. So off we went, in search of shirts. Which you would think would make a teenager happy.

It was hard to find the kind of shirts she needs. It took a long time. We were wilting. She got snottier and snottier as the day wore on. It was horrible. I was doing my best to hunt down the right kind of shirts and dig out her size and show them to her and of course never (ever!) act like I care if she picks this one or that one because it is a rule for mothers of teenagers to not try to pressure them into dressing a certain way. (thankfully, I really don't care what she wears, so I have no internal struggle on this. The trick is to not let any inflection of your voice make the kid even suspect that you are trying to talk them into anything....)

At one point she had been so rude, unthankful, and unpleasant that I seriously, seriously considered turning right around and marching back to the car and ending the shopping trip. Under other circumstances I would have. Under these circumstances, this was our only opportunity to get this done before she needs the clothes, we live a long way from the mall, and I could not foresee a time in the near future when her father or I could take her back to continue the hunt.

So it went on. With me working at not bursting into tears.

All-in-all, we finally got some shirts, I got a seriously aching back, we got to have a fight in the car on the way home, and I got to cry myself to sleep over this.

Yes, seriously.

I'm sure some psychologist would say that my daughter and I are both afraid of the upcoming changes of her going to school, or of her growing up, or some other thing.

Somebody else might blame it on PMS. (thankfully there are only two females in our household who can synchronize our menstruation, and thus our PMS as well....)

I don't know what to blame it on, but I don't like it. Not one bit.

As I recall, my snotty-teenager days were short-lived, and I think ended when I was 13. I had witnessed some very loving mother-daughter relationships at our church mother-daughter banquet, and realized that I could make the choice to just enjoy my mom, who I already realized was a really fun and cool person. While I'm sure I was not a perfect angel for every minute of the rest of my growing up, I know that the choice I made that day stuck with me and served me (and our whole family, I'm sure) very well. It would sure be nice if my daughter could figure something like that out.

My husband had (yet another) talk with her today, after listening to me cry last night. I don't know what he said to her, but she has been trying to be nicer today. It has gone well. Somehow, I feel like a person afraid of getting bitten by a snake. I am thankful that she has been nice, but I am kinda nervous around her.

It's not how I want to feel about my own kid.

(sigh)

"Can't go under it...
Can't go over it...
Can't go around it....
Gotta go through it!"

Pray for me. She's only 14. God have mercy.

Ten Easy Steps to Leaving Town for Vacation

2010-09-17T12:05:00.000-04:00

Step 1: Diligently pack van the night before, and wake up on time for an early departure.

Step 2: Excited children announce the water is all over the floor in the family room. Discover that the hot water heater has decided to die.

Step 3: Call husband who is driving home from work to let him know the "good news" and listen to his near-hysterical cackle in response to the excitement. Turn off water to house. Have children assist in mopping up water and picking up wet items from all over the family room. Bonus: There are now at least two new loads of laundry to deal with before your trip!

Step 4: Husband arrives home. Dovetail efforts to A.) drain hot water heater, B.) keep cats out of the house (we do NOT want a stowaway cat left in the house while we are gone!), C.) finish packing, D.) answer the "how much longer?!" questions from every child under the age of 20, and E.) keep people gainfully occupied and burning off their pre-trip excitement.

Step 5: Husband and oldest son drive to fetch new hot water heater. They return in about an hour. Proceed to wrestle gargantuan 80 gallon dead hot water heater out of the house, and wrestle the new one in. Children are instructed to get some bricks from the back yard to achieve desired height for new hot water heater, but they are very slow because of their fear of the spiders living near the bricks. (sigh)

Step 6: Desired height of hot water heater achieved. Husband succeeds in hooking it up to the water, water to house turned on again. Let the filling begin!

Step 7: Complete filling almost achieved when a leak (a leak!!) is revealed. Resist desire to say bad words. Call Whirlpool to find out what next. Good news! They will replace the unit. Bad news: You have to drain the new unit, wrestle it back out of the house, return to store, get a new one, and start all over again. (the first time was only a drill! Second time is the real deal!)

Step 8: Get new unit and return home. Field constant questions from children like, "What time will we be leaving?!" Feed children at fast food restaurants since all the food on hand was eaten in preparation for being gone away for a week. Husband-wife pow-pow to discuss relative merits of leaving today (12 hour drive) and arriving in the middle of the night, vs. waiting until the next morning to leave. Husband and son install yet another hot water heater. Let the filling begin again!

Step 9: Oh-so-very-bravely decide to do one of those loads of laundry plus run the dishwasher and get to (finally!) flush the toilets, to get things going and see how the new system holds up. So far, so good.

Step 10: Husband declares himself fit to travel after this already strenuous day. Family departs at 3:15pm. Studly husband drives the entire way, arriving safely at destination around 3am. What a man!

My Favorite iPhone Apps

2010-09-16T23:41:00.002-04:00

Not being a technology enthusiast, I never jump on the shiny-new-latest-greatest bandwagon. I had the same tricycle cell phone for probably 5 or 6 years, as it was gradually falling apart. Eventually it died 100% and I had to break down and buy something else. And the guy at the store convinced me that an iphone would actually be the easiest thing for me to get used to, so I decided to give it a try.

I was enamored with my new phone within about 5 minutes of driving away from the place. And now I feel like my iphone is as important to me as a computer with internet service. If I had known how it could help me be so much more efficient, organized, informational...well....I would have got one awhile back. Nobody told me that stuff, so I had no idea what I was missing.

Well, now I do. And I love this thing.

I thought I would share with you some of my favorite apps so far. Most have been free. A few I have paid $1-3 for:

Facebook: makes it quick and easy to stay in touch on FB

Pandora radio: create your own radio stations based on the music you like. Just enter the name of an artist you enjoy, and the station will play that music as well as similar stuff. You give it a quick thumbs up or thumbs down to hear it again or never again. I have stations for various moods and genres that I enjoy.

iBooks: Easy to download books, and much there is free. I have not had an interest in buying a kindle or nook or reading this way, but now that I have experienced it, I like it. I do not think it will ever replace my enjoyment of real books, but it is nice to always have a book (or dozens of books) handy, and nobody lost my bookmark!

Kindle (same as above)
Nook (same as above)

Grocery IQ: Super cool! Easily scan the bar codes on the groceries you normally buy. This app makes categorized lists for you so forevermore you will actually have your shopping list on hand whenever you end up at the grocery store. Easy to use, easy to tweak. Love this!

ToDo Tomorrow: I like To Do lists, but more often than not, a whole lot of it ends up rolling over to the next day. This app makes it easy. I add the stuff to my list, and at the end of the day when I give up on the two-thirds of the stuff that didn't get done, I just tap an arrow and shove it all over to the next day. A procrastination supporter at it's best! :)

P Tracker Lite: Hmmm....why am I cranky and emotional? What day is it? Is my period almost here? Just check your P Tracker to see how many days out you are from P-Day.

Memory Pro Free: Do you or your kids like to play memory match games? This one is portable and easy to do! Can be adjusted from super easy to more complex.

Talking Carl: Worth every penny of the dollar or whatever that it cost me. This lovable character will talk back to you in a funny voice, plus you can poke and tickle him and get him making funny sounds. If you believe laughter is the best medicine, you need this. The giggle is contagious for all ages, and definitely gives a lift anytime you need it. Fun!

Whirly Word: I found this while looking for an app for Text Twist, which I like to play online. As it turned out, at least while I was looking, Text Twist seems to not have a good working app, so I gave this a try. I enjoyed it, although I played it so much that eventually the same words were coming up again and again.

Jumbline: After I wore out Whirly Word I found Jumbline which cost a dollar or two, and I like it very much. You can choose 5, 6, or 7 letter words. They are more challenging than Whirly Word or Text Twist. I like to give that part of my brain a stretch, and this is a fun way to do it. Also fun for the kids, especially emerging spellers.

Complete Sight Words: Dolch sight word flash cards for my kids, plus a hangman game. This cost a couple dollars and was well worth it. The flashcards can read themselves to the child, or can be set to be silent unless the child taps the word to hear what it is. Has all levels from pre-primer up to 3rd grade and the nouns. Very helpful, and SO nice to always know where *all* the flash cards are!

Unblock Me free: An interesting and challenging puzzle game. We all play it, ages 7-40. Great for logic, spacial reasoning, and a good brain stretch.

ePuzzle: Another good puzzle for the brain. Remember those slide-y puzzles with the little squares that you moved around into the one clear space until you made the right picture? This is like that, except with numbers. You have to get them into the right order.

U Connect: A different kind of puzzle game. Soothing and challenging as well. Interesting for all ages at our house.

Tangrams LE: a free tangram program. Fun for all.

Fandango: Are you ever in the car or in an area you are not familiar with and think that maybe you would like to see a movie someplace? Having Fandango handy helps a whole lot! Search for the movie you want, and in many cases you can even purchase tickets in advance instead of having to wait in line!

Netflix: Now you can watch Instant Play movies on your iphone. Sweet!!

Positivity: A free app that shares uplifting and inspirational quotes. I love it.

Flashlight Free: Do you ever need a flashlight? This app is for you! Easy to use. Also offers crazy lights like strobe and other fun stuff.

Goby: If you are looking for stuff to do and don't know what's going on or where to go, Goby will help.

Onion News Network: If you have a sense of humor that appreciates The Onion, you will love this. Laugh your head off at their latest videos on your phone.

Web MD: Medical information with me at all times. I like that. Search symptoms, conditions, drugs and treatments, first aid information, local health information, etc.

ITriage: Gives info on symptoms, you can store your own health info there which can be great for remembering facts while visiting various doctors, call 911 right from the app if you need to, etc.

Bible from Life Church TV: Easy to use in church, easy to use to study, reading plans available too. Nice!

Vacation Photos

2010-09-16T23:07:00.000-04:00

Cauliflower Curry

2010-09-16T10:25:00.000-04:00

I don't mind telling you that I'm not an adventurous eater. I am not a person who wants to travel the world to taste food everywhere. I have never lived anywhere that had Indian, Cuban, or any other authentic ethnic cuisine. I grew up on all-American food, with Americanized Italian food on the side. :)

So, all of that to say I have little-to-no experience with curry. Normally, if I had seen this recipe in a book I would not have even considered making it. If I had looked at the ingredients, double that. But thankfully, my mom made this while we visited her last week and Oh-me-oh-my! this is Soooooo Gooood! My husband and some of the kids loved it too. And I have been dreaming of making it here at home ever since.

Today's the day!

I love crock pot recipes that don't ask me to do much beyond throw everything in the pot. If I have to pre-cook stuff, to me it kinda loses the point. Well, this is one of those easy-peasy recipes, so, give it a try! (ok, you will have to chop some stuff....can you handle it? :) )

Throw into the crock pot:

4 cups cauliflowerets (fresh or frozen)

3 medium tomatoes seeded and chopped (2+ cups) or the equivalent of canned diced tomatoes (get cans without BPA please!)

1 medium onion, chopped

1 14-ounce can coconut milk (not cream of coconut) (I'm not really sure how healthy this is, so report back to me if you have anything to say about it. There is no sugar in it, but there were some preservatives. I found mine by Chinese food at the grocery store.)

1 Tablespoon soy sauce, or you could substitute Bragg's liquid aminos

1.5 teaspoon (not 15!) curry powder

half a teaspoon sea salt

half a teaspoon dried crushed basil

Cook on low 4-6 hours.
Shortly before you want to eat, stir in 6 ounces fresh organic spinach. Cover and continue to heat on low for 10-15 minutes or so.

The perfect accompaniment to this is organic brown rice. If you have a rice cooker and will not be home while this is cooking, use it!

Experiments I look forward to trying with this:
-throwing already-cooked rice into the pot for the last hour of the cook time
-you could add cut up bits of cooked chicken to this as well
-the recipe book I saw this in suggested topping this with chopped peanuts, raisins, and/or shredded coconut. I would not have thought of any of those, but now it sounds really yummy.

This is very warm, soothing, comfort food. Perfect for fall and winter! Be brave and give it a try. Let me know how you like this. :)

Tight Spaces

2010-09-15T01:08:00.005-04:00

We were recently on a road trip that takes us through tunnels under mountains during the journey. My kids love going through the tunnels, but for me, I do some extra deep breathing and keep looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. I do not like tight spaces, and find that my uncomfortableness with them seems to have increased in recent years.

Tonite I was thinking about some things and realized that there is a parallel between my discomfort with tight spaces and how I have been feeling lately: overwhelmed by the needs of others. Or, over-needed, perhaps.

Between the needs of the kids, the home, my husband, homeschooling, not homeschooling, learning disabilities, guidance of older teens growing into adulthood (and needing much more guidance than you might expect!), businesses and customers, my employment as a caregiver to a handicapped person, friends, and so on, it can feel like a lot. Although I consistently work to simplify, I also consistently work to do well at serving the ones I love and meeting the needs they have in good ways. But, when one is over-needed, there doesn't seem to be a way to get a break.

You could call it a tight space, I think.

This is one thing about life, marriage, motherhood, and all the rest that I find interesting: you cannot necessarily anticipate how long of a marathon you can run, or how well you can run it. You may start out slow or fast or medium speed, with varying levels of style, form, talent, and energy. But you don't know when you might get a hitch in your giddyup, shin splints, or come upon a road block or landslide. And then what? Nothing stops for you---you just have to figure out how to continue to carry on.

It doesn't really seem fair.

And then you realize that you're on this treadmill for life. Which doesn't help.

Thank God that we usually get a second (third, fourth....) wind. We sure do need 'em, don't we?

It Will Cost You, and Rightfully So

2010-09-07T21:04:00.007-04:00

My kids aren't all grown up yet. The oldest is 18, but as far as proof in the pudding and all that jazz, I don't have that much of it. (proof or pudding) Yes, my kids are pretty cool and are doing well in many ways. I'm pleased with who they are. But most of my deeper parenting issues are still in the wait-and-see-how-it-will-turn-out phase.

While I try to have a healthy amount of modesty and self-depreciation about my parenting, there are some things I am willing to be brave about and dare to say how I think it should be. If it turns out I'm wrong, maybe I will post a retraction here on this blog in five or ten years. Tune in to see!

What I want to talk about is sacrifice. Good parenting requires personal sacrifice. Many people think they understand this, but they are not really ready to dig in their heels and continue to sacrifice when it goes in directions that are too inconvenient and costly.

Good parenting requires strong leadership and strong character. If you do not have one or both of these traits, hopefully you will develop those muscles as your parenting journey unfolds. If you don't, I hope that you have been blessed with good-natured, hard-working, stable-minded children who will be able to thrive despite those lacks.

We've had a couple things come up recently that I thought I would share as examples of the kind of sacrifice I have found necessary in order to teach and lead my children in the way I think they will most benefit from.

Our oldest son got his driver's permit when he was 16, but the deal was that he was not going to get his license until he could afford to pay his part of the car insurance. While I do not think this is a must for every family, in our case we thought it was important. I had been encouraging him to seek employment since he was 14 or 15 in order to save money for this time in his life, and he had not done it. So now he had no money and no prospects for earning any. And right away he was saying to me, "I see now why I should have tried harder to get a job back when you were telling me that." Uh huh. Yep.

Reasons why we wanted him to pay his own insurance:
-To connect the privilege of driving with the financial responsibility, as well as the personal responsibility to seek, obtain, and maintain employment

Sacrifices we made to wait it out while he got to this point:
-We were driving him around for 12 months that he could have been eligible for a license, including taking up two days every week of driving him 45 minutes each way to some classes he was taking, and disrupting our homeschool schedule and complicating other schedules. This was happening while gas prices were getting pretty crazy too. It cost us a lot of time and money and inconvenience. It would have been cheaper for us to just pay for his insurance ourselves. But the long term goal was more important that the short-term ease.

Eventually he got some odd jobs and earned some decent money and was in a position to pay for his insurance and he got his license. He now pays us monthly for his part of the car insurance, and has also taken over paying his portion of the cell phone bill. Little by little, we will both encourage him to become an accomplished saver, as well as to take over the costs of his adult life. We're raising a man here, not a boy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

My new licensed driver got a speeding ticket, going 24 miles per hour over the speed limit. Not cool. At all. He gets to appear in court (the only option was court) to deal with this ticket and whatever consequences there are. He will be paying for the entire cost of the ticket, and it is possible that he might even have his license suspended because he was still a probationary driver when this happened.

Know what? We're not going to try to fix it or make it softer for him. We will go with him to court. We are not angry at him. We will encourage him to accept whatever happens. He needs to experience the consequences of this. If it means he has no license for 90 days, so be it. Then he can see how that will impact his life. Kinda hard to have a job and pay your bills without a driver's license, you know?

I'm not a hard-hearted parent. I love my kids like crazy. I love 'em enough to let them experience the consequences of their mistakes, because I would rather have him fully experience the costs of his behavior now, rather than be an irresponsible husband or father someday because he never had to face up to his actions.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We have taught our kids for as long as they could understand, about saving, paying cash, and staying out of debt. With our oldest son we are now where the rubber meets the road with this stuff. He is still in his final year of homeschooling, but is 18, so has adult options in the wide world. We will not be buying him a car, but are encouraging him to work and save his money to buy one. What we have done is kept a third vehicle of ours for him to drive since when he works it would be difficult for us to just have two vehicles. We're not giving him the car, but it is available to him on a temporary basis while he gets up on his own two feet with a car of his own.

My husband started considering some other options for what to do about this third car. He was seeing financial benefits to us of selling the third car, buying something adequate for our son with the proceeds, and then letting our son pay us for the car in installments. Later in discussing it together, we realized: this was missing the point. I neither want my son in debt for a car to a car dealership or a bank OR his parents. I think it is important for him to work, save, discipline himself, make a purchase within his budget, and reap the satisfaction of having a completely paid for car that he earned by the sweat of his brow. I believe he will appreciate it more, take better care of it, and more importantly, he will have gotten over yet another hurdle in how to manage his money and make wise financial decisions that will have a huge positive impact on the rest of his life and his own family someday.

What it costs us to live this out:
-The cost of maintaining a third car.
-Also, the third car is a gas guzzler, so that costs my son more to drive.
-The risk of our son damaging the third car (which he already has, mildly) and us losing the resale value even further.

What I believe will be gained by sticking with it:
-A young man who knows how to work, save, discipline, plan, and appreciate what he has.
-A young man who sees that he is capable of doing what it takes to be smart financially.
-Helping him live out what we have taught him is important.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tonite was a new one, this time from my 12 year old son. Back in June we were at a Christian music festival, and a speaker was recruiting new sponsors for Compassion international. My 12 year old was moved (maybe manipulated) into raising his hand, and eventually standing to his feet, to take on the responsibility of sponsorship for a child in Ethiopia. After discussing it ourselves, my husband and I talked to our young son about the cost of sponsorship ($38/mo), and what we were willing to do to help him take this on (we would pay half), and what we were willing to do to help him do his part (provide extra chore opportunities that he could earn money from). Basically, if our son works for 15 minutes a day for 19 days in a month, he will have earned his part of the money.

He was all for it.

We paid for the initial payment.
His birthday money paid for his half of the second payment.
And in three months he has never once asked for an extra job so he could earn money. And I have been waiting to see what would happen when this month's money was due, because I knew it would be crunch time for him.

This child avoids work more than any of my other children, and is the least likely to take the initiative to earn money through work. This has been his tendency for as long as I can recall. So I felt that this was a wonderful opportunity for him to have to work, as well as having to be generous.

Well tonite it all caught up with him. He came to me, starting to cry, because he felt overwhelmed at the thought of being financially obligated to this child in Ethiopia. He was sad because he does not have money to do fun things, and had recently experienced having no pocket money to do something fun that his siblings did have money for.

While I can really appreciate how he was feeling, I pointed out to him the strength and ability he has to rise to the obligation and to be able to bless and care for a child who needs help. While he could agree that he is certainly able to work for 15 minutes most days, the bottom line is that he doesn't really want to any more. *Now* he feels the fruit of emotional manipulation (which I will rant about some other day) and wants out.

Well, I'm not giving him a way out. I am going to provide him with an opportunity to grow and be strong and overcome some of his lazy tendencies.

What this will cost me:
-$19 a month to do the half sponsorship
-coming up with extra jobs for him to do that he can earn $19 a month
-dealing with him doing jobs that he might not do well (either because of attitude or ability) with grace and continue to encourage him and guide him even though I might really prefer to have someone else do the job, or do it myself
-helping him remember to write letters to his sponsored child and taking the lead for all such efforts
-listening to him cry, be sad, feel misunderstood, or whatever for as long as it takes

What I believe we will get for our efforts:
-a child in Ethiopia getting an education, health care, and more
-a son who will learn to work even though he does not like to
-a son who will hopefully come to value his ability to bless others through his strength and heart
-a son who will be wiser in the future when emotionally manipulative speakers try to sway him (he is an easily influenced child), and who will hopefully learn to think clearly and logically about decisions
-hopefully the other kids will see the example of this, and honestly I hope that they all decide to sponsor kids through Compassion. I would go halfsies with each one of them and help them do jobs around the house, too, if they could catch the bug for service, sacrifice, and hard work

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I think it is important to remember the big picture, long-term stuff when it comes to parenting issues.

It is important to take the blinders off as much as you can, and see the character strengths and weaknesses that your kids have, and be willing to work on what needs work.

It is important for parents to be able to muster the emotional, physical, mental, and financial STRENGTH to do what is best for each child, even when it comes at a high personal cost. The best things in life do not come for free. When it comes to preparing our kids for the rest of their lives, it's true even moreso.

Good luck to all of my fellow parents! Whether you have one child or a whole bunch, it is a job that demands (and deserves!) the very best we have to offer. Phew!

Yay Me, Day One

2010-09-06T00:25:00.004-04:00

So I'm reading a fun book: Helping Me Help Myself: one skeptic, ten self-help gurus, and a year on the brink of the comfort zone. In the book the author, Beth Lisick, attempts to improve herself via various modes of self-help resources, even though it's never really been appealing to her to do so before.

One of the suggestions she reads about is to look at yourself in a mirror at the end of each day and tell yourself all of the good things you did that day. After my recent evenings of just feeling overwhelmed with all of the shortfalls and failings of the days, I thought that it might actually be a nice thing to do for awhile, if only to attempt to retrain my thoughts to drift toward the positive instead of the negative.

So, alas, a list of good things for today:

-I went to church even though I did not feel like it

-I got my work papers taken care of even though there were obstacles in my way

-I took a long nap which I desperately needed

-I did not say all of the grouchy things that came to mind, which was a lot for some reason

-I finally gave 3 of my boys haircuts, which they have needed for weeks, even though I did not want to. I have calculated my earnings for this task as $72 an hour. Which makes it seem more worthwhile than it sometimes feels. (on the upside, I really do like having the time to personally do their hair and spend the time with them and talk to them and look at their cute faces. I must try to remember this for next time.)

-I worked on getting caught up on laundry, which had become a gigantic pile. We are now on schedule for having laundry all caught up by tomorrow, which is needing to be done.

-I took care of some customer service issues AND got some business newsletters finished and scheduled for the next week

-I got the dishwasher caught up and ready to receive newly dirty dishes for morning

-I arranged to borrow something from a friend that will make my family's life easier for the next week or so.

I will now resist the urge to tell about any things that also needed to get done but didn't and will go to bed soon. Good night.

I Think We're Over It

2010-08-20T00:40:00.004-04:00

Our oldest son turned 18 this week. What he wanted for a party was a headbanger concert. So that's what we had.

We've done a few of these shows. He gets in touch with some bands and arranges for them to come play, and we parents secure a place to have the thing, organize the food, security, and hang around providing drinks and snacks and supervision and reminders to smoke outside and stay til the bitter end to make sure the place is cleaned up and every kid has gotten a ride home.

We like to support the interests that our kids have. We like to be fun parents. But this time, I think the experience has about done us in. Since it's nearly 1am now I won't promise anything, but the two little words I've been thinking for the past several hours are Never Again.

We set the timing of this thing to be 7-10, even though he was wanting 6-11. Yeah, um, no thank you. He always does this thing where he plans it for too darn long, there is a ton of down time in between bands setting up and taking down, and it just wears out the welcome, you know? not to mention, after listening to loud, screamo, growly music for hours, we are pretty much ready to get it over with.

So we were being smart, you see, going for just 3 hours. (plus it's a school night, so probably most kids can't really stay much past 10 anyhow)

Unfortunately, there were technical problems. Big ones. That meant that although the party started at 7, there was no music until 9:15.

Yeah.

And we had three bands lined up to play.

So, you can imagine the rest of the story.

Band number one, very good.

Band number two, pretty good. Crowd dwindling.

Band number three gets set up, and only a few exhausted headbangers linger around the edge of the room, many kids are out in the parking lot packing their cars and vans full of music equipment. Including my kid, clueless that band three has begun. So even he missed listening to this nice guy and his band play for his party.

Frankly, I was horrified. So rude! So thoughtless! So failing to truly appreciate what others had done for him.

It was the back-breaking straw for this camel, I'll tell ya.

Yes, I guess he didn't actually know that the other band was starting. But I know my son, and if it was a band that he was really, really excited about, he would not have missed it. no way.

The thing went very late. we just got home a few minutes before midnight. I think I have already earned my Cool Mom Badge, and now I can stop being this cool.

(*My husband was cool and did a little moshing tonite. Someone else was even cooler. That person did a back flip. and while he was doing it, my husband turned just in time to get the flying feet to the face. The poor guy was pretty wrecked. But at least some teenager came and asked him "How old are you?" Dave tells him, "40." Happily, the kid says, "40! and you can mosh like that? wow! That's awesome." So, you know, not a total loss...)

Plain Hick Town

2010-08-19T10:46:00.000-04:00

At the end of a letter to the editor in my town newspaper, where the writer is unhappy about the new school dress code:

"Wake up. This is a plain hick town and there isn't anything wrong with our kids wearing plain t-shirts. Before anyone gets mad, I can say this is a hick town because I was born and raised here."

Well, ok then. I live in a hick town. End of story.

Swirling: Update

2010-08-19T08:01:00.003-04:00

Well, the boys made it through their trip to the dentist, and nobody even asked if I was going, nor complained because I was not there. So.

Financial anxiety compounded by $400 dentist visit. Man, teeth are expensive!

Realized that I was given two sets of sheets that I thought I would not like, so planned to give them away. Decided it was a better plan to put them on the bed and give 'em a try, rather than have to go searching for new sheets and pay for 'em. Decision: the news sheets are just fine. Will be keeping them. Cross sheets off the list! (apply the money that would have been spent on the sheets to the dentist! Yes!)

The kids pitched in to help clean up the house, so things are somewhat better now. The trick is keeping it this nice and making it even better consistently. ha.

(yes, I can spin that plate, but then some other plate will not be spinning)

Today we have just a few things going on. Like, taking 1 cat to the vet (1 drop off, 1 pick up), dropping off some of the kids to spend time with their grandparents, and making a party for our 18 year old's birthday happen tonite. (complete with 2 bands and a glow dance/rave....I will be ready for bed tonite!)

I-think-I-can-I-think-I-can.......

Swirling Around in My Noggin

2010-08-17T23:52:00.003-04:00

Today has been a bit of a melancholy day. I guess I might be able to blame my gloomy thoughts, fears, and sadness on PMS, though it doesn't really help to do so.

Fears about the children and how will we get this, that, and the other done for them for school.

My new 18 year old got a speeding ticket that is going to cost him a pretty penny, and other consequences from it will be following him for awhile in the form of increased car insurance, and possibly a change in his license status. I really am ok with him dealing with the natural consequences of his actions, but now we also have to consider whether or not he should be losing some driving privileges as well. He just had a fender bender a couple weeks ago as well, so this is not sitting well for my husband and I. (sigh)

I realized that three of my little guys have to go for dental work tomorrow. I hate dental work! (for all of us) I have concerns about the Novocaine, the laughing gas, and most every other aspect of the process. (sigh) It is going to take several hours to get the three of them through their processes, and my husband has volunteered to take them. Which is wonderful of him, and I certainly have plenty to do here, so it's practical. but....I can't help but feel kind of like a cruddy mom to not accompany them. As one of my other kids once told me about this issue, "Moms are more comforting." (while tears welled up in his eyes...) So, side dish a Guilt, please! (the ones that are going tomorrow have not asked if I am going yet, so my guilt is purely self-inflicted at this point)

Had some financial anxiety today, which is interesting because it wasn't based in reality. I think I have spent so many years of my life in some level of financial anxiety (like, 38 of them...) that even now that we have a much better financial situation and are not needing to worry about juggling and suffering with our money, I still have moments of panic and fear that somehow we are going to run out of money and I will have to go back to the way things used to be. I knew it stunk while I was going through it, but at least I was used to it. With some space, and my unique form of financial PTSD, I see that it was more damaging than I realized. Don't. Wanna. Go. Back.
Ever.

The house was a mess. Seemed like everywhere I turned I was faced with a zillion undone things, and chore areas that have not been well-done by children of any age. With 8 able-bodied citizens living here, I think it is reasonable that this house should be kept up better than it is. The trick is in the enforcement, which can be it's own career because of the time and dedication required. I busted around dealing with some of the issues that had been nagging at me and felt some better. I made lists for all the kids to accomplish while I was at work. They did fairly well and things are looking much nicer this evening.

I fell into reading some heavy stuff that got into my head and just contributed to making me sad. It was one of those can't-look-away experiences, even though I could tell that it was getting me down. Eventually I did get away, but then within a day or two seemed to be faced with a few other contentious groups/web sites that also bummed me out. Clicked them off and walked away today. Life's too short to deal with other people's toxicity.

Speaking of toxic, I have at least one toxic person left that I am going to have to deal with. I have set it on the back burner for now, but it is still there, bringing weight. Don't like that. don't know how to escape it. (or like the bear hunt song: Can't go around it, can't go under it, can't go above it, gotta go through it!)

Have been feeling discouraged about my weight. I lost that 30 pounds last year. This year I have probably gained back 5. or so.... Yes, I know how I lost the weight. Careful diet and consistent exercise. I also know that for the most part, it is mighty hard for me to live that way all the time. I have so many responsibilities, and then there are my human frailties....I do not know how I can realistically fit in trips to the gym, or early morning walks, when I have homeschooling taking up the lion's share of every day, work, and of course, everything else. I can see that I am losing some ground on my weight, and I do not want to go back any farther, but I also do not want my schedule to be more slammed than it already is. I understand now why people try so many weight loss tricks and pills--we are all too darn tired and busy to lose weight the honest way!

3 kids needing braces. 3 Pets needing to go to the vet. 3 people needing glasses. New sheets needed(current ones are finally beyond threadbare). Organizing art classes. Coorindating homeschool activities for my kids so they are happy, or at least less unhappy, as the case may be. Getting a ballroom dance class series going in my town. Oh yeah--somewhere in here I supposedly run a business or two. Fill the minds of my offspring with great and mighty things. Learn how to get the most out of my new iphone. Things I want to help people with or told them I would help with but then ran out of steam.

So much stuff! Some days I feel like just saying no to everything beyond home and school and work, and just try to re-spin those plates really well. but, you know, time stops for no woman....if it did we would all buy that app!

Overheard

2010-08-05T16:44:00.004-04:00

My younger boys are playing. I just heard:

"Feel my wrath!"

"No. YOU feel MY wrath!"

It's pretty darn fun to have kids in the house.

No, it doesn't get easier

2010-08-03T15:56:00.004-04:00

Lies!
They tell you lies, I say!

All of the people who look at you sweetly when you are hip-deep in babies and toddlers and preschoolers and they say, "It'll get easier, honey. Don't worry."

Well, I beg to differ.

Yes, it's true: you won't always be wiping noses and bottoms and cleaning up duplo blocks and spilled milk.

But what are you trading it in for? Pre-teens and teens with:

Attitudes.

Broken hearts, both romantic and by friends that didn't turn out to be very good friends after all.

Body odor and poor personal hygiene.

Eye rolling.

Hormones.

Lots of emotions out of control: happy, sad, tortured, frustrated, angry.

Learning to drive. And the letting them drive. And then the inevitable fender benders. (I hope a fender bender is the worst you ever deal with.)

Whether or not they accept or reject what you have taught them.

Helping them make big decisions, and hoping that you have earned enough influence with them to have your guidance matter to them.

Eventually they will be making their decisions without you, and you can no longer protect and guide them. You're a captive audience to whatever goes down, good or bad.

And then shake all of this up with 2 or 3 or 4 teenagers or preteens, and you've got a perfect storm, my friends. A hot mess some days. Yep.

(Did I mention that kids get a whole lot more expensive as they get older? Well, they do that too.)

It's true that eventually you will be able to walk out the door by yourself and leave the kids home to make their own dinner and entertain themselves for the evening.

It's true that eventually you will be able to sleep in without all hell breaking loose around the house.

It's true that it won't always be like it is when they are little.

Eventually, it will get harder.

(*I guess I will have to admit that even though the stakes are much, much higher with my teens and pre-teens, I still enjoy them. In some ways the baby days *were* indeed harder. Physically it was harder for sure. But some days when I am navigating the Big Issues of life with my older kids, I think that making a little sandwich, taking a little nap, and playing with the train set would be a whole lot easier than what's going on in real time. It's all good, but it ain't easy. But then, nothing worth having ever is.)

Mine!

2010-08-02T07:48:00.002-04:00

I have been wishing for a cute bread box for awhile, and yesterday I found this lovely vintage one on etsy. I waited for the rest of the evening and then overnight to decide if I would buy it. I decided that it was one of those items that I would be sorry to have passed by, so now it has been purchased and I will be thinking about where it will go. Will I use it for bread? Maybe.....maybe not.

I love Alice.com and so will you!

2010-08-01T12:03:00.000-04:00

&amp;lt;br&amp;gt;

Alice.com is a fabulous place for you to bypass a whole lot of your grocery shopping, without paying more! In fact, Alice's prices are comparable to Walmart prices, they add in coupons, and they ship all of your stuff to you for FREE! And it's fast. Like, within a day or two, depending on where you live.

Alice.com has toilet paper, feminine products, cleaning products, snacks and cereal, toiletries, pet food, office supplies, stamps, and just a ton of other stuff that you are buying every time you walk through your regular store. (not weird off-brands, either. The real brands you already buy!) The difference: less stuff to shlepp through the checkout, into your car, and into the house with the kids in tow!

I have been using Alice since fall of 2009 and I love love LOVE it. I recommend it to everybody! Right now you can get $10 off your first purchase of at least $50 when you clickety-click above to sign up. How cool is that?

There is Nothing Wrong With You (or Me!)

2010-07-30T10:10:00.005-04:00

I am sorry to say that probably every single day in recent history I have gone to bed saying something along the lines of, "I suck at life." I have felt like a failure in many areas, even though I could also make a very long list of excellent, well-done, important, caring, compassionate things I have done. why is it that we treat ourselves so poorly? I would never treat someone else with as little regard as I sometimes treat myself. (sigh)

Yesterday my husband hugged me and told me I was perfect, which I found ironic considering that if anyone knows my many faults, it's him. After 19 years he has pretty much seen it all.

I came across this video today and just loved it. (if you double click on the video you can watch it in it's full, wide-screen glory, which will be better than having it cut off at the side like it may do for you here on this page) Very encouraging. And I purchased a piece of her art which I am looking forward to displaying in my home. Inspirational!

Here is a photo of the art I bought:

It reminded me of me and my daughter, but felt like an important reminder in several ways. I already know where I want to put it. (I think....)

Every once in awhile...

2010-07-27T14:08:00.002-04:00

it's appropriate to grieve for things that are not as they should be:
People that are broken.
Heartbreaks and disappointments.
Losses.
Brokenness.
Unanswerable questions and unfixable problems.

Yes, I have a lot to be thankful for, and I am. But today, some time is being taken to be sad for a little while. I think that's reasonable.

Toxic

2010-07-27T13:24:00.002-04:00

I had two sad reminders this week of the deep toxicity of a person in my life. It is deeply sad to me when a person will choose anger, revenge, and bitterness over anything positive. I do not understand it. Watching this is like watching a person choose death for themselves over and over again.

Loved this....

2010-07-25T15:15:00.000-04:00

" Never be in a hurry;
do everything quietly and in a calm spirit.
Do not lose your inner peace for anything whatsoever,
even if your whole world seems upset"

~St Francis de Sales

Q&A

2010-07-13T17:01:00.001-04:00

Today I had this question in my inbox about the post about teens. I thought I would share my answer here:

Hello Erica,

You said: "he is very loving with us and the other children..."

I was wondering if you had any wisdom or tips related to this statement. Our oldest is 13b, and while he is loving at times, he is almost downright mean at others. I don't know what I might do differently to cause (all of them, actually) to be more loving toward each other.

Thanks for any tips you can offer.

Emily

Hi Emily,
First of all I would say that when he was 13 he was *not* loving toward the other children. He had quite a few years (probably from about 12-15) that we refer to as his "sullen years." He was grouchy, wanted everybody to stay out of his stuff, and kept to himself a lot. I now have a 14 year old daughter kind of in that mode, and a 12 year old son who seems to be headed toward it. So, I just want to let you know that, since it would be easy for some people to assume that my kids are all so loving and always have been. :) We have some junky attitudes here from time to time, for sure.

I'm not really sure what I can attribute his loving attitude toward, but I will give some guesses. We have tried to maintain our love and affection for him consistently, even when he has not been all that friendly. I have never lost track of the fact that he is still the same boy that we loved so deeply when he was a baby and all through growing up. We are crazy about our kids! :) We are very accepting of him and transparent with him. I think that since we are respectful of his growing independence and that we are supportive and excited for him (rather than nervous, suspicious, or trying to hold him back) he is a very comfortable person who has no "gripes" against anybody, us included. In the areas where there are differences in beliefs or whatever, we are very loving while also open (in times when it gets discussed) about the reasons we have decided to live or believe as we do, but we do nothing to get him defensive or cause any walls to be built up between us. Basically, there is nothing for him to fight against. Not that we let him have everything he wants or that there are no boundaries, just that we have an ability to be both friendly, open, honest, and firm when needed that seems to stir up together to make good things happen :)

As far as it goes with his siblings, from the sullen years the youngest kids were actually kind of scared of him and there was a real separation there. In recent years when he has been happier I have encouraged him at times to remember how much it means to be a young kid and have an older kid take an interest in them, etc. He tries to be pretty encouraging to them, tell them that he thinks their latest Lego creation is really cool, etc. :) I encourage the younger kids to go show him stuff that I know he will be able to appreciate. I guess I just do a little bit of stirring the pot to encourage everybody toward each other.

Also, around the sullen years beginning we had a lot of chaos in our home with 3 little ones born in less than 3 years, and many things were out of control. Things are a lot better now and I think that it is more enjoyable for all of us, including the older kids. We do a lot of outings together, go fun places, etc. and our oldest is still happy to go along and is content to hang out with us during those times. (He is also very social and spends a lot of time out and about with his friends, taking classes, working, etc. so it is a good balance for him although we often miss him some since he is spending more and more time away from home, which is normal but still an adjustment for all of us.)

We have gone through some hard things together and he has seen that we will stick together and do whatever needs to be done to help one another, and I think that has been a powerful glue in our relationship as well.

Overall, we're a very open, affectionate, accepting family, and I think that our kids are generally like that, according to their personalities, of course. They say more is caught than taught, so I hope that is true with our other children. I do have many days when I am amazed at the mean words, selfishness, and anger that will come out between them since I feel like they have a lot of consistent examples of generosity, forgiveness, happy attitudes, etc. It can be discouraging and I do feel concerned about it sometimes. I keep plugging away and hope that our children will turn out to be a credit to God and all of us as they grow, but sometimes I think it is more in spite of us than because of us if they do. :)

I hope this helps!
~Erica

How to treat older teens

2010-07-09T15:12:00.004-04:00

Recently on one of my egroups a woman wrote in asking for advice on how to treat her 17 year old son. She was unsure how much to direct him about how he was eating, how much time he spent on the computer, his "standards" which she considered to be "lower" than hers, etc. This is part of what I wrote in response:

I have a son that is turning 18 next month. He is our oldest, so this is my first go-around with an older teen, however I can tell you that it is a fun time in our lives and we are doing great.
For us, we believe that we are raising these people to become adults. As they get older, an increasing amount of responsibility and personal choices need to become their job, until eventually they are taking full responsibility for their decisions and life choices which seems to me should be somewhere between 18-20 or so.

A wonderful resources that I highly recommend to all parents every chance I get is a DVD and book series called Parental Guidance Required. You can check it out and buy it here. This site also has $1 downloads of the MP3 sessions of this class. We did this study with some friends from church quite a few years ago. It is an excellent resource for talking about key elements of setting your relationship with you middle year children up for an ongoing good relationship as the children grow into older teens and young adults. It talks about the importance of "dialing in" and "dialing out" the right or wrong kind of people in your child's life, the importance of other trusted adults to be a part of your child's life who will be a friend to your child who will also continue to point them in the right direction, and the importance of the quality of your relationship with your child for the long haul when we have no more control but we can still have the ever-crucial opportunity to influence our child--which is something they will either willingly let us do or they won't. (it's not something you can require) Anyhow, wonderful information and encouragement for all parents. Please get it!

Certainly a child's maturity level, choices they have made, etc. should have a bearing on what parents choose to still try to work on with the child and what they back off about. I know that some parents seem to fear that if their child ever does anything that they do not want them to do (music choices, hair or clothing styles, etc.) that all is lost and the kid is ruined. For us, we believe that it is normal for each person to have to figure out for himself what they believe and how they will live. In our family, these are not deal breakers and I am not going to allow these things to damage my relationship with my child. I am passionate about my children and I will continue to be, regardless of the stages they go through. I always strive to try to be open, to listen, and to understand where my 17 year old son is coming from. We have had talks sometimes when he shares a music choice with me, and sometimes I have listened and said to him, "This sounds so negative to me. Tell me what you like about it. I don't understand." Since I am coming at this with real love and an open attitude where I really do want to hear what he has to say, and I'm not just trying to turn it into a chance to tell him to listen to something else, it is a fruitful conversation, and he is willing to let me have some influence on his thinking. Does this mean that he changes everything to what I think? Nope! And that's ok. He has to stand on his own and will continue to. I should not be micromanaging him and will not even try.

As far as things like junk food, you know, if you do not have these things in the house they will not get them from you, and then you save yourself the trouble of feeling that you have to police it. :) I have tried to set up our home over the years to be what I call an all-you-can- eat-buffet of good things both for food, as well as educationally, etc. What I mean by this is that basically there are no bad choices. Food-wise, there is no (or very little) junk food, but we have plenty of good fruits and veggies and whole grain breads, etc. to choose from. Now, my son does eat some junk when he's gone from the house, and that's his business. (esp. since he pays for it himself) Largely, over time, he has come to realize that he does not like to eat junk food and that he does not feel well after eating or drinking certain things, so now he chooses to eat pretty healthfully on his own and even influences his friends to eat healthier. This is exactly the thing I had hoped for--he has made his choice, seen the evidence in his own life--and does not need me to tell him what to eat when he's on his own. As far as things to do at our house, we have no TV but we have books, games, a pool, a very fun back yard with lots of things to do, Legos, computers with good filters set on them to make them safe to use, pets to play with, art and craft supplies, music, musical instruments, dress up stuff, etc. I guess the one "junk food" thing we have is a game system, which they are only allowed to use on Saturdays. (and most of the time they forget about it) So, even in their spare time my kids only have choices that are good ones. I don't have to spend my time fretting about what they are doing, so I set up the environment to be as good for them and easy for me as possible. That translates over to the teens as well.

I used to have a friend who complained about how her teens were spending all of their time "plugged in" to electronics and she did not know what to do about it. She was struggling to try to set up schedules and enforce them to try to make the kids do other things. Well, you know what? She and her husband had created an environment at their house where being plugged in was the only stuff for their teens to do. Although she had started out with no TV, lots of books and puzzles, etc. when he kids were little, by the time the kids were older they had one computer per person (or something very close to it), all the kids had cell phones with unlimited texting, they had satellite tv, they all had ipods that they used and further isolated them from the rest of the world, game systems with no limits, there was nothing to do in their yard, some of the kids had no interesting outside-of-the- home activities or friends, etc. Basically, they had created a situation where computer/music/tv/gaming was the only stuff to do at their house, and they were not willing to change any of that. So, you know, the kids are going to respond to the environment you create and nurture.

I do think that it is harder to pull back from stuff than to just set things up the way you want them from the get-go, but it is possible to make changes if you are strong and wise.

Getting back to some other thoughts I have about older teens: Respect is important. There are many ways to choose to live, many ways to apply Biblical concepts, and many things that are not issues that should be allowed to damage a relationship. Realizing that our children are growing up to be people who will (and should) make their own choices is worth your respect. I can tell you as a person with people in my life that do not respect other people's choices that are different from their own, it damages relationships when you do not have respect from others. And even if you don't say it, people can feel it. Fer shur. So, to me, starting at 14, 15, 16, 17 to back off of peripheral issues and respect that your child is learning to make choices is the right way to go. Save your panic button moments for stuff that really, really matters a lot. :) If you panic too often they just think you're getting crazy and you can lose your ability to influence.

In the end as our children become adults, aside from what they have accepted from what we have already taught them, influence is the only hope we have of being able to help our children. (aside from prayer, of course) They will either welcome our influence or resist it. I know which side I want to be on, so I use a fair amount of strategy into my parenting to try to position myself to where I want to be.

Obviously, this is all still a work in progress. I can tell you, though, that we have a very enjoyable relationship with our 17 year old, that our son is doing great at making decisions and learning from the choices he makes, he is very loving with us and the other children, and we continue to look forward to what is to come with him and our other kids. I believe very strongly that the investments we make in tying heartstrings and building trust and happy relationships with our kids from the time they are born has a great bearing on how things go later on in their lives.

Answers and Provision

2010-07-07T21:08:00.003-04:00

Good day today. Had a fabulous and encouraging interview time with the gal about helping us homeschool, and we decided to hire her. I'm SO looking forward to having her start.

Interestingly, this is an item that I have been dreaming of, but had not pursued it because I thought it was out of reach financially. I used to feel that same way about house cleaning, and a couple years ago I decided to stop wishing for help, and instead just see if I could hire help even for a couple hours a week. As it turned out, I was able to, and I was able to get great help who also needed my help in the form of a job, so it was wonderful.

Last week I decided to put some feelers out on facebook just to see if anybody promising would turn up for the dream helpers I would like to have. Bingo! I found this wonderful gal at a price much lower than I expected, and as it turns out, I'm even going to be able to afford to hire her for just about the exact amount of time I was thinking I wanted someone. Awesome!

Later in the day I went to help my friend with cancer. That went well, and now he wants to hire me to help him some more.

And a friend recommended me for a very short term (3-5 day) job helping someone. Between both the diet help for my friend and this short job, it will definitely bridge the gap in being able to pay for our new homeschool tutor. Thank you God!

It has been a good day but now I am tired. Off to bed I go. Goodnight.

Raining and Pouring

2010-07-06T23:37:00.005-04:00

Sometimes life seems to hand us themed groupings of situations. Right now mine is that there seems to be an invisible sign around me telling people that I can solve their problems and make their life better. Although I learned long ago that just because I would be good at something doesn't mean I *should*.....I find myself in a conflict between the realities of my time and energy and how I feel I can best spend those, and people who need my help that I care about.

First, an old friend contacted me. She is an artist, and I have been encouraging her to market her art and her teaching skills since 1998. Today she has a new studio space rented and is ready to begin. She has asked for my help, and offered a potentially generous compensation plan for my help. I have the skills to help her. I honestly don't know anybody else anywhere around here that does. It will be fun and rewarding to help her achieve her dreams and see her share her many talents with others.

Another friend is sick with cancer. Doctors have given him no hope, so he is now working with a holistic doctor to see what can be done. A large part of the treatment hinges on a radical diet change. For whatever reason, the information the doctor and his team have given this guy is extremely non-user-friendly. He and his wife are overwhelmed and do not know how to make this food or eat this way. And who does? Me, that's who. And truly, I don't know anyone else to recommend. (if I could, I would like to hire them to come make healthy food at my house!!). So, now I'm going to be helping them learn how to shop, cook, and otherwise prepare healthy foods that will hopefully nourish his body and help him beat cancer, and live long and prosper.

I mean....how could I say no to that?

(meanwhile, I am also thinking that I should re-write their diet plan to make it user-friendly and include recipes and sample menus. Yes! A great idea, to do in the spare time that does not exist. I wonder how much money they might pay me to get it done.)

As my outside-the-home responsibilities have increased, I have wondered more and more about hiring help to compensate for some of the things in-house that we need help with. I am actually interviewing someone tomorrow that might come and help me with homeschooling. It could (let the record show that I said *could*....because it is also possible that it could be a big pain in the rear and make me decide to go back to trying to do everything myself) be lovely to have help. At the rate I'm going, I may need a whole army of help to compensate for all the things I cannot do myself while I work part time and try to save the world, or at least help out a few people around me.

I'm conflicted. When life starts handing me projects that I've always (or for a long time, anyhow) wanted to do, on topics that are of great interest to me, and to help people that I care deeply about....it seems like I should sit up and take notice, and at least be open to what's trying to happen here. Right?

The part that scares me is the part I cannot see. How will I fit it all in? What things do I need to let go of? (I have already decided to quit the food pantry work in August) How will I do the very important work of tending to and nurturing my own family and home if more of my time is diverted to other projects?

It is possible that for a time I might find these projects energizing and be more efficient than I have been in a year. So far that is part of what I'm experiencing. The other part wonders how long I can maintain a faster pace.

Part of me would enjoy meetings and brainstorming and watching projects launch and come to completion, and encouraging and teaching and making a tangible difference in the life of an otherwise dying friend. Zoom! zoom!

And part of me would like to stay home in pajama pants and read Sir Fartsalot to my kids, and be the poolside lifeguard for them every morning and evening all summer long, and take naps with my husband on the days when he is home from work, and other warm, cozy, domestic, familial things.

I am under no illusions that the time spent and effort invested in my children is less valuable than anything else I could do. There's just some stuff that is bigger than the average possibility, and right now I've got two of 'em hot-n-fresh on my plate.

The one thing I have going for me in this is that my husband feels like it was right for me to say yes to both of these things, and he's normally very helpful with his perspective about how much is too much and helping me see when I may be getting in over my head. These two new things are important to us both, so somehow we are going to fold them into life and see what happens. It gives me comfort that I'm probably not crazy if he is also feeling like moving ahead, and I always like to share half the blame with my husband if later we decide we made a mistake. ;)

As is so often true with blogging, though readers often forget: there are more details to all of this than I am taking the time to write. There are ways that these new things may be leading to answer other questions and open other doors. I don't have the time or energy to get into all of that tonite. For now, I'm excited, I had a fun business meeting today, and I am looking toward tomorrow that is filled-to-the-brim with interviews, teaching, and my part-time job as a caregiver to a mentally handicapped gal. I won't be getting very much time with my children tomorrow, which I am not happy about, but they may end up with a fun day with grandparents, so that is a positive in the midst of busy-ness.

Clearly, I'm a bit mixed up in my feelings about all of this, and should proceed on to bed. It will be interesting to see where all of this leads, and how things resolve. I am trusting that as I walk along things will become more clear.

Entitlement vs. Gratitutde

2010-07-01T08:54:00.003-04:00

I read something that stuck in my craw, as it were. A woman who has MUCH to be thankful for right now (stuff far beyond a roof over her head and clothes on her back) was instead angry because her family did not have the money available to go on a vacation this summer. Although I understand that everyone struggles with junky thinking from time to time, I find this sort of thing really frustrating.

I remember back when my husband and I were first married. I was friends with a woman who was about ten years older than myself. She complained about our small town and lack of cultural activities (though we were only a half hour from a city that did have these things), about her home that she considered too small and modest (although it was perfectly fine, she had nice furnishings, and more than met their needs), and about her husband's income that did not provide for nice vacations each year. Even as a 20 year old I could see how much gratitude was missing from her mindset.

I once knew a homeschool mom who acted like she lived in an unfortunate shack. They had a premature baby and I volunteered to go over and help her one day. I was amazed to arrive at her house and see how really, really, REALLY nice it was, how lovely all of the furniture was, etc. It made me kind of amazed and horrified about how much she had complained publicly about her home.

I always feel a little sorry for husbands of unthankful women. Most of them seem to be hard working and gainfully employed with at least one job, if not more, and here they are with a wife who values a bigger house, newer furniture, vacations, high maintenance hair and nails, or whatever else, more than she values building up her husband and family and cultivating an attitude of gratitude. A person like this usually has no end to what they want and what they feel they deserve. If her husband provides a vacation, next year she'll want to go away for longer, to a more exciting destination. If she goes to the spa for her birthday, next she'll want to go every month or so. If she gets something special, it's ruined because now she has a taste of one more thing that she now wants MORE of. How are the children supposed to grow up with right attitudes if this is the example they see every day? The attitude of "what I have is not good enough. I deserve more. I will never be satisfied. You are not giving me enough." It's no wonder our culture continues to think they should get everything for nothing, that credit card spending continues, that thrift is a mystery, that simple pleasures are seen as an ancient oddity.

When we believe that we are entitled to things, that seems to be when we set ourselves up for trouble. When we feel we are entitled to a vacation, a certain amount of spending money, more time for ourselves, what happens when we cannot have those things?

Sure, it's nice to have things that make life easier or nicer. But can you manage to be just as thankful without it? With less? Do you have an inner attitude that results in happiness even if the car breaks down, the money is tight, and you are going to stay home?

To me, remembering all that we have to be thankful for is powerful. When you are deeply thankful and know how greatly you are blessed just as you are, it tends to crowd out the stinkin' thinkin' and whining about what we do not have, and our endless wandering eye over all the things we want that seem out of reach.

I love the song More Than Enough from Jana Stanfield. If you have an opportunity to buy her album Brave Faith, do it. It is so positive and uplifting. I sometimes sing it to myself through my day. Here are the words:

More Than Enough

Hey na na na na na more than enough

(Chorus) I have more than enough
Of all that I need
To do all I can do
Be all I can be
As I go through this day
This is my creed
I have more than enough
Of all that I need
I have more than enough
Of all that I need

Is there anyone who can't remember a time
When you had less money and you did just fine
Compared to where we were we've come all this far
Why not spend the day enjoying where we are

Take a quick look back at dreams of yesterday
Dreams of living the life that you live today
We spend so much time wanting so much more
When there's plenty here to be thankful for

Floatie Swim Suit Safety Alert

2010-05-27T14:12:00.001-04:00

I wrote this post several years ago, and now dig it out every year and re-post to share with people each summer.

We have an Easy Set pool at our house. It's a pretty big one, and we have floatation swim suits for our three youngest boys to wear, although we keep the pool shallow enough that all of them can walk around in it and still have their heads above water. Last year when I bought the suits the baby was one and the better quality suits did not come in his size, so I got a cheaper one, which he had continued to wear this year.
The other day the kids were playing in the pool while my husband and I sat on the deck watching them and chatting. Our youngest, who is now 2, lost his footing in the pool and very quickly was floating face down in the water. Fortunately my husband saw it right away and got to him within just a few seconds, so everything turned out ok.

BUT

The problem is that this suit was not designed to flip a child over onto their back if they needed to rely on the floatation! Our baby was helpless, face down in the water. He would have actually been safer with no suit on at all, since he would have been able to stand to his feet after losing his footing.

It only takes a very few moments for a little one to drown. I am so thankful we were right there with our eyes on the pool happenings.

We tossed out that suit and today I went and bought him one of the better ones, that are designed to keep a kid floating on their backs. Here is the difference between the two suits:

The kind that flips a child onto their back has a float in the front of the suit that is longer than the one in the back.

The kind of suit that put my baby into the pool face first is a kind that is designed for children who need a floatie while learning to swim. The floats are all around the suit and are the same size all the way around.

Just thought someone else might appreciate the reminder. Go check and see if your little one's floatie suits will flip them to their backs in their moment of need.

We Danced Til Our Feet Went Numb

2010-05-19T10:15:00.003-04:00

My husband turned 40 on Sunday and I threw him a big bash, complete with DJ, lights, lots of guests, and tons of fun. Our theme was Dance Til Your Feet Go Numb, thanks to our love of Family Force 5's music. Here are a few photos from the evening:

Me (complete with hair that lost the battle with humidity) and my birthday man:

My husband and our daughter dancing together:

Several boys (the two kids on the outside aren't ours, the three in the middle are):

Our youngest, looking cool with his glow sticks. We had two talented photographers that caught some cool shots for us:

2010-05-09T00:23:00.001-04:00

I am seriously contemplating the potential merits of getting rid of half of our stuff. In most categories, I think it could be done....

Indian Summer

2010-05-06T10:14:00.005-04:00

Sometimes I have women that are older than me (maybe 50+) tell me that getting older is great because they spend so much less time worrying about what others think of them, and more time enjoying being themselves. Happily, I am already experiencing some of that. (I look forward to getting better at it)

I found out about this poem today and thought it went along with the sentiment and gave me a chuckle. I think it can apply across many people, not just passing lads. :)

Indian Summer

In youth, it was a way I had
To do my best to please,
And change, with every passing lad,
To suit his theories.

But now I know the things I know,
And do the things I do;
And if you do not like me so,
To hell, my love, with you!

Dorothy Parker

Things Life Has Been Teaching Me

2010-04-13T10:48:00.002-04:00

I can trust my gut.

I have solid instincts.

When people show you who they really are, believe it.

Random Bits and Pieces

2010-03-24T00:08:00.004-04:00

The Help was a fabulous read and I highly recommend it.

We rec'd Settlers of Catan for Christmas and finally learned to play it a few weeks ago. We are having so much fun with this interesting game that has many layers of thinking and strategy involved. I love it that even my youngest kids are learning to play. I can't help but believe that they are learning some excellent strategic thinking skills.

My husband and I watched a few movies last week. Couples Retreat was fun and had a good pro-marriage, pro-staying together message. Precious was tough to watch, certainly not a feel-good movie, but also an inspirational story of a young woman who overcomes huge obstacles to have a better life for herself and her children. If you think you can handle the subject matter and you can appreciate the combination of tragedy and redemption, you might be glad you watched it. Amazing performances by the main actors in this film. We were in awe.

My oldest son got his driver's license. Although I think I do a very good job of helping my children grow onward and upward as is normal and healthy, this is a bit intimidating. Just knowing that one inadvertent bonehead move can result in serious consequences.....oy! It makes me shiver a bit. He'll do fine, though, and so will I. This is the first driver of six for me. Just think what a cool cucumber I will be when I am done with that. :)

Our season of Upward Basketball ended, and we were very thankful that we took time to have three of our boys participate. It was a wonderful experience, I would definitely recommend the organization, and we are looking forward to next basketball season.

There are so many good things going on in my life, but alas, most feel too precious to try to explain in blog entries. I'll just say that I am happier, more content, and more peaceful in most areas of my life than I have been for awhile.

A Good Laugh

2010-02-19T00:20:00.001-05:00

2010-02-08T15:44:00.006-05:00

I've been quiet here for a long time. I used to live my life and see opportunities for blog posts every day. I guess with the development of facebook, I now think more in terms of short updates. Plus, while I probably have just as much "material" in my life, I guess I feel like there is less I feel the desire to share. Since my grandmother died in July I think I have been more sad and blue and tired than usual, and there just isn't a whole lot about my outlook on life that seems like I need to tell it.

Much of how I feel these days is caught between what I want to be/think I should be as opposed to apparent reality. I do not know how to reconcile the two. I do not know if this is just a season that I should embrace and rest, in hopes that I'll later be better able to do more. I think I may have lost my ability to know how much is too much, how much is enough, what level of ease or turning away from additional things is necessary or ok.

The Haiti earthquake had me in tears and dilemma for weeks. I know there are orphans all over the place that need a family. I know that God wants orphans in families. (longtime readers will remember that this is something I've been thinking about a lot) My personality is such that the first question I ask is, "Why not me?" But as I live out my days, teetering somewhere between overwhelm and feeling like we're just getting to a stage that I've looked forward to for so long, I often say to myself that there is just No Way Possible that I could take on another child at this time. But of course, those are the bad days. I have good days too. Aren't I entitled to good days? As a Christian, as a concerned human, as a woman with a heart bigger than reality, am I entitled to peaceful days and a life that feels like it is moving in the right direction? Do I have to live on the ragged edge of high adventure, turmoil, challenges, saying yes, and MORE on my plate?

I often come back around to the thought that if everybody who could possibly do a little bit more to alleviate the suffering in this world would do it, that would be a whole lot of good stuff. And I do a lot of those good things now. At what point can I decide I'm at maximum capacity? If never, how do I balance that with my responsibility to my current family, or the absolute need to take care of myself? When I have weeks when I find it too difficult to reach out to ONE PERSON in my community that I had decided in my own mind to actively help on a weekly basis, I question my ability to do more. If the simpler things cannot happen, how could I do a much, much bigger thing on a forever basis?

I don't have any answers. (or, maybe I have several conflicting answers)

The thinking and guilty feelings and despair over not feeling like I can help the people I have the heart to help threaten to overwhelm me at times. I had to stop reading any stories about Haiti or looking at the pictures, because I just don't know how to live well in the midst of my weakness and deep concern.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A gal from my church works at an orphanage in Haiti and we had already scheduled a big baby shower for the orphanage, months before the earthquake hit. Buying onesies and little ruffled pants and socks and baby food and little spoons made me cry in walmart. There is always a little voice in the back of my head asking me if I can do more. It's a good voice, except when it's not.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's not just orphans that get in my head. I have Shoulds all around me. Whether it be undone chores, curriculum items that I still haven't taken time to read, understand, and implement, half-started systems that I can barely remember why I thought I wanted to do them in the first place, piles of books on the shelf that someone, somewhere along the way told me I should read, but I don't have time or interest in.

Well, I decided to boot out as many Shoulds as possible. I purged the book pile of anything that did not jump out at me as something I wanted to read anytime soon, and listed all of it on paperback swap. Have been mailing them out daily ever since. Good riddance! I hope your new owner enjoys you. I will enjoy not feeling a little tiny bit of bad for not spending my time with you.

I parted with curriculum that had been waiting for my attention for a year and a half. Looks great, but obviously I am not going to get around to it anytime soon.

I delegated a bunch of school duties to my husband, who now has more time to partner up with me on the responsibilities of the homeschooling. Along with the delegation went the guilt that I was feeling for not being able to do everything. Buh-bye!

I am seriously considering dismantling my latest and greatest organization plan. Not that it wasn't a good idea. It was. I've just had trouble making the switch over to it, and what I was doing before was working just fine, really and truly. (one of those "If it ain't broke" lessons) Seems like retreating to the last known workable plan would make sense and alleviate my negative feelings every time I observe the mess that is my not-yet-fully-implemented-system.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In happier news, we do have good things happening. I don't know if I've mentioned it here before, but back in August I took on a part time job working with an adult gal that is developmentally handicapped. I had two motivations for doing it, both of which were pure in heart despite the fact that I was unsure if I could handle adding it into my life and really didn't want to take it on for several reasons. As it turned out, it has been a blessing in so many ways that I had not anticipated. Relationships have benefited, I'm enjoying using my skills to help others, and financially it has helped a lot. We are now able to do things as a family that we always wanted to do but could not afford. Last week we were able to take our kids to Indiana for a really fun day of snow tubing. In a few weeks we're going to an indoor water park resort for two days. It's delightful to finally be able to say yes to so many things, especially since our oldest son is still home with us and still likes to hang out with us. We discussed the possibility of doing a fairly expensive vacation, but ended up choosing to spend the money on a series of "staycations" where we'll do lots of cool mini-vacations and outings near home. It's a big, big list. I hope we have time for it all. :)

Insomnia Will Do This To You

2010-01-25T01:09:00.003-05:00

Yesterday I found out about Regretsy. Oh. My. Word. Too funny for words. Go and laugh. (some graphic/adult content, so beware if the kiddies are around...)

Everybody

2010-01-17T21:26:00.000-05:00

Happy is the heart that still feels pain
Darkness drains and light will come again
Swing open your chest and let it in
Just let the love, love, love begin

Depression and the Church

2010-01-13T22:32:00.001-05:00

Found this interesting discussion going on at Carlos Whittaker's blog about the Christian Church and depression. What do you think?

A New Beginning

2010-01-02T10:36:00.002-05:00

Today we are welcoming a new doggie into our life. Her name is Brandi. She was in need of a home, and after having Marlee, we are more aware of the needs of animals and are wanting to share our life with them. The kids are especially excited. (though I think my husband and I are pretty excited about her as well) Isn't she beautiful?

A philosophy I want to live by

2010-01-02T09:34:00.000-05:00

Let us touch the dying,
the poor,
the lonely
and the unwanted
according to the graces we have received
and let us not be ashamed or slow
to do the humble work....
if you can't feed a hundred people,
then feed just one...

~ mother teresa

Things I'll Miss

2010-01-01T21:07:00.003-05:00

Remember the times when I said that one of the things I think I'll miss when my kids grow up is their notes? Yeah, well, tonite I found this doozie laying on the laundry room floor. I am not sure if Jacob was the recipient, or if he was signing it. "Thanks a lot. Jerk!" I guess we've all been there a time or two... (notice the crying little guy...my heart! poor kid.)

2009 End of Year Meme

2009-12-31T11:00:00.006-05:00

This is my sixth year doing an end-of-the-year meme here!

1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?

Took on the exciting challenge of homeschooling all six of my children.

Got an exercise partner and got going with a regular workout plan that is working great 7 months later!

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Yes I did, and yes I will.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Friends from church just had twins last week! Other friends at church had their second child.

4. Did anyone close to you die? My Gram died in July. It still hurts. She was awesome.

Our rescue dog Marlee died two weeks ago. Knowing and loving Marlee has changed me forever.

5. What countries did you visit? None, as usual.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009? Brain space.

7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? Last year's meme mentioned something really difficult that our family was experiencing. The day that was resolved for us (which took all the way until June) was important.

I traveled to visit my Gram in May, taking a special trip there because we knew she was declining in her health. I knew it would be the last time I saw her. It was a good visit. I'm glad I went.

Seeing our dog Marlee through to the end of her life is something I will remember forever.

My brother and his girlfriend, my sister, and my mom and her husband all came here to spend some days with us after Christmas, and it was great to spend that time with them.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Surviving and thriving through some really tough stuff. And embracing homeschooling all six kids. And losing 30 pounds!

9. What was your biggest failure? I've had too many blessings to recall any failures.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Not that I remember.

11. What was the best thing you bought? The best thing I "bought" was No Regrets, by following my heart on many things, from the travels I took to spend time with much-loved family members, to the way we continued to care for our sweet dog until she died. Peace of mind and soul is a very valuable thing to possess.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? (same answer as last year) Mine! Saying yes to homeschooling, and being fiercely committed to what I feel is the right thing for my kids, even when difficult, is something I celebrate.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and disgusted? Thankfully I cannot think of who that would be.

14. Where did most of your money go? Living!

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? My oldest son choosing to be homeschooled again, and the way he is loving it. I am so blessed to be surrounded by my fabulous kids every day!

16. What song will always remind you of 2009? The first is a good one from the radio, and the FF5 is a fun memory from when I went to Ichthus with my teenagers in June!

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? definitely happier
b) thinner or fatter? 30 pounds thinner!
c) richer or poorer? richer!

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? I don't know if I wish I had, but it would have been nice to rest more and read more. For some crazy reason I don't have much time for those items....

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? I could say crying, except the amount of crying I did is only because of how deeply I love. And I wouldn't want to change that.

20. How will you be spending New Year's Eve? Going to a dear friend's birthday party, and then playing games with the kids, and then hanging out with my hubby. :)

21. Did you fall in love in 2009? I'm always in love.

22. What was your favorite TV program? Deadliest Catch, Castle, Survivor

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? I don't do hate.

24. What was the best book you read? Stretching Lessons by Sue Bender. Wonderful!

25. What was your greatest musical discovery? Family Force 5 (discovered at Ichthus)

26. What did you want and get? A wide flat screen computer monitor. (thanks honey!) Now I can see two browser windows at once!

Also, help cleaning my house. Yay! A longtime dream of mine that last year I wrote about as a thing I wanted but did not get. This year I decided to get the help when I could afford it, and it has been absolutely lovely. In 2010 I hope to get even more help. I sure could use it!

27. What did you want and not get? Can't think of anything.

28. What was your favorite film of this year? The Proposal

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 38 this year, and I didn't have a cake because I had stopped eating sugar a month before. :) 38 has been sweet nonetheless.

30.What one thing would have made your year measurably more satisfying? Spending more time with my extended family.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009? Improving!

32. What kept you sane? Remembering the reasons why I have chosen the path I'm on.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Can't think of any fancies...

34. What political issue stirred you the most? Politics doesn't stir me much.

35. Who did you miss? My Gram. I miss her every day, but thankfully have a zillion excellent memories to reflect on.

36. Who was the best new person you met? Right now I can't think of a totally new person, but there are several people in my life that have been wonderful to get to know better.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009. This wasn't a new lesson, but am important one to be reminded of: Make decisions based on your solid beliefs, and live them out in the best way you know how. You will be blessed.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. From Michael Franti: "I love you! I love you! I love you!"

A few thoughts on the Law of Love and the ceasing of oppression Share

2009-12-21T01:25:00.000-05:00

Today in church we sang Oh Holy Night. The third verse says:

Truly He taught us to love one another,
His law is love and His gospel is peace.
Chains he shall break, for the slave is our brother.
And in his name all oppression shall cease.
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,
With all our hearts we praise His holy name.
Christ is the Lord! Then ever, ever praise we,
His power and glory ever more proclaim!
His power and glory ever more proclaim!

I had so many thoughts going through my head:

He taught us to love one another: How many of us hold back our love for others? I am so thankful that I had the opportunity to give love to our dog Marle e as well as the people in my life. I learned a lot from that experience and will always be thankful for the opportunity she gave me, and the time we shared together. Sometimes people treat their love like a commodity that might run out if they spread it around too much. I think giving love away helps us have more love. If you don't believe me, how about if you try it and get back to me?

The law of love and gospel of peace: How simple. And simply beautiful. I wish more of us could let the law of love guide us, and that we would all choose peace any time it can be possible. What would our decisions look like if we let the law of love guide us?

The slave is our brother. In His name all oppression shall cease:

I thought of the precious, innocent little children used a human slaves for sick perverts, and organizations like gozoe.org that serve and save these children. It's amazing how small an amount of money you can give that will literally save a child's life.

People living as immigrants in foreign lands, far from their families, suffering, struggling, at the mercy of others who take advantage of them, with little or no hope of return.

I also thought of the 20 families represented that came to the food pantry last Thursday, and how sad it made me to see so many people in such need.

God, help me find ways and strength to reach out and be a source of comfort and assistance to others!

12 Days of Christmas for the Large Family

2009-12-10T11:06:00.000-05:00

Win-Win

2009-12-06T17:30:00.002-05:00

One of the things I've been learning about and growing in is being more aware of how I'm feeling, and not being afraid to make decisions that feel right for me, instead of constantly putting myself second to other people and issues.

Today I got on a roll with tackling some household projects that needed to get done. It was one of those elusive days when I had the energy and focus to really make headway on something. As the day went on, several emotional issues came up. By this evening, I feel tired and sad. I was supposed to go to our church Christmas party tonite. It would mean that I had to stop the thing I was enjoying making progress on, to make dinner, clean up the kitchen, straighten my hair (a lengthy process), and find something festive to wear (not too easy for me--owner of the USA's smallest female wardrobe).

While I was rotating some laundry before getting ready, my husband came along and noticed that I looked out of sorts. "What's wrong?" "I don't want to go! I'm comfy in the clothes I'm wearing, I'm making progress on my project, and I don't care about the party. I'm sad and tired and just want to take care of myself."

"So don't go."

How simple. (I was already thinking that, but did not expect him to be so supportive of it.)

I already had a babysitter lined up. What were my options? Greet her at the door with a check for what I would have paid her had I gone? Could there be something else?

I decided to let her stay and play with the kids while I do whatever I feel like doing. She'll probably go home earlier than expected, but I'll pay her the full amount.

A win-win situation, in my mind. And it feels good to be able to say no to something I wanted to say no to, and not have to work myself up to some social obligation that I've built up in my mind.

*It's been several hours since I wrote the above thoughts. Right now I'm intrigued by how difficult it is for me to take good care of myself, even in the midst of trying to be mindful and purposeful about it. I overdid it on the project, and now my back is hurting. For some reason, even though what I mostly wanted to do was lay down and read a nourishing book, I watched most of a boring documentary before finally telling myself to stop it and go get that book. It's weird, really, how much within me (maybe what I'm conditioned to do?) fights against simply saying yes to what I'd like the most.

A beautiful way to give, and give some more

2009-12-06T15:51:00.000-05:00

My 17 year old son told me about TOMS shoes. For every pair you buy, 1 pair is given to a child in need. What a beautiful thing. He asked for a pair of TOMS for Christmas. You betcha!

Buy Handmade: The Melting Pot Candle Company

2009-12-05T19:18:00.001-05:00

I just love candles (who doesn't?!) and when I can find
ones that are handmade by a mom, I like 'em all the better.

The Melting Pot Candle Company is owned and operated
by Natasha, a 31 year old wife and mother of 3 (plus one on the way!).
She was kind enough to send me some sample products
to check out, including bath salts,  mini melts, a tart warmer, 
a soap sample, and some little tea light candles.  PLUS
She's offering a giveaway..be sure to read all the
way to the 
bottom of this post for details!
The mini melts are really cute, some even having
sprinkles on them
to make them more festive, and the scents are really
nice and yummy.  :)  I'm looking forward to giving
some of these
great items as gifts for Christmas.  The prices are
bargains--you can really get a lot for your dollar,
and put together a beautiful,
useful, as well as economical gift here.

Natasha shares about how she got started in
her business: 
I started making soy and palm tarts because my
favorite tart maker decided to no longer sell her products.
I was on a mission to make the best tarts for the best price.
I love making homes smell great and people happy.

What inspires you?  
My customers inspire me!
I get a lot of feedback from my items and I am grateful
for each and every one of my customers.
I try my best to make sure each and every order to
every person is perfect.
I get a lot of joy trying new things and sending them
as freebies or having particular customers try new products.
I appreciate their thoughts and take them all very seriously.

What are some of your favorite items in your shop? 
Some of my favorite items are my new ones!
I love handmade soap.
With the economy getting tighter and pressing on my
own wallet I could no longer afford to buy from other WAHM's
so I created my own and offer them at the lowest possible prices. 
Some of my favorite scents are Oatmeal Milk and Honey,
Wild Mountain Honey, Pink Sugar, Cotton Candy and
Sweet Orange and Chili Pepper!


One of my favorite things about The Melting Pot
Candle Company is their Random Act of Kindness program.
If you know somebody who needs a "pick me up" or deserves
a little special something, you can send in your story about them.
Once a month someone is chosen to get a special goodie
package from The Melting Pot for FREE!  How sweet is THAT?!
This sort of
thoughtfulness and heart is the kind of thing that makes me
LOVE supporting mom-owned businesses.... Heart!
You can read more about that here.

As I looked through the Melting Pot site I saw over
and over again the sort of thoughtfulness
and heart that goes into this business.  From
conscientious shipping policies, and being mindful 
of pricing and speedy service, I am impressed and
pleased to recommend The Melting Pot
Candle Company to you.  :)

GIVEAWAY:

Natasha is offering one lucky winner a candle burner, tea lights, and
5 tarts of their choice of wax (soy or palm) and scent! (photo below shows details)

To enter:

1. Visit The Melting Pot Candle Company and look around.
Come back here and leave a comment, letting me know which 5 scents you'd want to win! Be sure that your email address is included so that I can contact you if you win.

2. To get an extra entry, join their facebook fan page by clicking here. Leave a comment letting me know that you joined and your name as it appears on the fan list.

3. To get another entry, blog about The Melting Pot Candle Company. Leave a comment letting me know you did this, with a link to your post.

1 winner will be randomly chosen on Saturday, December 12.

Buy Handmade: Anise Mouette

2009-12-05T07:14:00.003-05:00

Anise Mouette is a super-fun place to shop for retro-inspired handmade goodies. Check these out:

Felt Plush Toys!

How cute are these scarves with little animal friends?!

I love these birdies! (Anise sent me a tote bag with this design.
Love it!! Nicely made, and great for a reusable grocery bag!)

Itty bitty finger puppets that are SO sweet!
(I got one for someone on my Christmas list! It is well made and totally adorable.)

Tell a bit about yourself:
My name is Anise and I live in Altadena, California,
with my 22 month old son Cyan and husband Biff.  
My Etsy shop is anisemouette.etsy.com.  
The name makes up my first and middle names
which are French, though I’m not French,
at least not entirely.  
I’m a native Angeleno, though I did live
with my parents in Paris for a brief time in the
early seventies when I was just a baby.

How did you get started creating your products?
When I was a child I loved to draw and over
the years I've taken more art classes than
I can count. 
In college I enrolled as an art major, but
I eventually majored in English literature 
and then went on to pursue a master's in
creative writing. 
Following, I taught collegiate English for
seven years, but with the birth of my son,
I decided to take a break from the working
world and spend more time at home. 
In doing so, I was inspired to pick up the
pencil once again. 
Memories of my childhood and the playful
nature of my son became the focus of my
work and then, 
after stumbling upon Etsy and the Handmade
Movement, 
I was immediately inspired to take my
designs to the next level 
and create Anise Mouette - a line of
retro-inspired handmade wares 
that include toddler & adult tees,
canvas totes, “kitsch”en magnets, utility aprons, 
and now felt goods.

What inspires you? 
As mentioned, both my son and memories
of my childhood inspire me the most, 
although I am always up for a challenge
and often try my hand at craft challenges 
such as those held on Craftster every month
which allow me the opportunity to 
work with new ideas and mediums on a
regular basis.

What are some of your favorite items
in your shop? 
Recently, I've started working with felt,
so my newest items are my current favorites.
My "record player" tee and tote come in
at a close second while my customer base
seems to love 
my "family fun" items most.

One thing I love hearing about is the
ways that businesses share their
profits with others.  
Here's what Anise does:
Since I've taken a break from teaching,
I'm using a portion of all my sales 
to purchase baby formula for infants in need
so as to keep contributing to my community. 
Once a month I purchase formula locally and
then donate it for immediate distribution 
at the Foothill Unity Center in Pasadena, California.

If you're a crafty gal yourself, and want to try your hand
at making some of the
items that you see at Anise Mouette, you can
check out her blog,
where she spreads
 the crafty goodness, with her “Kitschy Crafts” section.
Anise posts fun how-to 
craft tutorials regularly!  Pretty cool, eh?
(I know my 13 year old daughter will be loving this!)

Here's a picture of Anise and her son. Awwwww! :)

Keep up with the latest and greatest at Anise Mouette by joining their Facebook Fan Page here.

Happiness Lists

2009-12-02T22:46:00.003-05:00

Recently I read a series of articles about happiness. Or, more specifically, about why women are reporting less happiness in their lives than ever in the past 30 years, and what we can do about it personally. You can read part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4 by clickety-clicking. The articles came to me about a week apart from each other, so it gave me time to think about my own happiness, and what I thought contributed to the things I feel happy (or not) about.

In the final article I really liked the suggested lists to make, such as to name the top 20 things that bring you happiness, and the top 20 things in your life that take away happiness. The idea is basically to first identify what activities and people bring you more or less happiness in your life, and then work to cultivate the positive items and reduce the negative ones. I had already taken some steps toward that before even getting the first article, so this was mostly a confirmation for me that I was on the right path.

Tonite I worked on my lists. I'm not good with "top 20" types of things, but I did make some quick lists of whatever sizes came to mind. I don't know if I learned anything new. I think I already know what things I enjoy the most. I do think that identifying those things as strongly as they came across when I was making my list, it gives me some ideas for making time for more of that.

Anyhow--just wanted to share about it here since it seems like a worthwhile activity for many of us. :)

What's something that brings you happiness that you'd like more of in your life?

Buy Handmade: Julie the Fish Hand Stamped Personalized Keepsakes

2009-11-27T20:28:00.023-05:00

Julie the Fish offers a fabulous variety of hand stamped, personalized keepsakes, and I think she literally has something for everybody! Whether you are looking for a gift for a man, woman, teenager, child, coworker, or a special occasion, she has just the thing. And if she doesn't...guess what. She does custom work too! So you can let your imagination loose and get something completely unique. Awesome! The prices are very reasonable, and Julie works fast, considering how much of her work is custom. You'll want to get over there right away to make your purchases, because December 7th is the cut-off to ensure Christmas delivery.

Be sure to read all the way to the bottom of this post, because Julie's got a GIVEAWAY for you!!

I think the first thing that caught my eye at Julie the Fish was these custom guitar picks. With a 17 year old rocker in my own home, I loved it that I had found something mom-made, handmade, and cool enough for a teenage boy. :) The finished quality is very good, and the size works perfect for us because my son prefers the smaller jazz picks, so he is going to love this.

These leather bracelets are another unique find that will work well for guys or girls:

I just love these necklaces. Such a great gift for a new mother! I got one for a new mommy on my Christmas list, and I'm very pleased with the quality and look of it. So sweet!

This sort of creative piece is right up my alley. I love swirly trees, and anything that can be personalized with a larger number of names.

Julie sends out her products in sweet be-ribboned gift boxes, and I love that. It's all done and ready to give!

Here's my interview with Julie!

Tell a bit about yourself:
I'm a mother, teacher, and artist.
I stay home to take care of my two little boys during the day.  
I love my guys and enjoy all the funny realities of being a mom.  
At night I teach English as a Second Language.
My students are native Spanish speakers learning English.  
I have fun using both of my fluent languages every night.
I'm also an artist/crafter.  
I love to create just about anything.
My newest passion is hand stamped jewelry.
I just can't get enough!

How did you get started creating your products?
A friend of mine had a simple stamped necklace and I loved it.
I thought, "I can make that!" 
so I started creating custom pieces.

What inspires you?
I am inspired by my customers, their lives, and stories.  
I love creating a custom keepsake piece that someone
will cherish for years to come.
When someone has a special occasion
I feel honored to create a piece that helps them celebrate.

What are some of your favorite items in your shop?
My two favorite pieces in my shop right now are the
square name necklace 
and the love necklace.

All of the pieces in my shop
can be personalized with your information.
Also, if you have an idea of a piece
you'd like created I can make it happen.

GIVEAWAY!
Julie is giving away one of her 
hand stamped initial necklaces!  
The winner will get to choose
what letter you want on the necklace,
plus can choose from an assortment of crystals
or other adornments to go
with it.  Sweet!

Want to win?! Here's how:

1. Visit Julie the Fish and browse around. Find your favorite item.

2. Come back here and post a comment, telling about your favorite item. BE SURE that I have your email address with your comment, or else there's no way for you to win. :)

3. Get an extra entry to win by becoming a Facebook Fan of Julie the Fish! (let me know in comments that you have done this, and your name as it would appear in her fans) Julie's Facebook Fans will get an extra 10% off their purchases in November. (hurry!)

4. Get an extra entry to win by placing an order with Julie the Fish! (let me know you have done this in the comments section)

5. Blog about this to your peeps! (send me a link to your post in the comments section)

6. Tweet about this post! (let me know in the comments section)

7. Winner will be chosen on Saturday, December 5. (I'll send you an email if you're the winner)

Buy Handmade This Holiday Season!

2009-11-27T19:13:00.001-05:00

As all of you who shop (and browse!) at The Baby Boutique know, I love-love-love to promote handmade, mom-made products. There are SO many talented women and mompreneurs around now, and I just love to support those businesses. This year I have decided to tell you about some of my favorite mom-made products, to encourage you to Buy Handmade for all of your holiday gift-giving. Tune in over the next few days to see what great stuff we have in store. There will be giveaways!!! :)

2009-11-26T20:03:00.002-05:00

I am reading an absolutely inspirational book right now. It's called Stretching Lessons, by Sue Bender. It seems that nearly every page offers me something fresh that resonates with me, and speaks to where I am in life. So often this is my experience with books that find their way to me, and I am always grateful when it happens.

I could (and might!) share many quotes from this book. Tonite it's this one:

There are times
when it is a strength
to move inward--
to trust oneself enough
not to push out there in the world
by sheer will or effort.
And there are other times
when taking on something difficult
can be a worthwhile stretch.

Once I give myself permission to say "NO,"
I can imagine saying "YES"
with less effort and more trust.

How will we know how far we can stretch if we don't try?

On the Desire to Create

2009-11-21T18:33:00.001-05:00

I'm not Mormon, but found this to be extremely encouraging and felt it was worth sharing.

2009-11-15T00:06:00.003-05:00

It serves no worthy purpose
for me to minimize my gifts, my ideas, my heart,
to make others more comfortable.

It serves no worthy purpose
for me to pretend to be less
so others can pretend to be more.

I will not stop moving forward.

How To Live

2009-11-07T17:28:00.001-05:00

My friend Babz had this on her status and I loved it so much I decided to share it:

1. Live humble, transparent lives
2. Stay open to correction
3. Audit your actions regularly
4. Stay in touch with the real world
5. -wash some feet
6. Make your family a priority
7. Live modestly and give extravagantly
8. - build a team
9. Develop keen discernment
10. Maintain your spiritual passion - daily appointment with god.

Time for More Monday Music!

2009-11-02T10:07:00.001-05:00

And this ukulele version is pretty fun too!

Funk = The Cure for Mondays

2009-10-26T10:35:00.003-04:00

The Art of Self-Centeredness in Motherhood

2009-10-09T16:03:00.002-04:00

I loved this article and wanted to share it with YOU!

Wisdom from the past

2009-10-08T09:35:00.001-04:00

“It is not difficult to see why … the female became the emblem of the universal … Nature …. surrounded her with very young children, who require being taught not so much anything as everything. Babies need not to be taught a trade, but to be introduced to a world. To put the matter shortly, woman is generally shut up in a house with a human being at the time when he asks all the questions that there are, and some that there aren’t. It would be odd if she retained any of the narrowness of a specialist. Now if anyone says that this duty of general enlightenment … is in itself too exacting and oppressive, I can understand the view. I can only answer that our race has thought it worth while to cast this burden on women in order to keep common-sense in the world. … How can it be a large career to tell other people’s children about the Rule of Three, and a small career to tell one’s own children about the universe? How can it be broad to be the same thing to everyone, and narrow to be everything to someone? No. A woman’s function is laborious, but because it is gigantic, not because it is minute. I will pity Mrs. Jones for the hugeness of her task; I will never pity her for its smallness.”

GK Chesterton

2009-10-06T21:54:00.003-04:00

I remember a few years ago when I was homeschooling only two of my sons, and things had been rather bumpy. I walked into a church event and a friend there asked the fateful words, "So how's homeschooling going?"

My answer?

"If I talk about it, I might start to cry."

And then I talked about it.

I told her that sometimes it was intensely hard. I told her that I was struggling. And I told her that although homeschooling can be intensely hard and a struggle, that doesn't mean I'm not where I'm supposed to be.

There is a lot in our society that tells us that if we are not happy and enjoying everything that we do, that we should feel free to go choose something else that would make us happy or be more enjoyable. I think that concept is wrong. There is a lot of value in struggle, suffering, perseverance, and commitment. Don't doubt it.

I really liked this article on this subject. Good stuff. Enjoy.

P.S. Later on that friend at church thanked me for my candid honesty. She told me that she had been thinking about homeschooling her own kids, but that every homeschool mom she ever talked to about it got all Stepford on her and acted like it was the most wonderful, natural, positive thing they could be doing. And she wasn't buying that. She said it made her nervous to only hear glowing reports, that she knew in her gut were probably not entirely true. Hearing what I had to say hadn't scared her off from homeschooling. She said it helped her feel like she had a more realistic idea of what it can be like, and what it takes to stick with it. I was glad I wasn't afraid to be transparent that day.

Raw Almonds for Sale!

2009-10-05T10:32:00.001-04:00

Almonds are a delicious and nutritious snack, but the ones we get in the grocery store have been pasteurized, so the greatest health benefit has been heated right out of them.

This fall we are trying something new. Get in our our big bulk buy of fresh, unpasteurized almonds from California! At just $6 per pound, you can get these wonderful almonds in increments of 20 pounds.

Since these almonds are fresh, they will stay nice at room temperature for 9-12 months or more. If you store them in the fridge they'll last for years, and in the freezer they'll last for a really, really, really long time. :)

These almonds are not certified organic, but the farm that they come from has not used any pesticides in at least 15 years.

The almonds are shelled and fresh!

This is a pre-order. That means that you will order and pay for your almonds now. I will be placing our large order (many hundreds or even a thousand pounds or more) around October 15-20. Once they arrive here I will be shipping them out to you.

Feel free to go in on this order with a friend if you like. Almonds are great for Christmas gifts too!

This is a one-time opportunity. These almonds are just sold once a year when the fresh harvest comes in. There is a slight possibility that I may be able to take another order in November, but for right now this is the only time I can be sure of that there will be enough supply to fill the orders.

Click here to order.

New song from Steven Curtis Chapman

2009-09-23T21:47:00.001-04:00

Losing My Footing

2009-09-23T13:18:00.004-04:00

7:15 get up, dressed, eat, check email/business
8-8:45 walk/exercise
8:45-9:15 make smoothies and try to get the day going
9:15-12 homeschooling
12-1 lunch break
1-2+ homeschooling
2-4:25 This is my time for a shower, nap, business, dinner plan, errands
4:25-8:45 my new part time job ("only" 2 nights a week)
8:45-10ish finish picking up the house, laundry, business, pack orders, spend time with kids and/or husband, any leisure, etc.
10ish try to go to bed, but more likely all of the above takes til much later than 10.

Rinse. Repeat. Daily.

This is my life these days. I am struggling. Within this schedule I am finding it difficult to add in:

-driving to/from my oldest son's classes that are 45 minutes away (thankfully, I usually only have to do this once a week)
-having any personal crisis, illness, or need
-anyone else that I care about having any personal crisis, illness, or need

Last week included the death of a friend from church, calling hours, 20 extra hours of working at the not-quite-so-part-time part time job, a stressful situation with a family member, a personal problem that was stressful, some health issues for me, fatigue, PMS in all it's glory, trying to get a handle on the house mess/laundry/grocery shopping/meal plan/discipline/etc. etc. etc. Oh..and did I mention that my 17 year old is now homeschooled, which means that I'm needing to keep up with the reading for Sonlight 300? And try to discuss all of the reading with my son? Who is almost always on the go with his friends? Oh boy.

Today has been spent trying to catch up. It seems like every time I cross one thing off my list, 3 more items take it's place.

Our House (love this song!)

2009-09-13T15:08:00.000-04:00

Heard from a crazy person lately?

2009-09-12T14:40:00.000-04:00

This is tragically hilarious. Enjoy!

Loved This

2009-09-11T09:01:00.001-04:00

I loved this new video from Taylor Swift. Made me think of my own awesome mom, as well as all of the memories I'm making with my children each day.

Loved This Video

2009-09-06T12:09:00.000-04:00

A Dream

2009-09-05T09:37:00.002-04:00

Dreams can be amazing. Stir up all your conscious issues along with the subconscious and the peripheral things in your life, let your brain get quiet enough to puzzle-piece it all together, and you get a movie. Sometimes it's just weird. Other times it's powerful enough to shake you to your core.

A week or two ago I had a dream. All of my immediate and extended family was celebrating some holiday at my Gram's house. It was as it is today, remodeled and with the belongings and style of my uncle and his girlfriend that now own it. We were all milling around, and then I caught a glimpse of Gram, standing in the front entryway.

My breath caught. I moved slowly for a closer look, thinking she was a ghost that could just disappear if I moved too fast. My grandfather was there, standing behind her, hands on her shoulders. They had a great view of what was happening both in the dining room and the living room, and they looked radiantly happy. They took my breath away.

I heard my uncle come up behind me. He quietly said, "Wow. They look so real." I had the quick thought that if he and I were both seeing the same thing, then it had to be real! And they heard it and looked at us. I ran to her and threw my arms around her and was overcome with hysterical crying. She was real! They were there! They were so happy to be together again, and to see how their family had grown. They were drinking it all in. All was well. Family members came running from all corners of the house, reaching and hugging and crying. It was powerful, all of us unified in our surprise and joy at them being with us.

The realness of that dream shook me from my sleep. I had not even been aware that such raw emotion was still hanging out under the surface of my heart. The desperation I felt for the opportunity to hug and kiss my Gram again was huge. The relief at being able to see her again was palpable. Seeing my grandfather so clearly was powerful. He died when I was 7, so it's been a long, long time since I've seen how tall he was or how broad his shoulders were. But there he was, and it seemed like there could be no doubt that I was seeing it all exactly as it was.

Every time I think about that dream it shakes me up again. For now I prefer to let myself believe that somehow it was true, that Gram and Papa met me in my dreams, gave me another chance to show my love and feel their warmth again.

These Kids Keep Me Laughing

2009-09-04T09:29:00.000-04:00

One of the things I love most about young children is their secure faith in how much they are adored.

The other night I was snuggling with my youngest and it went something like this:

A: I love you sooooooooooooo much!

Me: I love you too! I love you HUGE!

A: You are the best mommy in the whole wide world!

Me: You are the best six year old in the whole wide world! I am a lucky mom to have such a great kid as you.

A: Yep! I'm the best kid God ever made!

I laughed and laughed. What a delight.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yesterday while doing school with the kids something came up that caused my daughter to jokingly say, "That's because I'm mom's favorite!"

My youngest turned toward me urgently, saying, "WHAT?! I thought *I* was your favorite!!"

He was completely serious.

Get Your Tissues and Take 9 minutes for this

2009-09-03T13:40:00.000-04:00

5 Years of Blogging

2009-09-03T11:17:00.003-04:00

5 years ago today I started blogging. Which seems fairly significant, actually.

5 years ago my kids were ages 1, 3, 4, 6, 8, and 12. That sure is different landscape from today when they are 6, 8, 9, 11, 13, and 17. Lightyears away, it seems.

Blasts from the past:

5 years ago I
explained how I came up with the name for this blog
vented about AOL (never have heard anything better about them in all these years, either)
shared a manifesto I wrote (and still think about often)
told about the 4th day of school

4 years ago:
I was wondering what the proper and appropriate response is for the victims of Hurricane Katrina

1 year ago
I was dealing with an avalanche of business catastrophes that I eventually bounced back from, plus we had a new family member: our rescue dog Marlee (We love her! Such a sweet soul!)

A Child's Grief and Loss

2009-09-02T09:21:00.003-04:00

The other day we took a short drive through the cemetery, on the way to pick up my oldest. My 8 year old immediately started thinking of Gram.

"I wish Gram was dead HERE so we could go and see her."

I explained that although Gram is not buried near us, we would not be able to see her even if she was. I reminded him that Gram is in heaven now, with Jesus and God and her husband. We talked about how great it is that we have so many good memories of her, but he seemed unmoved from the pain of not being able to see her.

At home I immediately got the children gathered at the dinner table, but my 8 year old was a no-show. Thinking he was in the bathroom, I just called to him to say it was dinner time, and didn't worry about it. He'll be along soon.

Nope. He was on his bed, sobbing into his pillow.

When I found him there I gave him a hug and asked what was making him sad.

"It's all too much! Gram is dead and I will never get to see her again. And Ono and Oyeah* live far away and I have not gotten to see them for a long time either. Gram is dead and it is all too much!"

Wow.

It was hard to see his pain. I was stricken to hear him describe it the way he did. One of my less verbal children, always fascinating me with the deep things he shares.

*Ono and Oyeah are what my kids call my mom and her husband.

Marriage Advice from 1946

2009-08-31T19:39:00.001-04:00

When going through my grandmother's things in July we came across this precious letter sent to my Gram by her aunt a week before she was to marry my grandfather. I loved both the style it was written in, the delicate stationery, and the frank practicality of some of it. It must've been special to my Gram to have been kept for so long. The advice seems timeless to me.

May 23rd '46

Dear Ruth and Ivan,

By the time this reaches you, you will be enjoying your last week of freedom. After the 31st you will be under heavy obligations one to the other. It works both ways. I have not lived 83 yrs without learning something about men and women. None are perfect so you will do well not to expect too much.

I've been wondering for days what I could say that might be useful to you in the future but I seem to be up against a stone wall. Every couple has to meet their own problems. I hope yours will be few and far between.

Forgive freely. There may come a time when you will appreciate the same considerations.

Needless to say I would love to witness your marriage but distance forbids. I'll be thinking of you.

God bless you. Much love and the -best- of good wishes for your future happiness.

I am enclosing a copy of Edgar Guest's poem on marriage. It covers a lot. Again much love.

Aunt Frances

Happy Marriage by Edgar Guest

A man who has a mind to hold
His home secure against the cold,
and free from bitter speech and word,
will ask no Judge that he be heard.

The wife who makes her home a place
Of safety, happiness, and grace,
And keeps the children round her knee,
Will ask no Judge to set her free.

Where two unite with heart and soul
To make the home a common goal
Where, in contentment, loved ones dwell,
They'll bear both joy and sorrow well.

When home is first in thought and pride,
and is not lightly thrust aside,
and faith is high and love is sure,
Fear not! that marriage will endure.

Homeschool Kickoff Party

2009-08-30T13:13:00.000-04:00

A few of our local homeschooling families got together recently for a kick-off party. The kids enjoy the pool, even though it was pretty durn chilly for August! Here are a few pictures: